My hike today took me along the adventure path in my hometown. I took a break from Mom, and it was a day filled with mixed emotions. I chased away thoughts of missing her, and really tried to allow myself to breathe. I haven’t done so since my arrival, and I knew that I was in desperate need of a little escape. Mom is slowly changing, and the last couple of days have been more challenging. The fear of death has disappeared, she knows that she has made it through the critical phases, and she is step by step returning to her stern, stubborn self. It’s a struggle for me and with no time to myself, I can feel my patience dwindling away. I’m getting more aggressive towards her when she is mean, and I know that being as hard heated as she is, won’t solve anything. Perhaps it will be the cause of losing everything I thought we had accomplished over the past weeks, if we haven’t already. She is voicing that she wants to go home although she can’t walk, has a catheter and requires extensive care of her still open wounds. Mom was evaluated last week to determine the amount of care she requires. There are five different grades/levels, with one being the lowest and with the least amount of care, and five being the highest, requiring the most care. Mom was graded as a level four, almost at the highest grade. Can she comprehend what’s going on? I won’t be surprised if down the road she blames me and develops even harsher feelings for being in the senior nursing home. It remains the only place of survival, but I’m not sure she will ever see it this way.
The change in Moms behavior started about a week ago. After some research, I found out that Mom can get reimbursed for all medical bills she paid during the past four years. I’m also trying to get her released from any further charges and contributions. She needs a handicapped passport. I need to look through her account for the past four years to gather information such as bills for hospital stays etc. I needed to get paperwork from her doctor about her chronic illnesses and it’s really been a lot of work. Mom doesn’t understand how time consuming it all is, especially since she doesn’t remember where some of those papers are. I’m expected to be next to her as much as possible, and it’s hitting a nerve with me. I’m there because I want to help, not because I have to, but if try to force me or say I have to be because it’s my obligation,without respect for me and my own needs, you will probably hit the only stubborn bone I have in my body. You are and will always be my mother, but what the heck….really…who are you to not care about me at all? It sounds awfully selfish and I’m sorry if I don’t relate. I’m hurt by this…
My cousin has been more than gracious allowing me to use her car, but it still requires planning, and I can’t get in my own car and drive away whenever I feel like. I need to wait or do my grocery shopping when I have the car. It’s easier to carry and it allows me to shop at a bigger store vs. the overpriced tiny, village market.
Mom got upset last Saturday as I left slightly earlier in order to get some groceries. She made it known the next day that I was mean to leave so early, leaving her all alone, while she didn’t care to be all alone. Here we go with that again, and it is my life long sentence that I always leave her behind. I usually stay with her for half of the day, every day, and days have passed one by one, not working, but struggling to get everything accomplished.
In the search of all things required, I have come across a few things here and there. Other things than what I really need to find. Mom only says “What you always find”, as if I’m snooping through all of her belongings. I couldn’t help my feelings getting hurt, and for the first time I felt her gratefulness turn into distrust again. Perhaps she has forgotten that I’m taking care of her Castle. Now I feel like she thinks that I’m the intruder that lives in her apartment, going through all of her stuff. I know she has been alone for several decades, and I’m sure this has to be hard for her as well. , Perhaps I need to be less sensitive, but it’s hard when it comes across without a touch of compassion that Mom never learned. Come and sense doesn’t rule here and she has forgotten basic manners and terms as to how people interact.
I’ll leave it at that and for today, I’m glad I got to escape for a bit…
To be continued…😔
Picture of my village as seen from my hike today.