Posted in Life

Anger Pains

Where do I even begin? I’m working through anger, disbelief, and simply being dumbfounded. No matter how much I’m trying to shrug things off, or not to let things get under my skin, there are more and more w?t?f?moments. It sounds rough, but I can no longer make any sense of what is happening. Twenty minutes must have passed since I sat down to write, but all I’m doing is starring at the blank screen, unsure of how to begin to summoning my thoughts. I’m lost for words and I’m losing the basis and foundation of this whole undertaking and purpose of this visit. I got to see my lifelong girlfriend Angie tonight. She has always been there for me, often being my sounding block, helping me move mountains and collaborating plots for progress with Mom. Each visit brings new worries and drama and I feel bad of how little time we had in past years to just be. To just enjoy each other’s company as best friends, without the drama from my side. Yet you wouldn’t here a single complain from here and she wouldn’t have it any other way. She is a living guardian angel to me and I can’t put into words the meaning she brings to my life. She opened the door and it was wonderful to see her, we hugged. Tightly, I was clinging onto her for a long time it seemed, feeling her wanting to let go and me pulling her even closer. The tension from the passed days left my body through tears, unannounced and without warning. “Oh my God that bad” was all she could say, understanding that yet another battle was to be fought during this visit. 

Times have been tough here and Mom is not able to let go of her anger and bitterness she holds towards me. The tension is due to me leaving her behind as she calls my departure to a different country. It has built over the years and gets stronger the longer I’m away. There has been no resolve for many years and I feel that I’m close to reaching a breaking point. Again I am thinking back to my Rock Bottom oracle card and the meaning of not being able to go on in the same fashion I have been. I have tried over and over to make peace with Mom, but I’m beginning to believe that nothing will ever change the disgust she feels for me. Even if I was to return, I can’t picture that she would forgive me for the years passed. It’s obvious that she thinks that no good daughter, mind you an only daughter would do such a thing and leave her mother behind. I don’t know how to fix things with her and maybe this is not what this trip was meant to be. Maybe it is to realize that things are beyond the point of fixing. She thinks that I’m responsible for her life, the house and her care and this is where my place is, regardless of my own life and situation. Her anger and withdrawal of all love is my punishment and her way of paying back the pain I have caused her by leaving. I never knew she wanted me to stay and feelings are taboo with Mom. The one thing I ever wanted, a Mother / Daughter relationship is withheld from me and out of reach. 

It was interesting to cook a meal today and it’s obvious that I can’t do anything right. I wonder how I survived on my own for so long. It’s been a week of truths and revelations, aha-moments and realizations, and I have learned a lot. I’m still chasing a ghost, a mothers love that was never meant for me. Angie asked me how many more years I’m willing to let this continue and allow the psychological stress to ruin my health. I don’t know and I’m not even sure if it’s in my control just yet. From my end, the Daughter / Mother bond is strong and was always something I hoped to have and strengthen. Regardless the mean things she has said to me during the short time of being here, there are definitely moments I despise her, but the anger never lasts. Maybe just like her, my love for her will once be replaced with feelings similar as the ones she holds for me. I’m not there yet and in the meantime I remain a puppet for the whipping of Mom’s moods and how she sees fit of treating me. 

This week’s insights were rough but tomorrow is another day….
I have learned that my life was given to me, but was never meant to be my own. I challenge that and it is perhaps the very problem. 

I have learned that even if I was here, there is no help that can be given as long as no help is accepted. There has to be realization that there is a need. 

I have learned that bitterness, disgust and disrespect for me runs deeper than any shred of love ever has. It has been replaced and I’m not worthy of anything else in her eyes. 

I have learned that a Mother/Daughter relationship will remain to be an elusive dream and that it will take a miracle for anything more. 

I have learned that I’m stupid, too dumb, that I know nothing and that I will never amount to anything. Of course I do know better, but I don’t have to prove it. Even though my mother, she is ONE person who believes such shitty thing and she is the minority.
Angie’s heart bleeds for me as she tries to understand where I find the strengths to endure the punishment. Besides that I have also learned something without the directness from my mom despite her influence for such. 

I have a breaking point and eventually the day might come that I will stay away as she will have pushed me once too many times. All hope will have vanished and the “stupid” shroud will lift to reveal with clarity that I can no longer chase after what’s not meant to be. If hate and disgust is all she feels for me, I don’t see how this will continue. Perhaps it would be much better to stay out of her life and save her the disappointment, disgrace and shame. 

I know it’s the anger talking but I had to get it off of my chest as I do not want to carry this energy around with me. 

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Author:

Who am I, and why I write. I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I am the one, holding on to the silver lining when the skies are gray. I’m a believer that nothing is coincidence, but that everything has purpose. I’ve made my mistakes, don’t we all, but I see them as growing pains and they are a part of who I am today. I have lost myself in order to find myself, and I still do from time to time, but in a good way. I’m a big child who laughs until my belly hurts when life wants to be serious. Career wise: I’ve been there, done that, and I took “The jump” off the hamster wheel in an effort to change my future. I didn’t land all that soft, but I can say that I’m still proud to have found the courage to do it. Coming full circle, I had it all, and yet I was lonely and had nothing. Today I choose to be a collector of moments and I chase memories, instead of the material stuff. Less is more, and the motto is quality over quantity. You’d be amazed at how freeing it can be. I see myself as a free spirit that believes in an unconventional lifestyle. Somehow I go against the grain most of the times, not to rebel, but because it feels right to stay true to my unique and authentic self. It takes courage, and you often stand alone, but if you dare, you soon realize that it is the only way if you don’t want to lose who you are. Just like most, my past wasn’t easy and I come from a life that didn’t always give me the opportunity to be heard. Few related and even fewer cared to take the time. But that’s the past and it’s history, the future hasn’t happened and the “NOW” is truly all we ever have. In the end we all have a story to tell, and we all seek to be understood. We all yearn to be heard and accepted and still life is hard and our path is full of stumbling blocks. If we can see the lessons in adversity we may realize that the toughest moments are often our greatest teachers. There is a reason for the saying that the stars can’t shine without darkness, and it might be darkness that will show you the light.
It took a series of (un)fortunate events, to learn to glow through the pain, to learn how to dance in the rain. I believe in Magic and wonder, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As an empath this old soul often feels a little too much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today, I am here to tell my story because I believe that it can help others. It is my hope to bring inspiration and strengths to you, while showing you that it can be done. I know you are out there, and I know you are suffering in silence. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and your voice is being heard loud and clear. Hang on and be strong, transformation is yours. 
In light and love....Rhapsody Bohème 💙🦋

14 thoughts on “Anger Pains

  1. I was never close with my mother, even though I wanted her love so much! I was the only girl in my family of four brothers but yet she loved them more. I really feel bad for you, for you do not deserve that from your mother. She should feel blessed to have a daughter like you. You needed to live your life, without feeling guilty of the way your mom feels. Hopefully, things will change.

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    1. Thank you so much, your words touch my soul but I hold no grudges towards her. It is hard no doubt but I know that her behavior is caused through pain and I have to forgive no matter how much it hurts. I am lucky to realize this and having been through my own personal growth that has allowed me to rise above this behavior. Mom is a prime example that not everybody is that lucky and all that remains is the hurt that she never made that jump.

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  2. I’m deeply sorry that your hopes weren’t fulfilled, my friend. We are all wired to satisfy our surroundings, family, friends, work, etc…. But we all can do only so much. Whatever happened in the past can’t be changed anyway, however it happened, whoever’s fault it was. We can only try to mitigate as much as possible, with all our heart and soul. If we feel we’ve done all we could, in the here and now, and still lack the results, then it might be time to move on. Because we will never change the past. Sometimes we need to pick up our bundle and head out on our own, taking care only of ourselves, following our instincts. Hugs!

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  3. I am so sorry, sweet Fairy Sister! Know I am sending positive energy your way. You know I lived a similar situation and understand what you are going through. I am here, always. 💚. Hugs to you! 🍁🦋💚

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  4. I hear you. To some extent, the disappointment and wound will never truly fade…
    I left home at 18, emigrated alone to Australia at 20, and didn’t see my Mum back in the UK for 8 years. Now I’m aged 51, and know we will still never be as close as she is with my younger brother, even though I make waaaay more effort to be in contact with her than he does. Occasionally, I feel wistful when I see a grown up Mum and daughter walking together, or shopping, or taking care of young kids together (we never did that, and she doesn’t like kids anyway). Therapy has really helped me let go of wanting it to be any other way: I did the best I could, and so did she, and the past is the past. Having close older women friends helps the wound. And my therapist is like a wise ‘Aunty’. But yes, it’s never easy. And it IS a relief when the trigger becomes less sensitive and raw. I send wishes for peace xO
    I did do a short post recently about visiting Mum in the UK here, responding to that ‘longing’ feeling you articulate too: https://boneandsilver.com/2017/09/10/mother-and-daughter-out-for-a-walk/

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  5. I had wished for my mother to love me The way she loved my brothers. I was the only girl in the family, she never told me that she loved me. Hopefully your mom will let go of all the negative she has in her soul. I hope for the best for you, you deserve the best!

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    1. I’m sorry you had to experience this and that there was favoritism. I’m an only child but I can only imagine what this must feel like. I’m currently witness to another beautiful soul, a coworker who is experiencing this and my heart hurts for her. I wish you the best my dear and I’m sorry I didn’t get to respond to this earlier. I lost a lot of your comments for unknown reasons and this is frustrating to me. You can always contact me at Rhapsodyboheme@yahoo.com if you need me for anything. Many hugs and best wishes. xo

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  6. This nearly made me cry! I 100% understand how you feel. I’ve been going through similar thing with my mum ever since my parents divorced. It’s horrible! Its so important to have that bond between mum and daughter and the fact that we know we don’t quite have it can and will pain us for the rest of our lives. Just keep strong! Remember she probably is fighting her own demons too, everyone is hurting deep down xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It appears some comments got lost and I’m happy to recover this one today. I’m sorry for the late response to your words and thank you for your kind feedback. Your words spoke to my heart and I’m sorry that yours has experienced that same pain. It remains very hard but you are right and I know that she is fighting her own demons. I know that she was never that lucky to acknowledge and win the upper hand that I feel I have achieved when it comes to mine. Perhaps it is because she had me and was restricted. I lost two unborn babies and although I never understood why I had to go through this, I also know that it has given me the freedom to do things most people can’t. Perhaps she knows and feels that she made sacrifices for me, to give up on her own dreams and all I did was that I left, moved to the states and left her behind. Hugs xo

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  7. My heart bleeds for you, as well. We are hard-wired to crave parental bonds, and no matter how much you intellectually understand why you can’t have one, getting your heart to match up to that understanding is nearly impossible. I’ve been trying my entire life with my dad. I know it’s useless, but I still try. Or sometimes, I stop trying. No matter…I crave it the same, either way. Sorry, my friend💕

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