Posted in Life, Mom

A tough path

There will always be some sort of struggle. How much is often up to us as we can control the amount of damage that is being done. Although there is much to celebrate and be grateful for, tonight I struggle and feel the pain. I try to remember to not let my mind wander the dangerous path that is destructive and stay optimistic and hopeful.

My path with Mom, and everything involved, has turned out better than anyone could ever predict. There have been moments where the stars mysteriously align. This often happens in the most unusual circumstances, and I know that prayers and support calls you all have shown me on this journey have been answered. Thank you kindly, you have no idea what you have done ❤️

My relationship with Mom is at a point that we have never experienced before, and it is what I have always wanted. Not under these circumstances of course, and it is breaking my heart in a whole new way. But there is definitely a Mother/Daughter Bond that had been missing for all of my life.

Everything was well until today, until I got to visit Mom and saw the new long term contract on the table waiting for me to be signed. Mom smiled and was happy to see me as usual, no idea about the papers just a few feet away from her. Close, yet out of reach, waiting for me to commit her to long term care. Sometimes I wonder if Mom knows what is going on or to what extend. Sometimes it feels like she thinks that she eventually will come back to her home. Other times she comments on the nice room she has, that everybody is nice and that she is doing well there. For me it is happy and sad at the same time, a relief and yet a burden and weight that seems to drown me at times. Tonight is such a night and I know it’s brought on by the contract that is waiting for my approval.

Tonight, I don’t know why I struggle so much with it, and why I can’t see that this is the best for Mom at this moment. Mom still can’t walk and her wounds are still healing. And even if she could manage, there is still the diabetes that robs her of whole timeframes and makes her forget important things such as taking her insulin and other important medications. She is getting stronger, but is too weak to walk. She is doing better as her meds are controlled, and yet I struggle to sign the damn papers. Why do I feel like I am committing her? Like I’m playing God over her fate? Why can’t I convince myself that this is the only choice at life she has right now? My mind and instinct does know, yet my heart still wants and yearns for different circumstances for her. As if she deserved better. Isn’t it the best where she is at this point? The wound manager, the doctor, everybody has confirmed that she is receiving the best care possible, the best supplies, and yet I struggle. It surely can’t be because she has to shell out a pretty penny in addition to what the insurance pays just to be in the home. Her feeling good and doing well is priceless at this point, but her care costs are actually listed a couple hundred euros higher than originally discussed, which needs to be cleared up as well. More to worry about and fight for. I had to fight for most of my life, fight for things that should be a given, and although I should be used to it, I realize that I really don’t like it. I can care less of being backed into the corner with no choice but to fight, because I know I will, but for once I wish it wouldn’t be so. Still, I can’t complain, and like I said before, much has turned out much better as anticipated.

Tonight I struggle whether I should share any of this with Mom. I don’t want to add additional weight to her already heavy burden, but she will soon know what’s going on once she sees the money coming out of her account either way. Maybe she would think less of me again and this would overshadow our relationship we have. Maybe she would appreciate me asking her opinion instead of just making the choices. I don’t know which path to take tonight, but all seem rocky and unpredictable. Maybe I buy a little time, and continue to strengthen our bond, let her recover, and put the ball in her court, by letting her be in charge over the progress. Maybe I wait and see how it goes.

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

21 thoughts on “A tough path

  1. That is a tough one, but if I were your Mom, I would want to know before they just took me to a new place. That would be hard to forgive. Whatever you decide, I know you are doing what is right in having her go to a long-term home. Is it considered a nursing home or assisted living?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hear what you mean my dear dragon keeper and I agree. Perhaps it’s why I struggled with it, but there are a few differences. Luckily Mom is staying at the he exact place she is now. She won’t even know that anything changed. No room change, no nothing, besides the care costs. The other good thing is that you can terminate the contract without any further ado. It’s a senior home, she has her own room and also receives care/nursing. The only reason I wasn’t going to say something initially is to burden her with the contract and cost etc. it’s something that is necessary at the moment and I’m not trying to withhold info from her. She is making great progress and I would love to keep if that way. Fingers crossed. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you. More developed today, in more of the same old strange fashion as I mentioned before. The universe and Mom are definitely guiding this process and I will post about it shortly. 😉🐉

        Liked by 1 person

  2. In situations like that it is not such thing like right decision to make. But I’m sure you have will make the best one you can as you love your mum so much. So be strong and take care!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hope you are allowed the time to make the decision that feels best to you. When I don’t know what to do I always do best if I give my heart and head time to make peace. I don’t have any answers for you, just know I am here, listening.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow, I cannot imagine how a situation like this would be easy for anyone to manage, but I do think you are showing amazing strength and integrity, and such love for your mum every day. I am certain you will find the best way forward in a challenging situation. You are wise beyond your years and a true inspiration to many. It is such a privilege to be sharing your journey vicariously, you are tackling issues that I, with my 88 year old mother, will be facing too, soon. I am sure I am not the only one wishing you strength and love as you experience each new day. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Once more, you shower me with your kindness and ever so wonderful input. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are one in a million, an empathy and a kind soul that can relate. Today was a big day for Mum and me, and even now she is helping in ways she doesn’t even know. There is something that can be so scary when being responsible for someone’s life, but there is also something so gratifying when you can make someone’s life a little easier. It’s moments like those that make the tough ones worthwhile. I’m the end and by sharing this journey, I can only offer my own advice and experiences. Each journey is unique and different and may be completely different from what I am experiencing. My advice would be to listen to your heart, it already knows, to be humble and expect nothing. Your biggest gifts and moments will happen this way. Be grateful and don’t take a moment for granted. Your next breath is not guaranteed. Be patient and kind to yourself by letting things develop. You’ll do yourself a favor and save many heartaches as well as heartaches. Make sure you say what needs to be said and don’t wait. You know all these things but you might have inspired a blog post about it for other to read as well. Xoxoxo hugs as always and thank you so much my lovely friend.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. 😉 thank you very much. I always believed that I’m an old soul. Many things seem strangely familiar and I often know things by intuition even though I have never experienced them. I’m sure that’s where some of it comes from. Thank you again 😉❤️ hugs

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I think you nailed it and my head knows that this is the right thing, although my heart aches for different circumstances for her. She truly had a shitty life and it kills me as if I was responsible for it. I know none of this is my fault, but it’s the empath in me and her being my mother. I can’t change it.

      Liked by 1 person

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