Posted in Journey, Life

A day of “lasts”

It was a record weekend for sure. I packed for my trip to Germany in 1 day and 5 hours. Totally unheard of for me, as I usually pack way ahead of time and have everything with me, shy of the kitchen sink. White wizard, if you are reading this, we had this conversation before, and today I’m drawing comfort during my struggles, remembering your words.

20 Kilos, 44 pounds of my life filled the only suitcase that would be checked for an indefinite amount of time. A one way ticket with no return date, while the responsibilities here won’t stop or care to take a break due to no further income.

It felt like a day of “lasts”, and I stayed in bed well beyond an hour after waking up. It would be the last time I was sleeping in my bed, and no matter how comfortable I was trying to get last night, soaking up every moment, the fact was that I was freezing and couldn’t fall asleep. Nerves I’m sure and mental as well as physical exhaustion. But this morning was special as I watched the light flood the room through my cracked shades. The world was still mostly quiet. I love the warmth and the feeling it brings starting out my day. I took it all in and I wanted to remember the look and feel.

The last breakfast at home was followed by the last shower and it all sounds so dramatic. Still I couldn’t shake the feeling. I was able to drop off a little something in town and say a few more “Talk to you soon” (goodbyes are too hard of a word), while later spending time with Luna. In an hour and a half I will start my journey towards San Francisco to beat the snowy pass tonight. One last day at the ocean and Tuesday morning the long haul to Germany will begin.

My family has gone through extensive planning and preparations for my arrival. A room is ready for me at my aunts house (Mom’s Sister) and is waiting for me to inhabit. I’m very grateful for the help and for everything, but it will be a huge learning curve for me on top of everything. I can’t even remember the last time I had to depend on anyone, and I’ve been on my own, all of my life it seems. I don’t know how else to be and I’m used to transportation, WiFi, being able to blog, cooking my own food and having my own four walls. None of that will be there and I have to adapt. I’m used to my stuff even though I said it before that I’m not a materialistic person. Essentials are still essentials, and 20 kilos may not completely cover it. It all sounds selfish and it’s a huge transition for me. I know it is necessary and the right thing to do, but it’s hard. I know I worry about things I shouldn’t right now and just get there. I will, it’s just a huge adjustment as my life as I know it stops abruptly. Hardly anything about this is about me, although there are benefits attached to me as well. Not that this is the reason as to why I’m going. I have to be there, solely for Mom, to offer support and help where I can, and where she will allow me to do so. My benefits are that I’m doing what I can to eliminate later regrets and to mend the guilt, I have carried all these years. I have to come to terms with both of our struggles and I have to try at least. Life can no longer exist by avoiding responsibility and while carrying the blame and guilt.

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Author:

Who am I, and why I write. I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I am the one, holding on to the silver lining when the skies are gray. I’m a believer that nothing is coincidence, but that everything has purpose. I’ve made my mistakes, don’t we all, but I see them as growing pains and they are a part of who I am today. I have lost myself in order to find myself, and I still do from time to time, but in a good way. I’m a big child who laughs until my belly hurts when life wants to be serious. Career wise: I’ve been there, done that, and I took “The jump” off the hamster wheel in an effort to change my future. I didn’t land all that soft, but I can say that I’m still proud to have found the courage to do it. Coming full circle, I had it all, and yet I was lonely and had nothing. Today I choose to be a collector of moments and I chase memories, instead of the material stuff. Less is more, and the motto is quality over quantity. You’d be amazed at how freeing it can be. I see myself as a free spirit that believes in an unconventional lifestyle. Somehow I go against the grain most of the times, not to rebel, but because it feels right to stay true to my unique and authentic self. It takes courage, and you often stand alone, but if you dare, you soon realize that it is the only way if you don’t want to lose who you are. Just like most, my past wasn’t easy and I come from a life that didn’t always give me the opportunity to be heard. Few related and even fewer cared to take the time. But that’s the past and it’s history, the future hasn’t happened and the “NOW” is truly all we ever have. In the end we all have a story to tell, and we all seek to be understood. We all yearn to be heard and accepted and still life is hard and our path is full of stumbling blocks. If we can see the lessons in adversity we may realize that the toughest moments are often our greatest teachers. There is a reason for the saying that the stars can’t shine without darkness, and it might be darkness that will show you the light.
It took a series of (un)fortunate events, to learn to glow through the pain, to learn how to dance in the rain. I believe in Magic and wonder, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As an empath this old soul often feels a little too much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today, I am here to tell my story because I believe that it can help others. It is my hope to bring inspiration and strengths to you, while showing you that it can be done. I know you are out there, and I know you are suffering in silence. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and your voice is being heard loud and clear. Hang on and be strong, transformation is yours. 
In light and love....Rhapsody Bohème 💙🦋

28 thoughts on “A day of “lasts”

  1. It’s sad when something is felt for the last time but it’s not as if you’re going to die ! It’s just a new beginning and i can assure you that there are people who dream about a new beginning but they’re stuck where they are.

    Be grateful for what you’re able to do and have. What if you had to go but with no one waiting for you? What if you didn’t have mother ? I think that you’re too pesimistic

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Can’t agree with you on that one dear. It was just a fact on how I felt at the moment. I’m an optimist, always believing in the potential of everything, even throughout the challenges such as this. Having a mother can mean various things other than just being related through blood. Unfortunately Mom and I never had a mother daughter relationship and me coming home for her is based on it being my duty and obligation. It’s not enough for me and I always wanted more than that. I hoped and chased that all of my life and it definitely was not because I’m a pessimist. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s an epic moment… you are a romantic at soul, I understand your attachment to these things and to this “era” coming to an end (plus… you never know if there won’t be a second episode…)…and it’s a huge change and challenge… but all this is also rich in emotions and you love that deep down…
    🤗🤗🤗🌹🌹🌹

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You are so brave Margit. It is not easy to leave everything behind even when you are not a material person. How you managed to put everything in one single suitcase is impressive. Plus, your journey has a lot of challenges ahead and not being in your own four walls with no possibility for some time alone which would terrify me BTW is probably the easiest one. I do hear you my friend and I feel for you as I know this is not a fun road trip you are about to do. But I also know that you will get through this. Stay strong my dear friend. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I can easily picture you in the plane. It feels that I am right there with you flying into the sardine cans that we now call airplanes. This situation alone is difficult at the best of times… Add to the equation the fact that you have right now a lot on your mind and I can imagine how tough it is for you at the moment. Hang in there my friend. Like you said It shall past. Big hug. xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hope that you got to your aunt’s place without any problem and that you could rest a little dear friend. I’m thinking of you. I know you are a strong lady and you will get through this. But don’t forget about you own health, ok? xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Safe travels my friend, and welcome back to Franken once you are here. I wish you so much a good settling in, whatever awaits you. But you are strong and I know it will work out, as you always seem to find a good spirit to guide you. Hopefully we finally find a chance to meet, although initially I will cross the Big Ocean into the other direction once more. But I trust we will make it happen when I’m back! Hugs of Strength!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s a sad yet hopeful post. Your situation reminded me of this wise quote attributed to many including C S Lewis: “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Hope you can have a happy/satisfactory ending to your journey ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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