Posted in Chronic illness, Health

Shaped by pain

Pain shapes a woman into a warrior…

The follow up visit with the specialist was scheduled a few days after my return from Germany. The day was finally here and numerous thoughts about the outcome had tortured my soul. The ego was playing tricks on me and I had to remind myself that 90% of our troubles start with our thoughts. This one could easily get away from me, if I gave in to entertaining and contemplating these thoughts. I would lie if I said that I wasn’t nervous and afraid of what I deemed the final prognosis. Somehow I felt that this one would shed the final light, that it would bare the answers and that years of wondering while a chronic disease was going untreated would emerge from the darkness. I prepared the best I could, expecting the worse, but hoping for the best. It was out of my hands and more than ever, I had to believe, and muster faith. I felt prepared and calm as I was sitting in the small examination room, and I prayed as I was waiting for my nurse practitioner to enter.

The door finally opened and she entered the room saying hi. I immediately tried to scan her verbal and non verbal behavior for any clues, any hints that would prepare me for the words about to come out of her mouth. As if I couldn’t have waited another ten seconds, she was about to tell me and eliminate the guess work, but I tried to detect a vibe to prepare, to have a ten second advantage of what was to come. It was obvious how strong the tension of the unknowing had been, and it came to full realization of how it had developed over all these years and the burden that it brought. I was prepared to hear it, good or bad, it would be my truths and determine what was to come.

She first confirmed that I most definitely have RA and there was no mistaking about it, but we never talked about how wacky the results were. I remembered back to the first time around, when the initial rheumatologist made it a point to emphasize how much higher my results were compared to the normal, acceptable numbers. It was scary and I had no clue what that even meant. I still don’t know what the consequences are. Is there a faster downward spiral, do you have the disease in minor ranges or is it full blown? Was I going to demise much quicker than the next person, I’m not sure of what the prognosis was? I never knew and I still don’t, I don’t know if I need to know.

Next she confirmed that all other levels were within normal range. I didn’t know in detail what was all checked, but again I didn’t need to know. I was relieved and I was ok, what I didn’t know, would bring me no worries. This had been my motto for all these years, ignorant bliss, but I knew it was no longer true and I was here to get answers. This was not going away, not yet anyways and I had to educate myself more. So far, so good and things were moving along.

What came next, seemed to be the biggest surprise of all times as she looked at me with disbelief. The X-Rays of my hands and wrists revealed NO joint damage SO FAR. I’m saying so far because anything can change at any given moment, but it seemed as if it was a miracle to her. For eleven years I had battled this ugly disease and I spoke about the excruciating pains, and the times of remission in my prior post HERE. She could hardly believe it, as I surely should have some sort of damage as a result from this disease. Was I a medical miracle, it sure felt like it from her reaction. The X-Rays revealed no damage and a few little bumps on my pinky fingers were dismissed to inflammation and hardened calcium from the white blood cells trying to repair the joint. They had been there for some time now, getting worse with physical work and at times they were feeling stiff.

Clue number 1: Too much physical work.

Surely it was the onset of my fingers deforming and I thought that the crippling disease was ready to kick it up to the next level. Once again, the ego was spinning a story fit to provide misery without fail, but now I knew the truth about these little bumps and the other thing I know, is that the ego is no friend of ours. The bottom line was that there was no damage and it was the biggest news of the day. Further she discussed treatment options with me and we had arrived at the point of a prescription. Chemically altered drugs that would suppress the symptoms and keep the pain levels at bay. The thing I didn’t want to do the begin with, and the thing that had left me no choice but to seek medical attention in the first place. It was the pain levels that became intolerable and why I went to seek her help. I didn’t know how to function and do my job any longer, but I was feeling pretty good these days and the prednisone had done it’s trick or had it?

To be continued….

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Author:

Who am I, and why I write. I’m a dreamer and I’m not the only one. I am the one holding on to the silver lining when the skies are gray. I’m a believer that nothing is coincidence, but has purpose. I’ve made mistakes, and I see them as a part of who I am today. I have lost myself in order to find myself, and I still do from time to time. In a good way. I’m a big child who laughs until my belly hurts when life wants to be serious. Career wise: I’ve been there, done that, and I took “The jump” off of the hamster wheel to change my future. I didn’t land all that softly, but I still did it. Coming full circle, I had it all, and yet I was lonely and had nothing. Today I choose to be a collector of memories and I chase moments, instead of martial stuff. Less is more, and I prefer quality over quantity. You’d be amazed at how freeing it can be. Talking about free, I see myself as a free spirit that believes in an unconventional lifestyle. I find myself going against the grain most of the times, not to rebel, but because it feels right to stay true to my unique and authentic self. It takes courage, and you often stand alone, but if you find a way, you soon realize that it is the only way to not lose who you are.
My past wasn’t easy and I come from a life that didn’t always give me the opportunity to be heard. Few related and even fewer cared to take the time. But now I believe that the past is history, the future hasn’t happened and the “NOW” is truly all we ever have. In the end I realize that we all have a story to tell, and we all seek to be understood. We all yearn to be heard, to be accepted, and to find our spot in life. We try hard to fit in, some to the point of acting out of character, playing by the rules of what we think society expects of us. Until we wake one day, feeling empty and lost, with our life passing right in front of us. It’s never too late to change your stars, and it was my toughest moments, who turned out to be my greatest teachers.
They say that the stars can’t shine without darkness, and it was darkness who has shown me the light.
It took a series of (un)fortunate events, to learn to glow through the pain, to learn how to dance in the rain. I believe in Magic and wonder, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As an empath this old soul often feels a little too much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today, I am here to tell my story because I believe that it can help others. It is my hope to bring inspiration and strengths to you, while showing you that it can be done. I know you are out there, and I know you are suffering in silence. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and your voice is being heard loud and clear. Hang on and be strong, transformation is yours. 
In light and love....Rhapsody Bohème 💙🦋

30 thoughts on “Shaped by pain

  1. Glad to hear that you are doing well (with no discernible bone/joint issues)! diet, exercise, attitude must help. Or some Logan/X-men factor. Or maybe glucosamine supplements ( apparently farmers and ranchers used this way before it became popular)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much. I think it mainly attitude and I have more work to do when it comes to the diet and exercise part. It’s hard to exercise when you’re in pain already.
      I have tried glucosamine before and still sometimes take it. It helps with a different form of arthritis but little with an overactive immune system that attacks your joints. Still, I feel it can’t hurt any either.
      Thank you for your suggestions and great input.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much dear, I just don’t think we have any other choice. The more upset we get, the more we actually hurt ourselves. Sure there are things I don’t like either, but sometimes we just have to pick our battles and decide if it is worth it.

      Like

    1. Thank you my dear friend. I read a good book called “The power of now”by Eckhart Tolle and he talks about the ego and how it is not our friend. 90% of our troubles start with our thoughts and most issues never ever come to fruition. Control your thoughts and bring awareness to what you are thinking and you hold the demons at bay. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Omg!!! Eckhard Tolle is one of my favorite authors!! How the pain body can lay dormant, but even the slighest content its familiar can revitalize its identity. Being the witness of the thoughts helps bring them to neutrality.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Awe thank you Kris. Just doing what I have to and you’d be amazed of how strong you can be when being strong is all you have left. But then you already know that and look at what you are doing day after day. You are nothing short of a warrior my dear and a great, mighty fine one you are. Glad to share the journey with you

      Liked by 1 person

    1. It truly has its times. Right now it’s better again but too soon to tell what is really working and what is not. The last year was tough since the majority was one giant flare with daily pain and I will see what’s next. Thank you for your support and for sharing. I am determined to live as much of a normal life as possible. Hugs and much love ❤️

      Like

    1. That is truly wonderful and you confirm what I feel is right for me as well. I can’t see sacrificing one in the hopes to fix another. Thank you for your most gracious offer to help. I will email you shortly as soon as I get a moment to breath. Hugs

      Like

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