There will always be some sort of struggle. How much is often up to us as we can control the amount of damage that is being done. Although there is much to celebrate and be grateful for, tonight I struggle and feel the pain. I try to remember to not let my mind wander the dangerous path that is destructive and stay optimistic and hopeful.
My path with Mom, and everything involved, has turned out better than anyone could ever predict. There have been moments where the stars mysteriously align. This often happens in the most unusual circumstances, and I know that prayers and support calls you all have shown me on this journey have been answered. Thank you kindly, you have no idea what you have done ❤️
My relationship with Mom is at a point that we have never experienced before, and it is what I have always wanted. Not under these circumstances of course, and it is breaking my heart in a whole new way. But there is definitely a Mother/Daughter Bond that had been missing for all of my life.
Everything was well until today, until I got to visit Mom and saw the new long term contract on the table waiting for me to be signed. Mom smiled and was happy to see me as usual, no idea about the papers just a few feet away from her. Close, yet out of reach, waiting for me to commit her to long term care. Sometimes I wonder if Mom knows what is going on or to what extend. Sometimes it feels like she thinks that she eventually will come back to her home. Other times she comments on the nice room she has, that everybody is nice and that she is doing well there. For me it is happy and sad at the same time, a relief and yet a burden and weight that seems to drown me at times. Tonight is such a night and I know it’s brought on by the contract that is waiting for my approval.
Tonight, I don’t know why I struggle so much with it, and why I can’t see that this is the best for Mom at this moment. Mom still can’t walk and her wounds are still healing. And even if she could manage, there is still the diabetes that robs her of whole timeframes and makes her forget important things such as taking her insulin and other important medications. She is getting stronger, but is too weak to walk. She is doing better as her meds are controlled, and yet I struggle to sign the damn papers. Why do I feel like I am committing her? Like I’m playing God over her fate? Why can’t I convince myself that this is the only choice at life she has right now? My mind and instinct does know, yet my heart still wants and yearns for different circumstances for her. As if she deserved better. Isn’t it the best where she is at this point? The wound manager, the doctor, everybody has confirmed that she is receiving the best care possible, the best supplies, and yet I struggle. It surely can’t be because she has to shell out a pretty penny in addition to what the insurance pays just to be in the home. Her feeling good and doing well is priceless at this point, but her care costs are actually listed a couple hundred euros higher than originally discussed, which needs to be cleared up as well. More to worry about and fight for. I had to fight for most of my life, fight for things that should be a given, and although I should be used to it, I realize that I really don’t like it. I can care less of being backed into the corner with no choice but to fight, because I know I will, but for once I wish it wouldn’t be so. Still, I can’t complain, and like I said before, much has turned out much better as anticipated.
Tonight I struggle whether I should share any of this with Mom. I don’t want to add additional weight to her already heavy burden, but she will soon know what’s going on once she sees the money coming out of her account either way. Maybe she would think less of me again and this would overshadow our relationship we have. Maybe she would appreciate me asking her opinion instead of just making the choices. I don’t know which path to take tonight, but all seem rocky and unpredictable. Maybe I buy a little time, and continue to strengthen our bond, let her recover, and put the ball in her court, by letting her be in charge over the progress. Maybe I wait and see how it goes.