Posted in Life, Mom

Some things will never change

“Light at the end of the tunnel”. It was the first thought that came to mind riding the bicycle through this tunnel tonight. I had to stop and just take in the beauty of it for a moment. To just breathe and be in the moment. I don’t have “the bike” from my girlfriend yet, but I had “a bike” I could use tonight. It was a bad day and this comes from a person who would be the first to tell you that there are no bad days. I can’t find a better word for it right now. I’m not exempt and it was a bad day. Some things just won’t change.

I went to Würzburg yesterday and had a good time with my nieces and family. The trouble started last night with a missed delivery for my bed that arrived a day earlier than I was told. The hassle started from there and after moving mountains last night and today, they finally agreed to redeliver. I was glad as I knew it would be bulky to transport by myself. It took all day until 5:30PM for the guy to finally show up. On top of it, he was aggravated for unknown reasons, yelled at the neighbors dogs which can get annoying, and delivered only one of two boxes. “Gotta go lady” he left me with little info of what to expect and where and when to get my second box. I’m not worried at the moment and grab my stuff so I can rush and see Mom. She’s been alone nearly two days now, probably worried why I’m not there. Sure enough a smart remark flies right from the get go as if I’m a schoolgirl who forgot where she is suppose to be.

Well let’s just say that she wasn’t in good spirits and the last time I’ve seen her like this was the first day I arrived. Bad things were said, mainly from her and it was tough to remember that it was he illness talking. Sometimes I can’t blame it all on the illness and she knows darn well.

I’m at a loss for words tonight. I was angry, which is subsiding and is leaving nothing but a gaping hole. I can hear the echo laughing and saying “who are you kidding”. I’m sure I won’t give up hope, although I was pretty close to having enough of it all tonight. She pushed me away pretty hard tonight.

I’m glad I had the bike to ride off a bit of steam. My face was red as a tomato by the time I got done, and my heart was pumping hard. I might be sore tomorrow as it took awhile to just ride it off. Don’t worry, I’m just venting and I will be ok. At the moment I feel back at square one, with all your praise and kind words about bringing light to her life disappointed and gone out the window. I feel as if I have failed, although I know much better. I know it isn’t true, but sometimes things are beyond unjustified and uncalled for. Today was such a day and more is yet to come.

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

32 thoughts on “Some things will never change

  1. I can understand why you feel like that, you must feel like you have got nowhere with all the progress you made, but its not true, you did make progress, wonderful, amazing and at one stage, seemingly impossible progress and it will count for something, once things start to calm down again. And they will. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through again. You know I am always here for you. Remember your two swords. x

    Liked by 2 people

      1. The curse of the psychological therapist in me, I’m afraid. In this case, being right is wonderful, even I am surprised it is so soon back to normal, a testament to your mom’s progress. So delighted for you. x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I wouldn’t have it any other one and I’m grateful for it. Mom used to be able to be stubborn for months if she wanted to, holding on to a grudge. I’m not sure if she realized that life is too short or that it is truly due to her short term memory loss. She had an accident yesterday and luckily I was there to clean her up. First she got mad at me as if it was my fault not getting her to the bathroom fast enough and after everything was done she told the nurse who just changed her bed sheet that she made it just in time. I’m not sure and maybe just like then she either truly forgets or is in denial.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. You know, of course, when she is mad at you, she is really mad at herself and mis-directs it? It’s not the memory loss, I am convinced this is genuine soul development on her part, you can feel her efforts in changing. My blessings, my soul sister. x

        Liked by 2 people

      4. I do feel it and it is why I keep coming back to help and not abandon her. Her life has been dark long enough and I know that she is used to it. Still, I gladly extend the light to her for her to keep adding more and more shimmers to her heart. It won’t be always progress and it takes time. Time I’m lucky to have had with her.

        Liked by 2 people

      5. What you are doing for her is so beautiful and I know how deeply it hurts you to do it at times. To add balance, there have also been wonderful breakthrough moments and it is precious to be able to heal the relationship with your own mother, as I know. My love and admiration for you are immense, my wonderful one. x

        Liked by 2 people

      6. I have just sat for you and your mom at my altar and asked for help and guidance from the inner planes. You are not alone, you really aren’t. Whatever happens now, all those days with your mom when you were close will never go away, they happened, you will always have that time in your heart. May your mom realise this too and strive to ensure there are more such days. With so much love, my dear one, sleep well. xx

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  2. I’m so with you. I read this and thought ‘WTheck? Our moms must be channeling each other.’ Mum was so mean the other day.
    I’m impressed you can ride a bike still! Mum told me I can ride hers, but the times I did last year I wrecked big time and am now wary of getting on the saddle again. Way to Go!!!!!!!!!!!!! You rock, my girl. (or ride!)
    {{HUG}}

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I think you are right about our Mom’s, maybe it was the full moon.
      Ha ha I was worried about the bike but determined I guess. After all they say it’s like riding a bike and you never forget, so I went for it. Lol. Luckily I’ve been safe so far. You probably just had an off day, just try it again. Slowly and carefully ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sometimes things are out of your control. You are doing one of the toughest, heart wrenching jobs ever. Living life and taking care of a loved one is never easy especially when words cut like a knife. Just remember you are a strong and remarkable soul! The bike sounds like a great way to blow off some steam. I hope the cranky delivery guy gets the rest of your things. Love to you!💞🌻

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  4. Few paths are totally straight. You got derailed, but that doesn’t mean that you will remain that way. You disappointed her. She lashed back. It was too reminiscent of your childhood. These things aren’t something you can fix in a few weeks. I think you’ve made remarkable progress since you’ve been there. Sending hugs! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You as right and it is one of the reasons I’m grateful to have had all that time with her. In a normal two week vacation, nothing would have ever been achieved. It is work in progress that too a lifetime to develop. It will take a little to undo. Thank you for your kind words my dear friend. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Warm Hug… You need one!

    Delivery stuff can be so frustrating. It’s not your fault! There is much incompetence that we cannot preempt.

    Your Mum, of course, has no idea what your life is like beyond her room. Her every thought is likely to be about herself. It seems to be an affliction that comes as the elderly mind starts to deteriorate. She is unlikely to appreciate anything you say unless it directly involves her.
    Don’t feel unhappy at her anger towards you, it is so common to see, that you mustn’t take it personally. Your Mum will get over it! Make sure you do too… Look after yourself and if tears need to fall, let them do so… Very cathartic. You are a caring person, so your heart is always vulnerable to hurts! 💖💖💖

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Such beautiful and true words. I feel they nailed what happened and what still goes on. Thank you for the hug, it was gladly accepted and luckily things have gotten better again. Plus, hey, the second box showed up for delivery this morning and all is well. ♥️♥️♥️

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Wishing you the best as you pass through the ups and downs. I know that no-one is a saint, and when I’m not, I try not to dwell on it, and forgive myself. And I know that even when there are clear reasons for someone to say hurtful things that have nothing to do with me, they still hurt. PS gorgeous photograph

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A wonderful practice full of forgiveness which is always the key to move on. It takes great wisdom to arrive at that conclusion and I’m glad it is your choice of how to deal with the downs. Thank you so mich Steve. Have a beautiful day.

      Liked by 2 people

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