Posted in Family, Life

On the “Fence”

Mom and I talked last Wednesday about the upcoming details of my visit. I interrupted her watching a show about the Alps and like myself she’s a lover of the mountains. She seemed a little agitated but also stated that the connection was not the best and that she had trouble understand what I was saying. So the tension could have stemmed from that. We barely got the conversation started as it took a turn for the worse. The turning point was once she found out that I wouldn’t come home to stay. Things got out of hand and ugly, a relapse in the behavior I have come to known from her so well in all the years I have been gone. There it was again, the reminder that she truly never has forgiven me for leaving her behind. It turned into blame, a lecture, disapproval, a difference in opinion and the disagreement between the life my Mother sees fit for me and the life I actually live and see for myself. I understand that she might not always agree with me, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be respectful of each other and try to value the choices we each have made. In the end we have to do what we see right for ourselves as we go about our daily business. I don’t think me Mom ever allowed herself that kind of freedom and her life has always been influenced by what others think or say. I’m the opposite but know that her way is the only thing she knows and she is expecting me to follow the same steps. Therefore disagreements always ends with things that don’t need to be said and I’m always the one to give in and to mend the situation. You know what they say “The smarter one gives in”. Ha, but somehow it’s missing the fun in this case and wasn’t all that hilarious at all. She ended up hanging up on me. Again…not that it would have been the first time she has done this. Such rudeness, as I now joke about it, but there is a point to it and it is how I feel. I was mad at her and disappointed at the same time, I feared that we would waste quality time spent together trying to overcome her stubbornness like we have in the past. She is without a doubt the most stubborn person I know and I say this in the most loving way that I’m glad that I did not inherit any of that. None, not a shred of it, thank goodness. I still don’t see what good comes from fighting, holding grudges and pouting until it is decided that the other one is worthy so we can put the argument aside. Talk about it and get it over with, don’t hold on to it, you may miss a chance to make it right. I had to let off a little steam and put my thoughts into a blog post that is now entirely rewritten, with most of the prior content erased. It bothered me and I made it a point to call her the next morning. We had a better conversation and she understood that it is not that all that easy to just move from one country to another. To dodge the obligations and start a new life at the age where you should think of retirement and slowing down a bit.

In hindsight I know that her feelings got hurt, that her hopes got crushed, that she wants me there even though she struggles to voice it to my face. The second call, the day after made it more obvious that she is worried and needs help. Perhaps it was the first time she showed a more vulnerable side to herself and immediately I sympathized and felt compassion for her. I know that she’s afraid of the things that need attention, things in the house that she can no longer do because of her health and simply due to old age. The cleanliness of it falls into this category I would imagine and she said that somehow water entered into the cellar from prior storms. It’s impossible for her to mop it up and carry the heavy bucket. Finally a civilized conversation and all this was hard to remember during our first conversation when there is absolute no reasoning with her. None of this information surfaced until the second call and after she had a chance to calm herself and get grasp on whatever it was she felt so upset about. In my opinion it could have been avoided, but I know now that the news of a non permanent stay probably brought on all kinds of emotions. She can’t rationalize it and instead has no problems verbalizing what she considers to be my mistakes, blaming me for making the wrong choices. In her mind. 

With a few days past now, it’s almost comical as well as baffling to me that I have learned to accept all the things in my life, good and bad while realizing that all brought lessons and shaped me into the person I am. Apparently my mother has not come to accept the same and it’s hard not to take it as an insult on my character, feeling that she is not ok with how I turned out to be. I’m not sure but there is a good chance that she will let me hear it for the rest of her life. Most likely every time she gets angry at me. What’s even more bizarre is that she has never come to visit me but has a very strong opinion about my life and what is going on. 

But for now all is well again and I will go home in the hopes of finding some solutions to her well being and the future. I hope to build onto the relationship we started to nourish towards each other in 2015 and to become closer in our Mother-Daughter relationship once again.

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Author:

I'm a dreamer and hopeless romantic who believes that there is always a silver lining to everything. Now, inspired by the simple life, I have learned that less is more and that we find magic all around us if we take the time to notice. Life is a journey and a process that is ever changing. We are constantly evolving in the matter of who we are as we align our stars and shed a past no longer in line with our highest self. I don't easily fit conventional norms, not because I'm a rebel, but because of resenting the pull that threatens to take me away from my true beliefs and my unique personal identity. I support the power of "Choice" and the ability for us to be the architects of our own lives. Some of these choices should have something a little wild about them as they form the moments that forever stay edged in our memory and make our hearts beat with wonder. Nobody will remember the ordinary. For myself, I'm a warrior who has fallen many times, who has gone through trails an tribulations and who is no stranger to adversity. After all, my choice remains clear, to get back up and stand stronger than ever. To recognize that it often takes our darkest moments to mold us into who we were meant to be. I have learned to trust the process and stay positive through the challenges. I trust it to be the only way to prevent my heart from hardening and allowing bitterness to creep in. I believe in the power of "NOW" as it is the only moment we truly ever have. The past is gone, unchangeable and the future hasn't happened yet. All we can impact is the current moment. Everything starts with a choice and hopefully with one that has something wild about it and may even scare you to death to execute. DO IT...I promise you won't regret it. This blog is my voice to share my Journey. If I could describe this adventure in short, I would call it "Spiritual awakening" with a yearning for "Freedom" and going after the things that truly matter. To seek a less complicated life that is stripped down from the many obligations and responsibilities that often tie us down. For me it is a life free of rules and regulations, one that allows me to escape the must expectations while jumping off the hamster wheel that is spinning faster all the time. To be on my own time and live each day to the fullest, to make it all slow down by banishing routine and unleashing my creativity/artistic values in an effort to entertain whatever subject comes to mind. And if lucky, to perhaps offer a different view to my readers, one that speaks to your soul vs. the demands of what society might expect. It is one that empowers you to be your unique self and follow the beat of your own drum. I am dreaming big as I trail blaze the path to a new life and becoming a storyteller. I find my inspiration in the little things in life, in Mother Nature and on the trail that provides the adventures and the backdrop for a book someday. My hope is to inspire "Courage" in others who might find themselves on the brink of taking that first step. This blog serves as a foundation for my collection of personal thoughts, opinions and experiences and by no means am I an expert on any topics mentioned. To my readers I would say that the universe connects us by a common thread, we all search and we all have something to say. We don't always have to meet in person to share a strong bond and people enter our path for a reason. Some stay for a short time and serve their purpose, while others teach us a lesson and help us become stronger through experience. And a few special ones remain as the treasures we hold dear over a lifetime and touch our hearts beyond means. In whatever way we are meant to be, I thank you for crossing my path and for stopping by. I hope that I have left you inspired, full of wonder and with a few "Wild Choices" to make....Hugs XO

19 thoughts on “On the “Fence”

    1. Thank you so much Irene. I wonder sometimes if it’s just a different culture and generation. And perhaps I have been away for too long that I cannot relate to any of it anymore. We will see what happens.

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  1. Oh dear, I know that struggle well! For years after my emigration to Australia by myself, my Mum would introduce me to people back home in the UK by saying ‘And this is my daughter, who went to live as far away from me as possible…’ Nice one Mum. No wonder I did that!? Yet deep down, you and I both know our Mums love us more than anything; perhaps they just find it hard to express. Good luck xo

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, it sounds like you know this all too well. I’m sorry you had to experience it for yourself and it is a tough situation for sure. On top of it a strange way to show their love even though just like you said, we do know that they care. Hugs and thank you again. Xo

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  2. There’s not many more painful things than family members not living up to your expectations. I think we are hardwired to crave unconditional support from our parents and it feels so unfair when we don’t get it.

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  3. I’m sorry that you are having to deal with. It isn’t fair or right that she takes out her fear and frustration on you. But it is what it is. I hope the visit goes well and you are able to get some things sorted. She really does need to make the transition to assisted living. I hope that she is able to recognize that.

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    1. Yeah perhaps it is not fair and I think the culture and older generations in Germany are just that way that it is normal for the younger generations, kids to take care of their parents. In her mind, probably the only thing she knows and we shall see what happens. I will have to heavily rely on my girlfriend who does work in a home / assisted living, to help offer a view I can’t give by myself.

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  4. It is hard with our parents sometimes. My mom can turn from stubborn to overly sensitive in the blink of an eye. She’s lucky you are how you are or things could flare up badly. Stay positive!

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  5. Well like I have said before it’s about embracing the struggles… And I know you do this but remember there is lessons about everything that happens in our lives. What them lessons are? Well that is the question you have to ask yourself on the inside of your heart. But I know your strong and that you pul through anything that comes your way.

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