Posted in Chronic illness, Health

Breath of life or kiss of death…

Just before Germany I watched an hour long infomercial about a natural product that was said to aid with rheumatoid arthritis. Natural is my preferred way of going to keep everything in balance with minimum disturbance to other things. Sixty dollars for a month supply, I had nothing to lose but everything to gain. I had never given up and now was a time I needed to believe more than ever. I ran out of options and the pain forced me to explore pretty much anything. This information came during a time when some people suggested that I start smoking opioids and that it would repair whatever was in need of repair. I signed up for the natural sixty dollar supplement that was said to treat RA instead of slapping a band aid on the symptoms. By now, I had taken over a bottle worth of this natural supplement in addition to the occasional steroid. I couldn’t tell what was helping and what was doing what. I only knew that I would prefer a natural approach and even smoking opioids to the hard core drugs that might keep my fingers from deforming, but brought other problems and my organs giving out. I visualized myself dying with perfectly straight fingers but with liver failure from the drugs. I saw the pain in my own eyes and a life that was reduced of all quality. It was in that moment that I decided that I would not contribute to this being my fate. If it would be, then it would be and I would deal with it later, but for right now I had a choice if I wanted to contribute. I choose not to…

It was a lot to take in during a short and very expensive specialist visit and my nurse practitioner prescribed a drug that would prevent the further damage that hadn’t happened within the past eleven years. But just in case it would, I would be prepared. I would have to look inward in the form of X-Rays, how else would I know if, and when damage was to start. Not good enough if you asked me. Let’s recap this, I was going to take hard core drugs to keep at bay the deformations that were not present and haven’t happened throughout my bouts with RA. I was also going to run the risk of ruining my organs for the sake of saving something that could potentially happen. I was going to interfere while trying to control fate. You gain something, you lose something right….the difference was I wasn’t willing to lose, but I couldn’t sever my new found relationship with my nurse practitioner either. Not yet anyways and I let her prescribe the pill version of what would block my symptoms and prevent damage should the disease decide to attack my joints in a new level. I even took a few when I felt that I was in need of a little help, when the joints got achy and when I feared that another flare would appear. Winter was approaching and the more painful period of the seasons was around the corner, although this year, I had battled the symptoms over the entire year and wasn’t blessed with a period of remission. I had lots to think about over the next couple of days to decide where the road would take me. For once I felt like I had an option again, an option I didn’t have as the pain was nagging each day. Now tolerable, I was happy and relieved with the news that I received at my visit. I left the office feeling like a huge burden was lifted and no additional bad news was delivered. There was no cancer as the ultimate culprit, or anything else was coming to the forefront of what I didn’t already know. I knew already that I have RA and no additional blow was delivered. What I didn’t know was the news about not having any joint damage and it was great and amazing news to hear. I was experiencing the natural high and relief of knowing and feeling blessed beyond means. I felt as if I was given another chance at life. Perhaps I could have known years ago, but somehow I still don’t feel that I’m in danger. Call it ignorant bliss, not knowing or whatever you might, there is a calm within me, a knowing that I have some say so in this and that I already know what needs to be done. My symptoms are the cries of my body, and the pain renders me still when I ignore the signs and continue to go on in the same old fashion. I left the office and felt that I was given another chance to listen to myself. I had another chance to get it right and perhaps it wasn’t too late yet. No permanent damage had taken place. Only I would decide when enough was to be enough. Breath of life or kiss of death, one of these days I would have to choose of what was to come next.

To be continued…

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Author:

Who am I, and why I write. I’m a dreamer and I’m not the only one. I am the one holding on to the silver lining when the skies are gray. I’m a believer that nothing is coincidence, but has purpose. I’ve made mistakes, and I see them as a part of who I am today. I have lost myself in order to find myself, and I still do from time to time. In a good way. I’m a big child who laughs until my belly hurts when life wants to be serious. Career wise: I’ve been there, done that, and I took “The jump” off of the hamster wheel to change my future. I didn’t land all that softly, but I still did it. Coming full circle, I had it all, and yet I was lonely and had nothing. Today I choose to be a collector of memories and I chase moments, instead of martial stuff. Less is more, and I prefer quality over quantity. You’d be amazed at how freeing it can be. Talking about free, I see myself as a free spirit that believes in an unconventional lifestyle. I find myself going against the grain most of the times, not to rebel, but because it feels right to stay true to my unique and authentic self. It takes courage, and you often stand alone, but if you find a way, you soon realize that it is the only way to not lose who you are.
My past wasn’t easy and I come from a life that didn’t always give me the opportunity to be heard. Few related and even fewer cared to take the time. But now I believe that the past is history, the future hasn’t happened and the “NOW” is truly all we ever have. In the end I realize that we all have a story to tell, and we all seek to be understood. We all yearn to be heard, to be accepted, and to find our spot in life. We try hard to fit in, some to the point of acting out of character, playing by the rules of what we think society expects of us. Until we wake one day, feeling empty and lost, with our life passing right in front of us. It’s never too late to change your stars, and it was my toughest moments, who turned out to be my greatest teachers.
They say that the stars can’t shine without darkness, and it was darkness who has shown me the light.
It took a series of (un)fortunate events, to learn to glow through the pain, to learn how to dance in the rain. I believe in Magic and wonder, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As an empath this old soul often feels a little too much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today, I am here to tell my story because I believe that it can help others. It is my hope to bring inspiration and strengths to you, while showing you that it can be done. I know you are out there, and I know you are suffering in silence. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and your voice is being heard loud and clear. Hang on and be strong, transformation is yours. 
In light and love....Rhapsody Bohème 💙🦋

18 thoughts on “Breath of life or kiss of death…

    1. Awe thank you Irene, it means so much to me. I do feel that I have developed extremes, just no lasting damage yet and my body has been battling through the challenges. My outlook is positive and what I meant was that I’m grateful to be at a point I still believe I have a few options. I know that not everybody gets this opportunity, or perhaps some don’t see it or take advantage of it and I hope to shed some light with my story and perhaps another choice to consider. I hope you are well and I do wish you all the best in this world. Hugs.
      Stay tuned, I think two more chapters have to follow as soon as I find time to write.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey dear Dragon Keeper, I have not checked into this yet and it’s most interesting to me. I would rather try anything before taking harsh drugs and I will do more research on the subject. Thank you so much for doing this for me. It touches my heart, truly. Hugs xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

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