Posted in Life, Mom

A short escape

My hike today took me along the adventure path in my hometown. I took a break from Mom, and it was a day filled with mixed emotions. I chased away thoughts of missing her, and really tried to allow myself to breathe. I haven’t done so since my arrival, and I knew that I was in desperate need of a little escape. Mom is slowly changing, and the last couple of days have been more challenging. The fear of death has disappeared, she knows that she has made it through the critical phases, and she is step by step returning to her stern, stubborn self. It’s a struggle for me and with no time to myself, I can feel my patience dwindling away. I’m getting more aggressive towards her when she is mean, and I know that being as hard heated as she is, won’t solve anything. Perhaps it will be the cause of losing everything I thought we had accomplished over the past weeks, if we haven’t already. She is voicing that she wants to go home although she can’t walk, has a catheter and requires extensive care of her still open wounds. Mom was evaluated last week to determine the amount of care she requires. There are five different grades/levels, with one being the lowest and with the least amount of care, and five being the highest, requiring the most care. Mom was graded as a level four, almost at the highest grade. Can she comprehend what’s going on? I won’t be surprised if down the road she blames me and develops even harsher feelings for being in the senior nursing home. It remains the only place of survival, but I’m not sure she will ever see it this way.

The change in Moms behavior started about a week ago. After some research, I found out that Mom can get reimbursed for all medical bills she paid during the past four years. I’m also trying to get her released from any further charges and contributions. She needs a handicapped passport. I need to look through her account for the past four years to gather information such as bills for hospital stays etc. I needed to get paperwork from her doctor about her chronic illnesses and it’s really been a lot of work. Mom doesn’t understand how time consuming it all is, especially since she doesn’t remember where some of those papers are. I’m expected to be next to her as much as possible, and it’s hitting a nerve with me. I’m there because I want to help, not because I have to, but if try to force me or say I have to be because it’s my obligation,without respect for me and my own needs, you will probably hit the only stubborn bone I have in my body. You are and will always be my mother, but what the heck….really…who are you to not care about me at all? It sounds awfully selfish and I’m sorry if I don’t relate. I’m hurt by this…

My cousin has been more than gracious allowing me to use her car, but it still requires planning, and I can’t get in my own car and drive away whenever I feel like. I need to wait or do my grocery shopping when I have the car. It’s easier to carry and it allows me to shop at a bigger store vs. the overpriced tiny, village market.

Mom got upset last Saturday as I left slightly earlier in order to get some groceries. She made it known the next day that I was mean to leave so early, leaving her all alone, while she didn’t care to be all alone. Here we go with that again, and it is my life long sentence that I always leave her behind. I usually stay with her for half of the day, every day, and days have passed one by one, not working, but struggling to get everything accomplished.

In the search of all things required, I have come across a few things here and there. Other things than what I really need to find. Mom only says “What you always find”, as if I’m snooping through all of her belongings. I couldn’t help my feelings getting hurt, and for the first time I felt her gratefulness turn into distrust again. Perhaps she has forgotten that I’m taking care of her Castle. Now I feel like she thinks that I’m the intruder that lives in her apartment, going through all of her stuff. I know she has been alone for several decades, and I’m sure this has to be hard for her as well. , Perhaps I need to be less sensitive, but it’s hard when it comes across without a touch of compassion that Mom never learned. Come and sense doesn’t rule here and she has forgotten basic manners and terms as to how people interact.

I’ll leave it at that and for today, I’m glad I got to escape for a bit…

To be continued…😔

Picture of my village as seen from my hike today.

Author:

Who am I, and why I write. I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I am the one, holding on to the silver lining when the skies are gray. I’m a believer that nothing is coincidence, but that everything has purpose. I’ve made my mistakes, don’t we all, but I see them as growing pains and they are a part of who I am today. I have lost myself in order to find myself, and I still do from time to time, but in a good way. I’m a big child who laughs until my belly hurts when life wants to be serious. Career wise: I’ve been there, done that, and I took “The jump” off the hamster wheel in an effort to change my future. I didn’t land all that soft, but I can say that I’m still proud to have found the courage to do it. Coming full circle, I had it all, and yet I was lonely and had nothing. Today I choose to be a collector of moments and I chase memories, instead of the material stuff. Less is more, and the motto is quality over quantity. You’d be amazed at how freeing it can be. I see myself as a free spirit that believes in an unconventional lifestyle. Somehow I go against the grain most of the times, not to rebel, but because it feels right to stay true to my unique and authentic self. It takes courage, and you often stand alone, but if you dare, you soon realize that it is the only way if you don’t want to lose who you are. Just like most, my past wasn’t easy and I come from a life that didn’t always give me the opportunity to be heard. Few related and even fewer cared to take the time. But that’s the past and it’s history, the future hasn’t happened and the “NOW” is truly all we ever have. In the end we all have a story to tell, and we all seek to be understood. We all yearn to be heard and accepted and still life is hard and our path is full of stumbling blocks. If we can see the lessons in adversity we may realize that the toughest moments are often our greatest teachers. There is a reason for the saying that the stars can’t shine without darkness, and it might be darkness that will show you the light.
It took a series of (un)fortunate events, to learn to glow through the pain, to learn how to dance in the rain. I believe in Magic and wonder, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As an empath this old soul often feels a little too much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today, I am here to tell my story because I believe that it can help others. It is my hope to bring inspiration and strengths to you, while showing you that it can be done. I know you are out there, and I know you are suffering in silence. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and your voice is being heard loud and clear. Hang on and be strong, transformation is yours. 
In light and love....Rhapsody Bohème 💙🦋

30 thoughts on “A short escape

  1. Hang on, Gorgeous… You’re doing an amazing job with your mom. It must be heart breaking to feel no gratitude, and even feel like she sees you like the mean one not doing enough, and invading her house… But remember that you are doing the right thing, and that you are doing your best! Of course, it would be a lot better if you got rewarded with a little thankfulness, but that’s something you can’t control, no matter how hard you think about it.

    I hope you’ll keep taking (a little) time for yourself, and walk away when you need it… You need to stay the fierce and fabulous person you are, for you and your mom now. Hopefully venting it here, and knowing that we are there to support you from afar will help…

    Sending you the warmest of hugs!! xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much my dear friend. You are right in every word and writing/venting my feelings here has helped me cope and release any negativity I encounter. It’s something I don’t want to hold on to. I am doing the best I can but I fear a lot more struggles are on the horizon. I can only try to tackle them one day at a time and appreciate all the love and support from you and this wonderful community. Xoxo thank you

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Please forgive me for saying something as bold as the fact that I am glad you wrote all that down today, it seems like it really needed to come out.
    I am beginning to realise that these past few weeks when you and your mum have been able to have a more balanced and loving time together, it has been a real blessing, especially if things are now reverting.
    I have been through exactly the same thing with my mum, she was critical and constantly put me down until I changed my reactions to her behaviour. I used Transactional Analysis, where we always communicate in either parent, adult or child mode. Her ‘parent’ approach always put me into ‘child’ response, which led to me getting very upset and nobody was happy. I learnt to stay in an ‘adult’ response towards her ‘parental’ behaviour and fairly soon she stopped criticising me and putting me down. It was as if I had re-programmed her without her even realising. It was hard work for me to keep remembering to change my responses, but worth it. At 57 yrs old, I finally got my first compliment from her!
    However you manage things, I am wishing you well and trust you will find your way through. With much love. x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hello dear friend and wise one ❤️. I think I just found my name for you, of course with your approval.
      You are right and I did had to write my thoughts to release negativity. Writing has always been an outlet for me, a place of sanity.
      The last few weeks have been a blessing and it was a little glimpse of how things could be. With Mom feeling better she is taking in her role of authority again and I realize it’s all she has ever known with me. She has never seen me as an adult and she knows little about my life. I did get a compliment about knitting the sock and it’s always a way to reconnect. I started to knit the second one the other day and she has calmed a bit. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me, I will remember it and try to utilize your advise. Hugs ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so glad you took time for yourself. You cannot be expected to keep up that pace unless you take a break. Your situation is tough because it’s your mom. You are doing fantastic and thankfully she has you. Remember you are a beautiful, passionate, and amazing! 💞🌞

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Lisa, you are always so kind and often your words reach me at times when I realize how strong I have been for so long. Your words allow me to pause for a moment and gather new strengths. Your words touch my heart and I hope you know how much I appreciate you. Xo

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I can believe you are doing everything to support and encourage your mom. Do not get discouraged. And certainly, it is more than okay to give yourself a break now and then. (been there, done that)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I enjoyed my break and I was reminded how essential our own time is. I know that I’m doing everything I can, whether Mom believes it or not. She keeps voicing that she wants to go home and I’m afraid of the battles that lie ahead. I know she will blame me for. It being able to come home. I don’t think she will ever get past it and might not ever want to see me again. I will have saved her life but she will hate every moment of it, including me. It’s a hard path and truths to accept.

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  5. I am so glad you were able to get out in nature and take some time to breathe. That is so important. Sending big hugs your way! You might need that hat of power soon!😉💚🦋

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It pains me to read this. Why AM I reading this? I didn’t know what it was about til I dipped my toes in the water. But, oh, does this have me thinking about the future with my parents.

    You, such a wannabe free spirit, such a wild horse with lovely dark hair and fire in your heart, are stuck with this parent trap, trying to be the responsible one but also hoping for some love from the sinking ship that may be losing all of the warmth you ever knew she could have. That seems to be a trend in aging. I never forget how cold my grandparents became when they neared death. Now, I see a bit of that and the loss of mental functions in my parents. [I don’t even want to think about them reaching the stage my mom’s mom was at not too long ago, so helpless and bruised from falling, so mentally challenged she couldn’t speak clearly.]

    I cannot bring myself to read all of this. I just fear the worst. You are a light of lights to inspire, and you are stuck with this tough situation. Sigh.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your compassion and honest has meant so much to me and I thank you for toe understanding. It’s a tough road right now, a battle I at times don’t believe that can be won. Either way it goes, there is no happy ending. It’s one of the hardest things I ever had to do and I fear the worst is still ahead of me. Thank you for your kindness and for taking the time to comment your precious thoughts.

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      1. You respect my honesty–which could have been more brash and careless if I didn’t caution myself–because you are, in some way, like me and/or starved for candid thoughts versus candied ones.

        Death does not provide much happiness at the end of a struggle. What happens beyond the fate we know remains somewhat of a mystery.

        Yes, I suspect the final moments of your struggle (and my own) will come like a waterfall on a foolish rafting ride, somewhat sudden and gravity-laden.

        Feel free to stay in touch if you want to talk about…anything.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I believe in your words and I know that they hold truth to what is perhaps a shared fate. You are right and I mich prefer the truth, good, bad and ugly at least I always know where to stand. I will always stay in touch, although wifi has been a challenge to communicate via email. I will find a way and your feedback is valued. Thank you.

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      3. Didn’t you substitute “mich” for “much” once before? Is there German leaking out of your fingers?

        Right. Though, even I sometimes wish the truth didn’t have to strike me so hard. Sometimes, I withdraw and avoid the truth simply because I expect the worst. But, it seems like the only way to get everything that needs to be open out in the open.

        Email is a challenge? Versus what? I have a Skype possibility. But, I thought email was sure to be the easiest of means next to a long-distance phone call or snail mail.

        You are most welcome, lovely lady.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Haha funny. Here is my dilemma. I usually live in the US, but I’m currently home in Germany to take care of my mother. I don’t have my usual cell phone or wifi connection while I’m here which makes it a challenge. Especially since spellcheck on this one is touchy lol and likes to use mich for the word much. By the way, mich is not German haha. It takes forever to type a comment but I’m grateful to have this borrowed phone to have somewhat of a contact and way to be on here. You are right and email is usually the best. Just can’t get back to you unless I’m somewhere where I can access it.

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      5. Oh, I thought you came to the US to be with Mother. [I need to read more carefully.]

        Is it a mich touchy? 😛

        Well, what do I know? I took three years of Spanish. I occasionally hear words like Mein and Frau, but that’s about it.

        Using a phone to process blogs and communicate…that’s rough.

        Liked by 1 person

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