It looks like it’s going to be a rainy day. I love the rain and right now it is a peaceful quiet mist that is falling from the sky. I’m up at the wee hours and it wasn’t even 5AM when I decided to start my day. I made coffee and slowly the day is filling with light as I sit at the window, taking the occasional sip, letting my mind drift into the distance. The ground is wet and the drops will continue to fall throughout the day. My friends the snails have emerged from the bushes, carrying their houses into the open, to rinse from the dirt and be born yet again. It’s quiet outside and the world hasn’t fully awakened yet. I think I will sit and consciously enjoy the stillness for awhile.
It is for the first time that I truly notice the Hollunder bush that is blooming outside my window. It looks especially beautiful this morning and the rain has given it a lush appearance. Somebody mentioned that you can bake and eat the white blooms. Supposedly they are delicious and I might have a food source growing right outside my door without ever knowing about it. For now I am enjoying it just the way it is and it looks magnificent.
I was planning on going to Würzburg with the family later on this afternoon. I’m undecided and woke up with a sore wrist. The RA has left my feet and moved into my right shoulder a few days ago. It never fully manifested there and the pain was tolerable, but this morning it is my right wrist that is giving me trouble. So much though that I had to challenge Creativity this morning, given that I’m right handed to complete a few minor tasks. My arm is hanging there as if a foreign piece of myself that I’m trying to operate and have little control over. I know Leni (my niece) would be disappointed if I don’t make it. She loves to shop and is been telling me for days how excited she is that the day is near for us to go. I have an especially close connection to her and she has stolen my heart long ago. It is incredible to discover all the things we have in common, all the things we love and all the things we enjoy doing. She often reminds me of a small little version of myself, but it is her soul that shines the brightest.
Yesterday while visiting Mom, I learned that something is not ok with her foot. It’s the one where her big toe was amputated last Christmas Eve. I know right…Merry Christmas. It’s been ok all this time and healing, but all of a sudden a doctor is needed to determine further treatment. It just shows how quick things can change, especially with a diabetes patient. I’m nervous for her, and could see the worry in her eyes yesterday. In a way as if she needs a break and can’t take anymore bad news. So much has happened towards the end of last year and so far this year. She is in a constant state of preparedness for the next thing to make its appearance, and has accepted that surely it will. It’s sad. Her doctor is suppose to get there early this morning, before his own praxis starts. I’m sure it’s been on my mind and would explain why I can’t sleep. I will call over there this morning and see if I can find out anything, before I decide on Würzburg. It seems shallow to go shopping under these circumstances and I will need to see how the wrist is developing. It’s painful right now and would be a drag trying to carry any shopping bags. There is much that is waiting to be done in the house, which will also have to wait. Today is probably not the day to do so. I’m limited and nothing will happen unless the trouble in my wrist disappears as quickly as it came. Anything can happen and while I engage this very thought, I’m noticing my mind frame is much different then Mom’s. I see our varying choices, perhaps induced by life experiences but mainly by the path we have chosen to walk. The perception we decided to own and the outcome we most likely expect. In my time here, it is my mission to bring as much light back to Mom as possible, to change that mind frame, to come to expect the good vs, the next bad thing from happening. I will, and already have brought purpose back to her life, and she has smiled more then she has in years, I’m certain. It’s a beautiful thing and the conditional love of a daughter, the self sacrifice of the Hanged Man (tarot post) to gather information from a different point of view. It is a vital piece of the puzzle and I am where I need to be. I am all that is left and I know that it is only me who can open the heart of my mother to led it flood with love and light. And so it shall be….