Horse spirit animal

I met the horse spirit animal last night while riding the bike. It brought a message to comfort me, but I was too blind with hurt to see it. It wasn’t until this morning that I realized this, and understood what the encounter was telling me. I’d say it was fitting and I’m glad I can smile about it again.

When the horse spirit animal comes galloping into your life, it carries a very important message. You need to take stock of your life and see where you have been spending your energies on, and whether you have been giving your personal freedom or power away.

It signals time to evaluate which aspects of your life allow people to treat you harshly or domineeringly. You should think about whether you are putting the needs and demands of others before yours.

The horse symbolism in your life is simply telling you that no one can take away your power from you. You will only become powerless and weak if you allow it.

I’m planning on staying strong….

Some things will never change

“Light at the end of the tunnel”. It was the first thought that came to mind riding the bicycle through this tunnel tonight. I had to stop and just take in the beauty of it for a moment. To just breathe and be in the moment. I don’t have “the bike” from my girlfriend yet, but I had “a bike” I could use tonight. It was a bad day and this comes from a person who would be the first to tell you that there are no bad days. I can’t find a better word for it right now. I’m not exempt and it was a bad day. Some things just won’t change.

I went to Würzburg yesterday and had a good time with my nieces and family. The trouble started last night with a missed delivery for my bed that arrived a day earlier than I was told. The hassle started from there and after moving mountains last night and today, they finally agreed to redeliver. I was glad as I knew it would be bulky to transport by myself. It took all day until 5:30PM for the guy to finally show up. On top of it, he was aggravated for unknown reasons, yelled at the neighbors dogs which can get annoying, and delivered only one of two boxes. “Gotta go lady” he left me with little info of what to expect and where and when to get my second box. I’m not worried at the moment and grab my stuff so I can rush and see Mom. She’s been alone nearly two days now, probably worried why I’m not there. Sure enough a smart remark flies right from the get go as if I’m a schoolgirl who forgot where she is suppose to be.

Well let’s just say that she wasn’t in good spirits and the last time I’ve seen her like this was the first day I arrived. Bad things were said, mainly from her and it was tough to remember that it was he illness talking. Sometimes I can’t blame it all on the illness and she knows darn well.

I’m at a loss for words tonight. I was angry, which is subsiding and is leaving nothing but a gaping hole. I can hear the echo laughing and saying “who are you kidding”. I’m sure I won’t give up hope, although I was pretty close to having enough of it all tonight. She pushed me away pretty hard tonight.

I’m glad I had the bike to ride off a bit of steam. My face was red as a tomato by the time I got done, and my heart was pumping hard. I might be sore tomorrow as it took awhile to just ride it off. Don’t worry, I’m just venting and I will be ok. At the moment I feel back at square one, with all your praise and kind words about bringing light to her life disappointed and gone out the window. I feel as if I have failed, although I know much better. I know it isn’t true, but sometimes things are beyond unjustified and uncalled for. Today was such a day and more is yet to come.

Remember when?

Do you remember the innocent days about your childhood? When pressing responsibilities were far away and a slumber party was the greatest thing. Do you recall staying up as late as your heavy eyes would allow it to before you finally drifted off to dreamland. I remember those days, although I had to grow up and learn about lives seriousness way too early. But there were those times. Since coming to Germany, I feel that there have been times I lived vicariously through my cousins kids. I might soon find myself racing up and down a quiet street on a bicycle, feeling the wind in my air and smiling from ear to ear. Mouth closed hopefully as there are some pretty good sized bugs here. Ewwww.

I bought a hammock style lounger for the patio a few weeks ago. I haven’t had the chance to use it yet and I really need to take more time for myself. Fingers crossed the weather gods agree when the chance arises. Last night I had two visitors, and my nephew and niece paid me a surprise visit. From the looks of it, there might be a stargazing slumber party coming up in the near future. Further details were already nailed down with who get’s to sleep in the middle.

Ah what fun and innocent times to remember.

Celebrating “YOU” Tohfa from Nyctophile

Thank you to Novus who sent in this week’s heartfelt message for Tohfa. For celebrating her determination to not give up, while keeping hope and faith alive. She becomes an inspiration to all of us as we say “Thank you” and “Congratulations” for all she has achieved already.

I’d like to give a shout to Tohfa from nyctophile (https://wp.me/p9lArb-3m). She’s a good friend, still learning physics and Maths in college. She wants to continue her studies even though she’s sick and dying. She haven’t got many years ahead but…. she’ll fight for knowledge. I wish there was a cure, but I know there isn’t unless it’s a miracle, and I believe miracles exists.
She’s from Bangladesh and she wished to be a scientist one day, probably even wanted to go to Mars. But her dreams are hard to achieve. I’d love her to know that she’ll never be forgotten. She existed and her memory will remain.

Roda’s critter connection: Maikäfer

My dear Fairy Sister has a passion for critters and frequently shares her finds on her blog. No critter is too small or big she says as she encourages us to share our own critters.

Last night I came across a Maikäfer, a large beetle known to be seen in May. I haven’t seen any in many years and never seen them anywhere else besides Germany. This huge, little guy 😉 was sitting deep inside the brush and I wished I could have gotten a better picture that is clearer. I still had to contribute it, wondering if someone else has seen this rare guy.

Sorry for the poor quality, but has anybody else ever seen a Maikäfer?

Rainy Day

It looks like it’s going to be a rainy day. I love the rain and right now it is a peaceful quiet mist that is falling from the sky. I’m up at the wee hours and it wasn’t even 5AM when I decided to start my day. I made coffee and slowly the day is filling with light as I sit at the window, taking the occasional sip, letting my mind drift into the distance. The ground is wet and the drops will continue to fall throughout the day. My friends the snails have emerged from the bushes, carrying their houses into the open, to rinse from the dirt and be born yet again. It’s quiet outside and the world hasn’t fully awakened yet. I think I will sit and consciously enjoy the stillness for awhile.

It is for the first time that I truly notice the Hollunder bush that is blooming outside my window. It looks especially beautiful this morning and the rain has given it a lush appearance. Somebody mentioned that you can bake and eat the white blooms. Supposedly they are delicious and I might have a food source growing right outside my door without ever knowing about it. For now I am enjoying it just the way it is and it looks magnificent.

I was planning on going to Würzburg with the family later on this afternoon. I’m undecided and woke up with a sore wrist. The RA has left my feet and moved into my right shoulder a few days ago. It never fully manifested there and the pain was tolerable, but this morning it is my right wrist that is giving me trouble. So much though that I had to challenge Creativity this morning, given that I’m right handed to complete a few minor tasks. My arm is hanging there as if a foreign piece of myself that I’m trying to operate and have little control over. I know Leni (my niece) would be disappointed if I don’t make it. She loves to shop and is been telling me for days how excited she is that the day is near for us to go. I have an especially close connection to her and she has stolen my heart long ago. It is incredible to discover all the things we have in common, all the things we love and all the things we enjoy doing. She often reminds me of a small little version of myself, but it is her soul that shines the brightest.

Yesterday while visiting Mom, I learned that something is not ok with her foot. It’s the one where her big toe was amputated last Christmas Eve. I know right…Merry Christmas. It’s been ok all this time and healing, but all of a sudden a doctor is needed to determine further treatment. It just shows how quick things can change, especially with a diabetes patient. I’m nervous for her, and could see the worry in her eyes yesterday. In a way as if she needs a break and can’t take anymore bad news. So much has happened towards the end of last year and so far this year. She is in a constant state of preparedness for the next thing to make its appearance, and has accepted that surely it will. It’s sad. Her doctor is suppose to get there early this morning, before his own praxis starts. I’m sure it’s been on my mind and would explain why I can’t sleep. I will call over there this morning and see if I can find out anything, before I decide on Würzburg. It seems shallow to go shopping under these circumstances and I will need to see how the wrist is developing. It’s painful right now and would be a drag trying to carry any shopping bags. There is much that is waiting to be done in the house, which will also have to wait. Today is probably not the day to do so. I’m limited and nothing will happen unless the trouble in my wrist disappears as quickly as it came. Anything can happen and while I engage this very thought, I’m noticing my mind frame is much different then Mom’s. I see our varying choices, perhaps induced by life experiences but mainly by the path we have chosen to walk. The perception we decided to own and the outcome we most likely expect. In my time here, it is my mission to bring as much light back to Mom as possible, to change that mind frame, to come to expect the good vs, the next bad thing from happening. I will, and already have brought purpose back to her life, and she has smiled more then she has in years, I’m certain. It’s a beautiful thing and the conditional love of a daughter, the self sacrifice of the Hanged Man (tarot post) to gather information from a different point of view. It is a vital piece of the puzzle and I am where I need to be. I am all that is left and I know that it is only me who can open the heart of my mother to led it flood with love and light. And so it shall be….

Celebrating “YOU” Feature recognition ~ Tohfa from Nyctophile

Whoohoo, it’s Wednesday again…time for Celebrating “YOU”

Celebrating “YOU” is a weekly segment to celebrate and encourage each other. To show recognition to someone that has inspired us, touched our hearts, or otherwise made a difference in our days. 

It could be anything, from a simple “Thank you” and a few short words, to something as big as a novel. Rules don’t really live here, and it is you conveying what you feel is important we readers know about your selection. There is no formal format other than expressing your gratitude and how this person is making a difference.

Think about this….Has somebody ever made your day with a simple compliment? Have you felt your face light up because they took the time to notice? Do you remember what it feels like to be recognized? How it only took a small effort to say something, but became a huge part for you being celebrated and vice versa. Here is your chance to pay it forward, to make somebody’s day.

If you want to be a part, please sent an email to Rhapsodyboheme@yahoo.com with your submission. Your submission should include your name and blog name, so I can properly give a shout out and let others know who the celebration is coming from. Unless you want to stay anonymous which of course is always ok and an option. Further we need the same from your nominee, a name, blog name, along with a few lines at a minimum should be perfect. All submission will be posted in the order they are received and without further editing. Please double check and make sure everything you want to include is said. Thank you for each and all interest. 

Each Wednesday the “Feature recognition” will go out to announce the week’s beautiful soul. Stay tuned and watch your posts come alive every Friday. Personally, I look forward to support your choices and give your nominees a follow for extra support. May our circle continue to grow. ♥️

 

This week’s submission comes from my dear friend Novus over at Novuslectio . It is so much more than just a recognition, and pulls on our heartstrings to remind us to never give up. It’s a celebration of the human spirit, to showcase the strengths and determination it takes to keep hope and faith alive. Please allow me to welcome Tohfa from Nyctophile. Thank you for being an inspiration to so many, and for staying positive in the most adversed of times. We love you and send our best your way.

Stay tuned for the full story in Friday’s post and please show your support. Thank you, see you then….

Pssst: And don’t forget to submit your own submission and make somebody else’s day. Xoxoxo

Anniversary blues

The 20th of May, Mom and Dad’s wedding anniversary. She would have been married for 57 years, but sadly only shared 13 years with Dad before he passed. Mom hasn’t said much in the past two days, but has been overcome by sadness and just gazing off into the distance. Even one of her nurses asked why she looked so sad. She didn’t answer and just shrugged it off as if it was nothing. Clearly it’s more then nothing and I can sense her struggle. A few times I noticed her eyes fill with tears, on the brink of rolling down her face, but she regained composure just before. It was as if she wanted to cry, but remained strong in front of her girl, me, to not show any weakness. I see it anyways and it caused me a great deal of pain to see her like this. I felt like holding her, to be there for her on a more personal level and to reassure that everything would be ok. Would it be? What do I know? I don’t know what the future holds for her and if it is a future that she can embrace. Perhaps it was this moment that I anticipated with brief panic from the other day, after the nightmare.

It’s been two days, unable to snap out of her current state. I think it’s a combination of things that are causing her to feel the blues. Her wedding anniversary has to be huge, being the only one left, remembering a special day without your one and all. How could it ever be a day of celebration again! Second, she misses her home, her sanctuary, the memories of Dad, perhaps even the time she could spend with me. I am in her apartment while she is bound to the bed, unable to enjoy life to the extend most others do. She knows that I am going shopping to Würzburg with the family on Thursday. It’s bittersweet, happy and sad at the same time for her. I know she would have loved to join. The same goes for things in the house and I told her the other day that I washed the curtains and windows. How nice and bright they got and how good it looked. She managed a brief smile and said with a faint, sorrow voice that she couldn’t do it anymore towards the end. Almost like a sorry, an excuse for why they weren’t this way the begin with. It was sad and I keep those talks to a minimum now. I don’t need her to think how wonderful it is in her apartment while she has no way to enjoy it herself. I have to admit that it has gotten much homier and I’m finally much more comfortable. It still is not my own four walls, but I make due. I didn’t exactly come for a resort vacation. To what extend she needs to know this, I am not sure.

I hope Mom is feeling better soon and can find her way back. She didn’t even want to read the little Buddha today, although it has been a highlight for her. It was ok and I don’t think she would have been in the right frame of mind to take in any life lesson today. There were another few things off today and Mom claimed that there was a secret door behind her wardrobe. It’s a mirrored wardrobe that like any mirror reflects the room across it. Mom can look into the mirror from a certain angle of her bed, seeing the reflection through it. Today she was convinced that there was a room, without considering any other alternatives. I don’t like it when she gets this way and persists on being right. I can’t help but think “Just listen to what you are saying, it’s for those very reasons and the delusional, out of touch way, as to why you can’t come home alone.” Mixed with the sad face and tear filled eyes, it’s simply heart breaking.

Oh well…

I have always loved the German skies. I’m not sure what exactly makes it a German sky, but the cloud formations as well as the clouds themselves always seem different from the ones in the states. No matter what place I’m in, I could always watch for hours and watch the shapes dance across the sky.

Exciting news reached me yesterday and my girlfriend told me that her husband now has an E-bike and is willing to let me have his old bike for the summer. She is babysitting two very important dogs right now, which are the dogs of her Son, professional Goalie from the 1. FCN Nürnberg. After a quick invitation we ended up with a lake walk with two important dogs (Demba and Socke) in tow and chatted for awhile. My girlfriend lives in a nearby town, 9 kilometers away from me and is one busy lady.

It was getting late in the evening and I was going to ride the bike back to my house. I think some people might have been worried about my ability to do so which almost shook my own confidence. After all it had been many many moons since I rode a bike. I don’t even remember, but how bad could it be right, the worst thing that could happen was that I’d be sore the next day. I wasn’t too worried about it and I was looking forward to the exercise.

Angie (my girlfriend) suddenly noted that I’d be best in my way and pointed out the window. Storm clouds were building to the south and perhaps I should try out paddle them on my first journey. Maybe it be a little much getting wet on top of it, but “You will dry again if you do she said in laughter. We said our goodbyes and soon I was on my way. The bike was a tiny bit too high for me, but I decided that this was not the time to mess with adjusting the saddle. I better be on my way. Off I went to the outskirts of town where a steep incline was ahead of me. All would be downhill and smooth sailing after that, and I could literally feel the breeze in my face. I made it half way up, steep, steep, steep, feeling my upper thighs on fire. My calves are good from hiking, but this was working my upper thighs, and mind you that I have done nothing but sit at Mom’s bedside since the end of February. I’d be sore tomorrow, I thought, no doubt about it. I decided to push it for the rest of the way and climbed off. Once I reached the top, the lighting was perfect and soon I found myself distracted, snapping a few pictures. Storm clouds where? I think I completely forgot….I would try again, right! Finally ready to continue, I climbed the bike again, but the pedals kept turning without the tires moving forward. The chain had slipped off and after further investigation I had no choice but to turn around and go back to my girlfriends house. The chain guard made it impossible to slip the chain back onto the gears and would have to be taken off. No tools, no luck, and no sunset ride for that night.

But hey, I know I will soon or later have another chance this week and I got to take some cool pictures before it all happened. 😉

Shaken and a bit stirred

I’ve awakened from a nightmare the other night. It was a deep breath that brought me back to reality from my not so peaceful sleep state. It’s seldom that I dream, or maybe I just don’t ever remember.

I was at Mom’s House, sitting at the kitchen table as darkness began to fall. I got up to close the blinds which are like a heavy plastic, rolled up shade that comes down and covers the windows. It allows for zero light when it is closed fully. I pulled the cord on the side of the wall to release the blind, while stretching with the other hand to reach the light switch. I hit it but it remained dark. I surely must have missed it and went for it once more. The blinds were still coming down as I was multi tasking, and only a little light was left in the room. Nothing happened, and after hitting the switch for the third time, I realized that something was wrong and the light wouldn’t come on. It was mostly dark by now as I made my way down the hallway to the fuse box, maybe a breaker had tripped. I was almost in front of the apartments main entrance door where the fuse box is located as I heard it. Tap, tap, tap….the sound was faint at first but getting stronger. It was a knock from the outside of the locked the door. I felt an energy and a chill coming from the door and it scared me half to death. A scared deep breath followed as I was unable to scream while slowly stepping backwards, away from the door. It was the initial scare and that deep breath that woke me from my dream.

Now awake, I collected myself and knew that it was a dream, but it was so powerful that I didn’t dare to turn my back towards the room. I had to back myself against the wall and forced myself to stay woke for awhile. I was afraid that falling back asleep would place me right back to the same dream. The dream is still with me this evening like a haunting thing I can’t explain. It is unusual since I normally don’t remember my dreams, but it still seems so vivid, hours later. I imagine it to be a sign with some kind of meaning, I don’t yet have the answer or the understanding for.

Eventually, I slept a few more hours and woke up feeling down. I couldn’t pinpoint why and had no reason to feel this way. Everything was fine the night before and I didn’t take any worries to bed with me. At least not consciously. Progress with Mom is going well and we continue to have small wins. She was on my mind this morning though and although nothing can be rushed, I felt panicked, as if soon or later time would be up, in more than one way. I felt uncertain if I would accomplish everything that I needed to do, once that time would come. I was worried about stuff I know better. The stuff out of my control and yet it was on my mind in a moment as life was catching up. Perhaps it was that knock on the door in my dream, something taking me away, something scary, something I wasn’t ready to follow just yet. I remember seeing a bony index fingers commanding me to come closer. It belongs to a cloaked person dressed in black of which face I can’t see. Who is he and what’s the message? Why does he need me to come closer…it can’t be….right? Not yet (as if any of us ever have a choice)

I’m still a bit shaken and told Mom about my dream. She had no answers and didn’t engage all that much. She has seen her own version of the cloaked person dressed in black and I don’t think she is ready to see or follow him either. I think it scared her from just listening to me.

I was wondering if it was something she said to me yesterday that may have ultimately led to this dream. She talked about my Dad, something that has been very rare and non existing in all these years. She is beginning to share more and more, and is talking more freely about things. She even told me that they had broken up a few times before they married. Yesterday she told me that she used to get mad at Dad for what she thought was crazy talk. Several times he mentioned to her that he would die young. He couldn’t explain or tell as to why he thought so, there was no rhyme or reason to his thoughts, he just knew. Mom would get mad at him each time he talked about it. I am sure that over the years she has thought back many times to those conversations and how they ended up becoming the truth. We may never know how to explain some things in a rational, factual sense….but intuition and a gut feeling always does.