It’s been nearly a week Mom was admitted into the hospital and it has been a waiting game ever since. Tests were performed last Friday and my thoughts are that by today or the middle of the week we know more of what is going on. My mixed relief came last night as my cousin sent me a message over WhatsApp. Mom is doing fine, the tests went well as far as administering them and she made reference to her looking better. Not looking better in the form of that her medical issues are resolved but looking better for the following reason. We came to the conclusion that it is due to her not being home alone, because there is contact with others as somebody is always stopping by or is coming to visit. We believe it is the interaction that is ultimately allowing her to liven up. Too much time alone has become the enemy to a mind that I’m sure is overactive at times and fabricates the stories that are born when you have nothing but time. The ego has a way of taking advantage of those times and it’s seldom a good outcome.
It reminded me of what people have said when I’m home. When there is interaction due to me being around her and the initial phase passes when she has to get used to having a daughter all over again. One that is close by and who is not leaving her to be alone. It is after she opens up by letting me in that she starts to lighten up and allows herself some otherwise much denied fun. It is then that people comment how good she looks and that I do her wonders by being around. Even if she would never tell it to my face, I do know that I bring out the best in her, just like my dad brought out the best in her. And I know that she knows. It is her making a comment under laughter such as “You are just like your Dad” that reminds me that she is not really asking all that much. All she wants is not be alone all the time, to not live her final days without somebody and I can’t blame her. I’m reminded of the strong woman she is and all the years that have passed for her, being alone. I can’t help but feel sad for what life had in store for her and how much struggle it brought. Struggle she had to face alone.
My mixed relief had a upside as well as the downside last night. Happy for that things are progressing well so far but also by knowing that the outcome may not always be like this and that time is slipping away and I’m far away. Watching from the sidelines of not really being there with my hands tied and limited resources to help. And so it is that I continue being torn between the life I have built here, all that I know and my home and my Mom who needs me to be there.