Posted in Journey, Life

A day of “lasts”

It was a record weekend for sure. I packed for my trip to Germany in 1 day and 5 hours. Totally unheard of for me, as I usually pack way ahead of time and have everything with me, shy of the kitchen sink. White wizard, if you are reading this, we had this conversation before, and today I’m drawing comfort during my struggles, remembering your words.

20 Kilos, 44 pounds of my life filled the only suitcase that would be checked for an indefinite amount of time. A one way ticket with no return date, while the responsibilities here won’t stop or care to take a break due to no further income.

It felt like a day of “lasts”, and I stayed in bed well beyond an hour after waking up. It would be the last time I was sleeping in my bed, and no matter how comfortable I was trying to get last night, soaking up every moment, the fact was that I was freezing and couldn’t fall asleep. Nerves I’m sure and mental as well as physical exhaustion. But this morning was special as I watched the light flood the room through my cracked shades. The world was still mostly quiet. I love the warmth and the feeling it brings starting out my day. I took it all in and I wanted to remember the look and feel.

The last breakfast at home was followed by the last shower and it all sounds so dramatic. Still I couldn’t shake the feeling. I was able to drop off a little something in town and say a few more “Talk to you soon” (goodbyes are too hard of a word), while later spending time with Luna. In an hour and a half I will start my journey towards San Francisco to beat the snowy pass tonight. One last day at the ocean and Tuesday morning the long haul to Germany will begin.

My family has gone through extensive planning and preparations for my arrival. A room is ready for me at my aunts house (Mom’s Sister) and is waiting for me to inhabit. I’m very grateful for the help and for everything, but it will be a huge learning curve for me on top of everything. I can’t even remember the last time I had to depend on anyone, and I’ve been on my own, all of my life it seems. I don’t know how else to be and I’m used to transportation, WiFi, being able to blog, cooking my own food and having my own four walls. None of that will be there and I have to adapt. I’m used to my stuff even though I said it before that I’m not a materialistic person. Essentials are still essentials, and 20 kilos may not completely cover it. It all sounds selfish and it’s a huge transition for me. I know it is necessary and the right thing to do, but it’s hard. I know I worry about things I shouldn’t right now and just get there. I will, it’s just a huge adjustment as my life as I know it stops abruptly. Hardly anything about this is about me, although there are benefits attached to me as well. Not that this is the reason as to why I’m going. I have to be there, solely for Mom, to offer support and help where I can, and where she will allow me to do so. My benefits are that I’m doing what I can to eliminate later regrets and to mend the guilt, I have carried all these years. I have to come to terms with both of our struggles and I have to try at least. Life can no longer exist by avoiding responsibility and while carrying the blame and guilt.

Author:

We are the co-creators of our life and the time is now. More than ever are we needed to support Mother Earth and each other. Together we discover and explore our unique gifts in times of strengths, in times we lean on each other, and in times when we learn from each other. This blog started as an outlet and what I ultimately called my “Warriors Journey.” It was a way to document the ups and downs of my life, sharing my hardships as well as my successes. It showcased the struggles, but more important the ways of how to overcome them. Although we are warriors each and every day, I realized that having to be a warrior, comes from a place of pain. I decided to rename this blog, and “Phoenix Rising” now stands for the story of overcoming such a painful place. My motivation for this blog hasn’t changed and I hope to share inspiration and hope, to create a sense of belonging, a space of being heard, and connecting with like minded beings who instill a sense of oneness. We are never alone, and we are unstoppable in the pursuit of what sets our soul on fire. Who I am in a nutshell... 
I am an energy healer and Reiki Master. I am surviving a chronic disease that I’ve sent into remission three times since my initial bout, 15 years ago. I continuously challenge the status quo and by doing so I change my stars. I am a believer that anything is possible. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that true love exists on various levels. I am an optimist that will always see the glass as half full. I am a dreamer, believing in endless possibilities. Not even the sky is the limit. I have jumped off of the hamster wheel, and I am writing a new chapter. I am chasing my Nirvana to support my most authentic self. This is my story, I am that Phoenix and I am rising from the ashes. Namaste 🙏🏼💙🦋

28 thoughts on “A day of “lasts”

  1. It’s sad when something is felt for the last time but it’s not as if you’re going to die ! It’s just a new beginning and i can assure you that there are people who dream about a new beginning but they’re stuck where they are.

    Be grateful for what you’re able to do and have. What if you had to go but with no one waiting for you? What if you didn’t have mother ? I think that you’re too pesimistic

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Can’t agree with you on that one dear. It was just a fact on how I felt at the moment. I’m an optimist, always believing in the potential of everything, even throughout the challenges such as this. Having a mother can mean various things other than just being related through blood. Unfortunately Mom and I never had a mother daughter relationship and me coming home for her is based on it being my duty and obligation. It’s not enough for me and I always wanted more than that. I hoped and chased that all of my life and it definitely was not because I’m a pessimist. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s an epic moment… you are a romantic at soul, I understand your attachment to these things and to this “era” coming to an end (plus… you never know if there won’t be a second episode…)…and it’s a huge change and challenge… but all this is also rich in emotions and you love that deep down…
    🤗🤗🤗🌹🌹🌹

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You are so brave Margit. It is not easy to leave everything behind even when you are not a material person. How you managed to put everything in one single suitcase is impressive. Plus, your journey has a lot of challenges ahead and not being in your own four walls with no possibility for some time alone which would terrify me BTW is probably the easiest one. I do hear you my friend and I feel for you as I know this is not a fun road trip you are about to do. But I also know that you will get through this. Stay strong my dear friend. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I can easily picture you in the plane. It feels that I am right there with you flying into the sardine cans that we now call airplanes. This situation alone is difficult at the best of times… Add to the equation the fact that you have right now a lot on your mind and I can imagine how tough it is for you at the moment. Hang in there my friend. Like you said It shall past. Big hug. xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hope that you got to your aunt’s place without any problem and that you could rest a little dear friend. I’m thinking of you. I know you are a strong lady and you will get through this. But don’t forget about you own health, ok? xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Safe travels my friend, and welcome back to Franken once you are here. I wish you so much a good settling in, whatever awaits you. But you are strong and I know it will work out, as you always seem to find a good spirit to guide you. Hopefully we finally find a chance to meet, although initially I will cross the Big Ocean into the other direction once more. But I trust we will make it happen when I’m back! Hugs of Strength!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s a sad yet hopeful post. Your situation reminded me of this wise quote attributed to many including C S Lewis: “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Hope you can have a happy/satisfactory ending to your journey ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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