It was a record weekend for sure. I packed for my trip to Germany in 1 day and 5 hours. Totally unheard of for me, as I usually pack way ahead of time and have everything with me, shy of the kitchen sink. White wizard, if you are reading this, we had this conversation before, and today I’m drawing comfort during my struggles, remembering your words.
20 Kilos, 44 pounds of my life filled the only suitcase that would be checked for an indefinite amount of time. A one way ticket with no return date, while the responsibilities here won’t stop or care to take a break due to no further income.
It felt like a day of “lasts”, and I stayed in bed well beyond an hour after waking up. It would be the last time I was sleeping in my bed, and no matter how comfortable I was trying to get last night, soaking up every moment, the fact was that I was freezing and couldn’t fall asleep. Nerves I’m sure and mental as well as physical exhaustion. But this morning was special as I watched the light flood the room through my cracked shades. The world was still mostly quiet. I love the warmth and the feeling it brings starting out my day. I took it all in and I wanted to remember the look and feel.
The last breakfast at home was followed by the last shower and it all sounds so dramatic. Still I couldn’t shake the feeling. I was able to drop off a little something in town and say a few more “Talk to you soon” (goodbyes are too hard of a word), while later spending time with Luna. In an hour and a half I will start my journey towards San Francisco to beat the snowy pass tonight. One last day at the ocean and Tuesday morning the long haul to Germany will begin.
My family has gone through extensive planning and preparations for my arrival. A room is ready for me at my aunts house (Mom’s Sister) and is waiting for me to inhabit. I’m very grateful for the help and for everything, but it will be a huge learning curve for me on top of everything. I can’t even remember the last time I had to depend on anyone, and I’ve been on my own, all of my life it seems. I don’t know how else to be and I’m used to transportation, WiFi, being able to blog, cooking my own food and having my own four walls. None of that will be there and I have to adapt. I’m used to my stuff even though I said it before that I’m not a materialistic person. Essentials are still essentials, and 20 kilos may not completely cover it. It all sounds selfish and it’s a huge transition for me. I know it is necessary and the right thing to do, but it’s hard. I know I worry about things I shouldn’t right now and just get there. I will, it’s just a huge adjustment as my life as I know it stops abruptly. Hardly anything about this is about me, although there are benefits attached to me as well. Not that this is the reason as to why I’m going. I have to be there, solely for Mom, to offer support and help where I can, and where she will allow me to do so. My benefits are that I’m doing what I can to eliminate later regrets and to mend the guilt, I have carried all these years. I have to come to terms with both of our struggles and I have to try at least. Life can no longer exist by avoiding responsibility and while carrying the blame and guilt.