The storm clouds have returned once more with rain and snow in the forecast, but my heart is peaceful today. I’m not naturally a worrier and instead do my best to be that strong warrior I know I am most of the time, but today I am pondering life and have to acknowledge that it has pushed and tugged at me for years now. Urging me to react to the struggle and all the tugging, pulling and pushing can no longer be denied. And why would I want to anyways? I continue to deal with issues that have gone unresolved and who always end in the same dilemma of not knowing what the answers are, or what the right thing is to do here. In some respect it is crystal clear while in other areas the unknown poses a huge shadow. I fear that I will never know and there will always be an element of life unfolding in it’s own way, how it is meant to be. We really have no control over it so I tell myself to eliminate the fear of the unknown but to roll with the punches should they head my way. It’s time to follow through on a decision and then just make the best out of it with all my might. I think my peace lies in that, in following what I already feel needs to be done and I know that I have closed my eyes for far too long. Not many would understand as to why I tolerated so much and while thats ok, I know everything had to be this way in order to move forward without baggage.
So with my heart at peace, why am I writing and thinking about this today? I feel the intensity has stepped up a notch and these changes can no longer be procrastinated. Changes so apparent, no longer quiet and satisfied with the awareness of it, but changes that pull on me and demand actions. It feels like I am standing at the end of the road, a road that has ended abruptly to reveal a cliff. I know that I have reached the end of the line, as far as I can possibly go and I have gone further than most would. I can’t turn around and stay in the familiar for I have been here way too long. It is the familiar, even though bearing some comfort that has become the very thing that is crushing me and choking the life right out of me. I know that the longer I stay, the more and more a little dies inside of me and if I want to live, I have to take the leap and make some radical changes. Changes in several aspects of my life, changes that are necessary to fuel that fire within me and bring back that sparkle in my eye that I miss to see sometimes.
Take a leap of faith I remember a friend saying, you won’t regret it. The words ring loud and clear and more so now that I have arrived at that crossing point. It’s no longer a fork in the road of which direction I must choose. It has taken on a new shape with one path leading into the unknown, dark and scary and the other one ending at that cliff which somehow looks like the death of me and no way of going forward. A path that is coming to an end with a big drop into the abyss of being lost forever should I stay and fall.
I see the affirmations and the signs that urge me to move forward, away from that cliff, and it can be as simple as my spirit buddy the squirrel, reminding me yesterday to lighten my load. To live and to prepare. I interpret that cliff in my vision as the decision, the action that needs to be set in motion. To spread my wings and soar, either full of life or to fall slowly and painfully to my death if I continue in my current spot.
I know it all sounds very serious and intense, but there is no need for worry. I’m just speaking out loud here, entrusting my thoughts to the words and sentences that will lighten my heart and help shed clarity through the process. I am ok and this is not something sudden that life has sprung on me. I think it’s rather incredible how life works and the things it takes for us to notice. How fragile we truly are and how the events and actions of others can influence and tarnish our soul. Altering us in the process that is not always the most favorable and complimenting way. How painful and beautiful life can be while it molds us into the people we are meant to be. “No pain, no gain” could truly be life’s motto as we seem to grow through life shattering events slapping us in the face and pushing us right to the edge of that cliff. It is then and only then that during the times of unfamiliarity that we learn what we are made of, if we have the will and the strength to go on and fight, or if we let the weight of our events crush us down. To die a little more each day, knowingly and in acceptance out of fear of that dark tunnel, resembling the unknown. We each decide for ourselves and we each have to do the best we can at that point.
Do you believe that things happen for a reason? If you are, you might also believe that the people that you encounter on your path and who walk with you are no coincidence either. Everybody has a purpose and people come in and out of our lives all the time. Some are here to stay for a little while and help us through some rough patches, they serve their purpose and soon go on with their own direction. Yet others are here to teach us a few lessons, things that help us determine right from wrong, examples that allow us to decide for ourselves. But if you are lucky enough you will have a few people that touch your heart forever, to leave permanent footprints in your soul and make all the difference in your life. People you might never get to meet in person, the ones that walk the path besides you and are connected in spirit no matter how often you talk.
Consider yourself blessed and always remember to be grateful if those special gifts have found a way into your life. Thank you for being there and for walking besides me……xoxoxo