The 20th of May, Mom and Dad’s wedding anniversary. She would have been married for 57 years, but sadly only shared 13 years with Dad before he passed. Mom hasn’t said much in the past two days, but has been overcome by sadness and just gazing off into the distance. Even one of her nurses asked why she looked so sad. She didn’t answer and just shrugged it off as if it was nothing. Clearly it’s more then nothing and I can sense her struggle. A few times I noticed her eyes fill with tears, on the brink of rolling down her face, but she regained composure just before. It was as if she wanted to cry, but remained strong in front of her girl, me, to not show any weakness. I see it anyways and it caused me a great deal of pain to see her like this. I felt like holding her, to be there for her on a more personal level and to reassure that everything would be ok. Would it be? What do I know? I don’t know what the future holds for her and if it is a future that she can embrace. Perhaps it was this moment that I anticipated with brief panic from the other day, after the nightmare.
It’s been two days, unable to snap out of her current state. I think it’s a combination of things that are causing her to feel the blues. Her wedding anniversary has to be huge, being the only one left, remembering a special day without your one and all. How could it ever be a day of celebration again! Second, she misses her home, her sanctuary, the memories of Dad, perhaps even the time she could spend with me. I am in her apartment while she is bound to the bed, unable to enjoy life to the extend most others do. She knows that I am going shopping to Würzburg with the family on Thursday. It’s bittersweet, happy and sad at the same time for her. I know she would have loved to join. The same goes for things in the house and I told her the other day that I washed the curtains and windows. How nice and bright they got and how good it looked. She managed a brief smile and said with a faint, sorrow voice that she couldn’t do it anymore towards the end. Almost like a sorry, an excuse for why they weren’t this way the begin with. It was sad and I keep those talks to a minimum now. I don’t need her to think how wonderful it is in her apartment while she has no way to enjoy it herself. I have to admit that it has gotten much homier and I’m finally much more comfortable. It still is not my own four walls, but I make due. I didn’t exactly come for a resort vacation. To what extend she needs to know this, I am not sure.
I hope Mom is feeling better soon and can find her way back. She didn’t even want to read the little Buddha today, although it has been a highlight for her. It was ok and I don’t think she would have been in the right frame of mind to take in any life lesson today. There were another few things off today and Mom claimed that there was a secret door behind her wardrobe. It’s a mirrored wardrobe that like any mirror reflects the room across it. Mom can look into the mirror from a certain angle of her bed, seeing the reflection through it. Today she was convinced that there was a room, without considering any other alternatives. I don’t like it when she gets this way and persists on being right. I can’t help but think “Just listen to what you are saying, it’s for those very reasons and the delusional, out of touch way, as to why you can’t come home alone.” Mixed with the sad face and tear filled eyes, it’s simply heart breaking.