Mixed relief 

It’s been nearly a week Mom was admitted into the hospital and it has been a waiting game ever since. Tests were performed last Friday and my thoughts are that by today or the middle of the week we know more of what is going on. My mixed relief came last night as my cousin sent me a message over WhatsApp. Mom is doing fine, the tests went well as far as administering them and she made reference to her looking better. Not looking better in the form of that her medical issues are resolved but looking better for the following reason. We came to the conclusion that it is due to her not being home alone, because there is contact with others as somebody is always stopping by or is coming to visit. We believe it is the interaction that is ultimately allowing her to liven up. Too much time alone has become the enemy to a mind that I’m sure is overactive at times and fabricates the stories that are born when you have nothing but time. The ego has a way of taking advantage of those times and it’s seldom a good outcome.

It reminded me of what people have said when I’m home. When there is interaction due to me being around her and the initial phase passes when she has to get used to having a daughter all over again. One that is close by and who is not leaving her to be alone. It is after she opens up by letting me in that she starts to lighten up and allows herself some otherwise much denied fun. It is then that people comment how good she looks and that I do her wonders by being around. Even if she would never tell it to my face, I do know that I bring out the best in her, just like my dad brought out the best in her. And I know that she knows. It is her making a comment under laughter such as “You are just like your Dad” that reminds me that she is not really asking all that much. All she wants is not be alone all the time, to not live her final days without somebody and I can’t blame her. I’m reminded of the strong woman she is and all the years that have passed for her, being alone. I can’t help but feel sad for what life had in store for her and how much struggle it brought. Struggle she had to face alone. 

My mixed relief had a upside as well as the downside last night. Happy for that things are progressing well so far but also by knowing that the outcome may not always be like this and that time is slipping away and I’m far away. Watching from the sidelines of not really being there with my hands tied and limited resources to help. And so it is that I continue being torn between the life I have built here, all that I know and my home and my Mom who needs me to be there.

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10 thoughts on “Mixed relief 

  1. You do look like your mom. The resemblance is quite amazing. You say you act like your dad but your looks, you know where they come from.
    Sometimes I wish I was there for my mom too but I can’t. I have lots to sort out and sometimes she tries to use the guilt card on me. It’s hard. You need to find your way around it. 💙💖

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  2. Hmmm…This is one of those questions that there is no right or wrong answer, unfortunately. I know, for me, after my brother had died, I felt I needed to be home to support my parents. I did everything I could to leave a life I had built and came up to find that it wasn’t needed. It was appreciated, but not needed. Life did some other things that left me feeling, at times that I should have never made the decision to leave the life I had. It’s an unfortunate place to be, and I don’t envy you, my friend. But know, whatever decision you make, it will be the right one and there will be people, like me, to support you and encourage you that you made the right decision. 🙂 ❤

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  3. Well, I wanted to tell you that your mother isn’t alone, and tiger I know that you know what I am talking about here, take your spirit and make her feel it over there. I know that you have the energy inside yourself to do such a thing. And here I go again with the Master stories, but he would tell me to look at the stars and moon and ask the heavens to wrap his arms around his family in Japan. And I always thought again that he was crazy but it wasn’t to many years later that he told me that his family could feel his love from being in the states. I helped Master return to his home for one last visit before his death and let me tell you I never seen him tear up like he did. It was a totally amazing experience for me to see that his soul wasn’t never forgotten in the few family members he had left. And that made me proud of being his student, but more than that I was his family to in the end. Making that happen for him well I can’t say this enough it made me who I am a lot today. Yes, I struggle. But I knew that Master was struggling too at that time of his life as well.

    But getting back to what I am saying to you, use that energy in your soul and just know that she is feeling it. I believe in that after what Master was telling me almost 20 years ago when I was a young man studying under him. I don’t know if this helped, but at least I could try in the end. Being apart from your mother is hard, and I can’t begin to feel that pain your going through at this time, but know this crane is sitting with you in the grass and is there for you to lean on if you need too. Many hugs and many well wishes for your mother as well in her journey. And I believe in the end that you are going to get that wish and see her at some point of her life… Take care my tiger…

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    1. I’m at work right now and can’t get in to too much detail here, but I do believe that she feels my spirit and my energy. It has co e to the point this is not enough anymore, she is nearly 80 years old and needs help in th physical form, but I know what you mean and you know I appreciate your input.
      Thank you. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

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