Posted in Life, Mom

Anniversary blues

The 20th of May, Mom and Dad’s wedding anniversary. She would have been married for 57 years, but sadly only shared 13 years with Dad before he passed. Mom hasn’t said much in the past two days, but has been overcome by sadness and just gazing off into the distance. Even one of her nurses asked why she looked so sad. She didn’t answer and just shrugged it off as if it was nothing. Clearly it’s more then nothing and I can sense her struggle. A few times I noticed her eyes fill with tears, on the brink of rolling down her face, but she regained composure just before. It was as if she wanted to cry, but remained strong in front of her girl, me, to not show any weakness. I see it anyways and it caused me a great deal of pain to see her like this. I felt like holding her, to be there for her on a more personal level and to reassure that everything would be ok. Would it be? What do I know? I don’t know what the future holds for her and if it is a future that she can embrace. Perhaps it was this moment that I anticipated with brief panic from the other day, after the nightmare.

It’s been two days, unable to snap out of her current state. I think it’s a combination of things that are causing her to feel the blues. Her wedding anniversary has to be huge, being the only one left, remembering a special day without your one and all. How could it ever be a day of celebration again! Second, she misses her home, her sanctuary, the memories of Dad, perhaps even the time she could spend with me. I am in her apartment while she is bound to the bed, unable to enjoy life to the extend most others do. She knows that I am going shopping to Würzburg with the family on Thursday. It’s bittersweet, happy and sad at the same time for her. I know she would have loved to join. The same goes for things in the house and I told her the other day that I washed the curtains and windows. How nice and bright they got and how good it looked. She managed a brief smile and said with a faint, sorrow voice that she couldn’t do it anymore towards the end. Almost like a sorry, an excuse for why they weren’t this way the begin with. It was sad and I keep those talks to a minimum now. I don’t need her to think how wonderful it is in her apartment while she has no way to enjoy it herself. I have to admit that it has gotten much homier and I’m finally much more comfortable. It still is not my own four walls, but I make due. I didn’t exactly come for a resort vacation. To what extend she needs to know this, I am not sure.

I hope Mom is feeling better soon and can find her way back. She didn’t even want to read the little Buddha today, although it has been a highlight for her. It was ok and I don’t think she would have been in the right frame of mind to take in any life lesson today. There were another few things off today and Mom claimed that there was a secret door behind her wardrobe. It’s a mirrored wardrobe that like any mirror reflects the room across it. Mom can look into the mirror from a certain angle of her bed, seeing the reflection through it. Today she was convinced that there was a room, without considering any other alternatives. I don’t like it when she gets this way and persists on being right. I can’t help but think “Just listen to what you are saying, it’s for those very reasons and the delusional, out of touch way, as to why you can’t come home alone.” Mixed with the sad face and tear filled eyes, it’s simply heart breaking.

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

20 thoughts on “Anniversary blues

  1. My sweet and loving friend, it seems your mom is going through a catharsis, since she started opening up to you, letting you in and talking about the past. This is releasing a lot of emotion, it’s going to come out in tears and sadness at times but this is a healthy and understandable reaction. Not only releasing for the past but for the losses of now, of home and bodily function. She is doing really, really well and you are there, her support, the gentle midwife for all she needs to release. Please be aware that this painful time, for her to experience and you to witness, is okay and a good thing on many levels. Continue to hold her hand, continue to look into her eyes with your beautiful smile. Continue to gently bring her back to the here and now when she is ready. She loves you and having you there is helping so, so much, she would never have been able to do this without you at all and it is releasing her soul from the weight she has carried for so many years. She will smile again and get back to the Little Buddha soon.
    When she states something she believes and nobody else does, don’t get sad, don’t try to persuade it’s not true. This is her reality for the moment, it is therefore, true to her, it is okay to accept that it is her truth. You are respecting her by doing so and you will both get upset if you try to persuade her otherwise. By accepting that she believes it doesn’t need to mean you are colluding with her. I hope that makes sense and is helpful. I am with you and will spend time today at my altar for you both. I am sending love and light to you both. xx

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    1. As always you are right and I can’t thank you enough for the reminder and for opening my eyes even further. Thank you for taking the time, for always understanding and for always knowing just the right thing to say that resonates so much with me. Xoxo

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    2. As always, you are spot on and I know you are right. With so much trapped energy from over the years, one can not expect anything to go smooth. It will take its process with many emotions that can quickly change from one moment to the next. I was able to bring her back and make her smile against her will the other day. I know she was sad and irritable and felt like crying, but ended up laughing in the end. I know it will not always end this way and we just have to take one day at a time. We did read the little Buddha and she always asks what the next story is called as soon as we finish one.
      Xoxoxo

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      1. It makes me smile big to think of you making her laugh despite herself, you are just so brilliant! You are the best medicine she can possibly have. xx

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      2. Oh my, that is good news indeed, thank you for sharing, I am so pleased and relived for you, my dear sister. x

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  2. Towards the end of our life, it is common to regain the ability to look across the divide to other dimensions. Time does not exist and all is revealed. I’m sorry that your Mom is so sad, and that you cannot join or help her in those moments. Your Mom’s time is short Rhapsody. Know that you are giving her a cushioned existence and love to help her soul soar like a bird!

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  3. Beautiful photograph of your parents, my friend! It must be so hard for your Mom. My Dad took it so hard to spend his 50th wedding anniversary with a wife that doesn’t recognize him anymore. It is a nightmare. I just hope that those who lost their love in whatever ways still find a way to connect with the other side through whatever ways the gods provide, even if zit is subconscious only….

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    1. That is so sad and often harder on the ones who remain and have to watch helplessly. I’m so sorry my dear friend and I know it has to weigh in you too. Life goes in for all of us and we always find a way, but sometimes a ho,e remains that just can’t be filled. I too hope they find a way to connect and know that they are not alone.

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