It was Valentine’s Day yesterday and I spent it alone. The day was filled with chores and preparations for Germany. I tried to call Mom for what must have been at least 30 minutes….no answer, and she is back to locking herself into her apartment. She got into a fight with her nurse that tends to her feet and I hope that by now she has forgotten about it and that she will open the door again and let her back in to care for her. One of my highlights was face timing with my cousin and nieces and it will be nice to spend time together once I get there. I mentioned potentially getting a pass to go swimming and I already got one little fan on board to accompany me when the time comes. 😉 I think it could help with the RA, solve the hot water, shower issue, but other things such as transportation etc, will have to fall into place first.
Today also brought frustrating moments such as fighting with the insurance for two hours straight. My goal was to set up an auto pay for my health benefits premiums since I won’t be here and have no paycheck for it to be automatically deducted as usual. After two hours and being transferred four times, I’m back to square one and nothing got resolved. Further I cancelled all my doctors appointments, besides the tooth fairy which I could reschedule for next Monday 8AM. Too early for me, but the only choice I had. I backed and synced music (important), freed up memory space in case I take pictures with the Canon, researched amazon for last minute things I need such as an converter plug and a guitar tuner. I will miss my ukulele, but I have an acoustic guitar in Germany, and maybe I can finally learn how to play it. And then there was the income tax return fiasco and trying to get everything done, which I didn’t and which I will have to revisit. Today was a mixed bag with successes and drawbacks, but overall I feel that I did accomplish some things.
The emotions ran a bit rampant throughout the day, perhaps because of Valentine’s Day and the day progressed not exactly how I would have wanted to spend it. So while there a strong moments powering through the tasks, there are also vulnerable ones which hurt a lot right now. I’m hanging in there the best I can, and my outlook and point of view changes with every day it seems. Even with Mom, have I gone through all kinds of emotions it seems. I have been frustrated with her stubbornness and sometimes selfish views, I even got downright angry at her and couldn’t understand. In the end the harsh feelings always pass, and it is always love that wins. Love hurts right now and sometimes it feels better to be angry and suppress the feelings, but today it all vanished. The anger and frustration left and I was confronted with the ugliness this has caused. I felt sad, perhaps even ashamed of myself for feeling this way, for getting angry at her. I know that I should have every right to be upset at her and yet what would it ever solve. If she can’t be the adult about this, I will have to be. In Germany we have a saying that the wiser person gives in. In other the wiser person doesn’t have to prove a point, they know it and so does the other person. Words become silent in a silent understanding and it’s enough.
Before coming to this conclusion, I experienced moments of numbness and acceptance for how things are. For that we will never have the relationship that I chased and hoped to have with her for all my life. There are times I’m coming to terms with it and I’m accepting this as my new truths, and then there are other times when it feels like it’s ripping my heart out. I feel like a rag doll at times, never knowing when a moment of sadness and pain strikes next. I don’t like it, but what I do know, is that I shouldn’t overthink things. To let them develop, as perhaps some things may never come to fruition. Maybe she will completely change, and although it’s highly unlikely, one should never give up hope. In this case it’s a vicious cycle. I feel the outcome so clearly as if I already seen it through a crystal ball. I know what is going to happen and I’m summoning the reserves and the strengths tarot already has forecasted in a prior reading. I need to dig deep and I will be ok. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy and the things that change us and make us better people. are most always painful experiences. This one is without a doubt my biggest challenge yet and I better get my butterfly wings when it’s all said and done. It’s up to me, and I have to remember that horns never looked good on me. Sorry, humor is something I have always used to pull myself out of the funk, and even here, as serious as this is, I still look for a way to make light of the situation. You have to, and it’s essential for your sanity I think.
I came across a new vinyl tablecloth for Mom. It’s full of hearts and a typical Valentine’s design. I thought it was perfect for her, for I would surely tell her that going forward there would be nothing but love in this house and this tablecloth would be a reminder to seize all the fights and resistance. As if it would magically make her surrender and allow me to help her. As if all of a sudden I would be accepted as her daughter and I would be worth something to her. As if she could love me and be proud of me. What a nonsense, but for a moment it was a beautiful thought and I rode that train for as long as I could. I will still take the tablecloth with me, but there is no-more telling of anything, no statement, no saying how things will be, nor will there be any expectations. If she likes it and it can bring her joy, then it’s a win for me and it shall make me happy. We will see in two short weeks. Until then…Happy Valentine’s Day Mom. You’re loved…♥️