Posted in Hiking, Life

Throwback

It’s crunch time and I’m finally packing. I leave on Tuesday morning out of San Francisco, but we have to leave tonight in order to make it over the pass. Another round of snow is on the way, and we should be able to make just in the nick of time tonight. These last few weeks have been a hell of a ride and more still lies ahead. Mom is hospitalized again, but left ICU today and is no longer in critical condition. For now. She might still face losing both legs, according to the latest news and based on doctors orders, she can’t come home alone anymore. Tough conversations are ahead of us, and I already know that she won’t agree to a assisted living home. I doubt she will understand that I can’t provide the proper 24/7 hour care she needs to live. I’ve beaten myself up over the past weeks as the news keeps coming and right now I mainly feel numb. I realize that I have to take one day at a time and see what happens. Some things may never come to fruition and there is no sense in driving myself crazy. I have to adapt and roll with the punches right now, doing the best I can, while realizing that most everything is out my control.

It’s a lot right now and I’m sorry that I have been absent. More is yet to come and I will get word out and post whenever an opportunity presents. I will try to make a few more posts until I actually leave and thank you kindly for understanding and for being there. Love you all…💙🦋

Throwback to the Buttermilk’s in California. What a beautiful day it was.

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Author:

Who am I, and why I write. I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I am the one, holding on to the silver lining when the skies are gray. I’m a believer that nothing is coincidence, but that everything has purpose. I’ve made my mistakes, don’t we all, but I see them as growing pains and they are a part of who I am today. I have lost myself in order to find myself, and I still do from time to time, but in a good way. I’m a big child who laughs until my belly hurts when life wants to be serious. Career wise: I’ve been there, done that, and I took “The jump” off the hamster wheel in an effort to change my future. I didn’t land all that soft, but I can say that I’m still proud to have found the courage to do it. Coming full circle, I had it all, and yet I was lonely and had nothing. Today I choose to be a collector of moments and I chase memories, instead of the material stuff. Less is more, and the motto is quality over quantity. You’d be amazed at how freeing it can be. I see myself as a free spirit that believes in an unconventional lifestyle. Somehow I go against the grain most of the times, not to rebel, but because it feels right to stay true to my unique and authentic self. It takes courage, and you often stand alone, but if you dare, you soon realize that it is the only way if you don’t want to lose who you are. Just like most, my past wasn’t easy and I come from a life that didn’t always give me the opportunity to be heard. Few related and even fewer cared to take the time. But that’s the past and it’s history, the future hasn’t happened and the “NOW” is truly all we ever have. In the end we all have a story to tell, and we all seek to be understood. We all yearn to be heard and accepted and still life is hard and our path is full of stumbling blocks. If we can see the lessons in adversity we may realize that the toughest moments are often our greatest teachers. There is a reason for the saying that the stars can’t shine without darkness, and it might be darkness that will show you the light.
It took a series of (un)fortunate events, to learn to glow through the pain, to learn how to dance in the rain. I believe in Magic and wonder, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As an empath this old soul often feels a little too much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today, I am here to tell my story because I believe that it can help others. It is my hope to bring inspiration and strengths to you, while showing you that it can be done. I know you are out there, and I know you are suffering in silence. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and your voice is being heard loud and clear. Hang on and be strong, transformation is yours. 
In light and love....Rhapsody Bohème 💙🦋

22 thoughts on “Throwback

  1. Once again, mom is in the prayer circle. I am a Department Head/Director at an assisted living and one of the hardest things for a resident and family members is the transition and overcoming denial and guilt. Then once they’re acclimated (usually no more than a couple weeks).. they begin to feel safe and cared for. You can also do respite trials for a couple weeks to see if she likes it. Depending on her condition she may also need nursing which is a whole different environment… hope this helps and hope all is well.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Joseph, I think you are right and your advice is much valued. She will most likely need nursing and I will have to assess everything once I get there in a few days. Thank you so much for your input and kind thoughts. You are the best and I appreciate you. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Remember to allow yourself to breathe, dear Rhapsody.

    It is not a mistake of yours, that your Mom is hospitalized again, I could more imagine, because she has a very strong will and not are willing to do much by herself.
    You are on the way to do your best as a great daughter and your Mom can’t demand anymore.
    If your Mom will need care of nurses too, she will need to learn, that you are not a nurse, even if you try to be a great daughter.
    Wish you a good and safe trip, take good care of yourself.
    I will travel in mind with you and send you love in your way ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your words are spoken as if they read my heart and I will do the best that I can. I have to learn that much is out of my control and all I can do is be there for support. It might not be the one she wants but I can’t let her come home and turn my back on her dying. It will be hard but I will have to make the right decision for her if she understands or not. It will be a tough road ahead and I will have to travel it one day at a time.
      Thank you so much Irene. I’m blessed to have you in my life. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow! That is a very tough season you are going through with your Mom!
    You are right though about not being able to take of her 24/7 … guilt can be beneficial, but more often it is debilitating. It’s tricky deciding how to help and or not. My Mom passed away a few years ago at age 90. Up until then she required a fair amount of support so we got her some in-home care etc. I was fine doing her shopping, walking her dog, fixing stuff – but I wouldn’t allow her to guilt me into doing something just to please her. As a result I became rather distanced emotionally to protect myself and also my wife. Well, I hope you are able to come to some satisfactory arrangement.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for sharing this Michael. I fear some similarities will happen for me as well. I’ve carried guilt with me all my life after she told me that I left her behind in Germany and moved to the US. Yet she never expressed prior that it would matter and she is unable to express and communicate feelings. She has in Home care already but it is very limited to maybe an hour a day. We will need to see what happens when I get there. She is still in the hospital and I don’t know a definite about her legs yet. I’m going to do the right thing for her, but also for me as I need closure from the guilt. Time will tell what happens next. Thank you so much, I appreciate your insight to this.

      Liked by 1 person

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