I saw this guy at Mom’s yesterday. He was clinging to the patio door, and appears to be flipping off the world. Well if that doesn’t make you smile!!!! I don’t blame him after a day like yesterday, but me saying this sounds actually worse than I feel. I’m not sure if there is a way to describe how I feel right now. I’m in between, kind of neutral, not happy but not upset. I’m merely accepting of what happened and where I am at, at this current moment. Acceptance is key and what keeps me calm, being able to process the ups and downs, remembering my hanged man while I wait it out.
I filled my day with work and sweat, since I had no way of seeing Mom. I think I never stopped sweating today. It was so warm and humid. Truly intense, and even the few times I could sit still was not feeling much better. I must be developing a heat intolerance, it’s just miserable and strenuous for me. Swollen joints and all. Still I did it and worked all day. I started laundry and washed all the bedding. I did put back Mom’s comforter she didn’t wanted me to use. It was an anti rheumatic bed and I tried it anyways to see if it would help with the pain. I felt wrong ever since, like I violated her personal things, and didn’t notice much of a difference, probably due to guilt. I no longer feel that guilt, it is returned and hers to keep. I still remember what she said yesterday and where that left me.
I built the bed I bought, and that in itself is another story. Mom knew about it, even was going to get it for my birthday, but later forgot and changed her mind. It wasn’t going in her apartment (my room), I have no right to rearrange her things (my room), and money spent later, it is not optional anymore to change her mind. It’s too late and I can’t back out anymore. It will have to be this way. It took quite awhile to build it alone, moving stuff out of the way, but in the end my childhood room received a modern update. Perhaps I can sleep better and without my back being sore. I’m actually looking forward going to bed tonight. The room is tight and compact now, even more so than before, but every inch of it has my touch on it, and is my sanctuary now. A place I feel safe, a place I can find comfort and come to relax, a place where my shrine lives and a place where childhood memories still exist. Plus the best room in the house for the possibility of catching WiFi.
Mom was transported to the hospital in the morning, and I called in the afternoon. There was no news and I was instructed to call back in the morning, which I will. WiFi was non existent for most of the day and it just came back online. It is still spotty, but I can’t complain and I’m grateful to have it. Luckily I scheduled a few posts ahead and still have to tend to email.
Mom’s apartment is put back together for the most part and I accomplished much today. Although my foot is not happy with me right now, being busy has kept my mind off of things and I’m glad this is done now.