Posted in Holidays, Life, Mom

Set-backs

Today could easily be declared as one of those days. I thought I go see Mom for a few hours, which is not all that unusual, as I do most every day. The day started with my cousins car not starting and I felt awful, knowing that I rode it last. It appears to be the battery as one single “Klack” noise came from turning the key and nothing else. I hope it’s not the starter or the alternator, as it would certainly be more expensive. It drove fine yesterday and no lights were left on that could have drained the battery. To this minute I don’t know what happened. What a nice welcome home present for her when she gets back from her trip to Switzerland tonight. My aunt ended up driving me to see Mom and would pick me up after a few hours. I was glad that I still got to go despite the car which bothered me all day.

Mom was quiet again and it seems like she has little to say to me these days. It started on the 20th of this month which was her wedding anniversary and the road has been rocky ever since. Not all days are equal anymore and since she’s been getting better, she has also grown increasingly dissatisfied. “I want to go home” she said again, while directing all her frustration towards me, as if I’m the reason she is there. As if I’m responsible for her wounds and her current situation. When I ask her how we are going to manage, she never has an answer other than denial or blame that I have no patience or that I don’t want her at home. She is starting to believe her nonsense. Today she stated that she wasn’t going to stay in the senior home and that this was not the deal she made. She didn’t make any deal but had no clue what her power of attorney means. Her handicapped identification card came in the mail, declaring her 100% handicapped, she denies it is true. She doesn’t need a walker and always makes it to the bathroom in time. She now thinks that she is at the senior home because there was no other room for her in the hospital. The catheter is there so she doesn’t have to get up too many times she says. She hasn’t gotten up once since I got here and is not capable of walking. Her pampers are there because the staff is worried that she will soil the mattress and if an accident happens it is due to somebody not getting her to the bathroom in time. That someone was me yesterday and it was impossible to get her out of bed, into the wheelchair and to the bathroom all in five seconds. Her urges come quickly and she deflected the aftermath. She still has an open sore on her buttocks and her foot with the amputated big toe is not healing and bloody again. No rehabilitation exercises until those wounds are closed. I only share those things to paint an accurate picture for you about her condition. To understand my situation and what is happening. I’m not even venting right now, although I could have reason to. She wants to come home. Today she wished that the roles were reversed and that it was me lying there. I told her that I had my own battle with the RA and constant chronic pain, that it was painful to feel this way and debilitating. She believed it wasn’t severe enough yet, and that I should be punished more to be bound to the bed, perhaps to understand her situation!!!! I said that I couldn’t believe for her to wish something like this upon me and that nothing would make me happier as to see her healthy. Nothing, no signs of regret on her face or any other remarks for the words she had spoken. It’s moments like those that I attempt wanting to care less for her, but I can’t. I wouldn’t be any better and she is damn lucky I’d say that I feel this way. She doesn’t even know, nor does she appreciate it. Most would have walked away already and maybe I’m too stupid to do so. But my love for her is unconditional, no matter how many times she kicks me to the curb. I do have the patience of a saint for her, even though she is not deserving of it at times. Certain things have changed as well and of which I can no longer accept. I felt sad and hurt, yet strangely calm. I missed that beautiful smile on her face. The moments we shared that were genuine and a breakthrough between mother and daughter. The moments that I had longed for all my life, that I begged for and that mainly fell onto deaf ears. I didn’t want it to end and I wished I got to experience more of it. Was it a glimpse into what could have been, a goodby present, her way of rubbing my face into the anger and contempt she had built against me over the years? Was this her way of pushing me away?

My time was nearly up and in a few minutes my aunt was coming to pick me up. The room door opened and a few staff members entered, while mentioning that the doctor was here to look at Moms wounds again. Last week he had prescribed different bandages but apparently the staff called him back because no visible progress was noticed. The wound was getting worse and kept bleeding. I never knew until yesterday. This in itself has been strange as well. Everything was fine, wow what an amazing wound recovery you have, you are my number wound healing patient, to oops your wound doesn’t look all that great the next day. I get it and the diabetes plays a big part in it, but it was ironic that this happened while her wound manager was on vacation for two weeks and the care facility took over. Of course nobody would want to accept any responsibility and I had a few instances of feeling enraged when I got there and saw Mom like a question mark in bed with her toes hitting the footboard. Pressure will cause open wounds for her, which is dangerous. She has one of the highest grades as far as care requirements. She is getting support but not all and it roughly costs close to €4000 to care for Mom per month. Despite of her increased requirements things like that happen frequently. Courtesy of being short staffed. Perhaps it is not the way to go and she should come home. She would have to accept someone living with her 100%. She would have to listen and not know everything better, she would have to adjust. I’m not sure she could and I don’t foresee either way as the solution. I just don’t know anymore. Not tonight and maybe by morning things will look better. I wished I could have waited, but I had no clue where the doctor was (not in the room yet) and I had to go.

Later on at home the senior center called. A ambulance transport has been ordered for tomorrow morning to transport Mom to the hospital. The forecast: Potential surgery and I can’t even think about the possibility of her losing her leg. I’m not sure she’d have the will to continue living. No matter how she feels about me, I wished that I could be with her tonight. To hold her hand, to have her say whatever it is she wants to say, even if she wants to continue in silence and say nothing at all, but to let her know that she is not alone. I can only hope that she can feel that I’m with her and that I worry alongside with her.

Sorry for the net like quality of this picture, I installed mosquito netting on my window this afternoon. I’ve been sitting at the window writing and listening to the rain. My cat spirit is here and I have never seen her Meow and beg for attention so much as tonight. She is literally trying to figure out how to reach my window. Her behavior is urgent and she has been persistent with her calls. Cat symbolism urges me to “Just be”, but is this possible in a time like this?

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

26 thoughts on “Set-backs

    1. Thank you Marcus, I have no choice as to being strong and you definitely realize how strong you can be when being strong is all you have left. Wishing you a happy holiday this Thursday and sending much love.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. You are unique, with courage true you run
    Fulfilling destiny, warm-hearted one;
    Look, angels, oh, behold all
    Upon this woman shining to her call!
    Her Totem is The Heart, her heart goes whole
    Love inscribes her name on devotion’s scroll:
    Where else then will she goal than in The Heart
    Beating for Mastery through Jesu’s art?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I love this. And now understanding where it came from and how it was customized to fit me, I love it even more. You continue to speak to my heart my soul sister and I’m blessed to have crossed paths with you. Xo…thank you. 💙

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I actually see your sad account of your Mom’s condition as some progress. Although you might think this stage is so much worse than the smiles and niceties, it is more truthful. Your Mom has deep seated hurts unknown to you Rhapsody. She knows her life is limited and unlikely to improve. She also feels totally helpless and depressed that she cannot change things. She lashes out in an attempt to save what little dignity that she has left. She feels safe enough to do it with you, because she has seen that you won’t run away. Be strong and protect yourself with pink light (against the hurts flung your way). Wrap your Mom in pink light too…to ease her pain, to ease her hurts. Yes, it is a time for patience. You have seen the truths and your Mom is just opening her eyes to her reality…be gentle and kind as much as you can. You are the one holding all the cards and sometimes getting your opponent to admit that the game is over, to admit defeat, is more than they can bear.
    Patience and waiting is all you can accomplish with her right now. 💖

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am sending healing thoughts to your Mom…to ease her pain.
      I sense she is very upset at being in hospital again. If you go today, I hope she will let you hold her hand. I feel that deep down, she loves you. She just cannot let go of her defenses right now… To do so, she thinks, will take her fight against death away from her. She is afraid! Be strong for he Rhapsody. 💖💖💖

      Liked by 1 person

    2. You are absolutely right and while playing nice is peaceful, it is not real Nd nothing is accomplished. It merely buys some time, sometimes time that will eventually run out.
      Awhile back I did paperwork to get a handicapped license for Mom. It came the other day, along with the reasons as to why it was approved. Approval or denial is granted aft medical revue and it was there that I learned that Mom has dementia and other behavioral issues. It explains a lot and is very sad. I have no idea for how long she has had it but noticed last year already that she doesn’t stay mad anymore. She might fight with you and ten minutes later acts as if nothing ever happened. I now know why.

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      1. Ah, Dementia is a whole new issue. It is best not to be confrontational. I always directed my Mother-in-Law toward childhood memories to bring her back into focus. There, she could remember things, there she was happy, there she was herself and away from that anger and frustration that dementia but brings. Be strong and ask your Mom about her childhood. You will learn amazing things.

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    1. You are too kind and sweet and I wouldn’t know what to do without people such as yourself.i am grateful you are with me through times of thick and thin. I truly never feel alone and when things get too much, you all help,carry me to safer grounds. Thank you my love, you are amazing. 💙

      Liked by 1 person

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