Hello it’s me….

Something happened last Monday and I am still trying to wrap my mind around. I’m trying to decipher the signs or if I am just reading too much into it. I wonder if there is always a logical explanation? Is there always a Motiv and a reasoning for everything? I received an email from one of cousins in Germany. I believe that it was 1980 (maybe earlier) that I last talked to him. Wolfgang is a few years older than me and life took us into different directions. He moved to Munich Germany in 1980 and got married. I still remember that cool wedding picture of him and his wife on their motorcycle. He was definitely my idol. Later in the 80’s I moved to the states and we never saw each other again. 

Wolfgang is the son of my Dad’s brother. My favorite brother on my dad’s side and he has the same sense of humor my dad had. He likes to laugh, have a good time and has a passion for his motorcycle. He just turned 80 years old and holy cow, he still rides his motorcycle. No secret where I got my passion to ride on two wheels from. Definitely my dad’s side of the family. 

While vacationing in Germany and if I was to visit family, it’s always this particular brother, my uncle I make sure to pay a visit. Sometimes when I get lucky enough he starts to reminisce about his younger years and the memories of my dad. I get quiet and listen to the story as I cling onto every word. My uncle has three sons, my cousins, and I have only seen the youngest since I left Germany. The middle cousin is close to my age and it was him that I would hang out with the most. And then there is Wolfgang the oldest. He was somebody I looked up to in my young years. He carried on the family love for motorcycles and became a photographer, another passion I share with him, plus besides being cool and being a great person, he also looked cool and had that long hair all teenage girls in the 80’s loved. It was always a treat when my uncle and those cousins showed up to family birthdays etc. and there was always a great time to be had. In hindsight and in regards to my uncle, I think that I must have looked at him in a way of taking over a fathers role with me. He was the closest example and person in my life to give me a feel of what it would be to have a father. It filled a void, even if it was just temporary and only for a few hours during those special visits. 

I have tried to tell him on a few occasions that he has always been my favorite brother. I wanted him to know what impact he had on my life. I’m not sure if I ever succeeded and if he truly knows. He is a humble person, simple and happy about the little things in life. He is modest and to him all this would be a given and nothing out of the extraordinary. It is pretty special to me as I am not taking these things for granted and stay forever grateful to him. I also told him how sad it is that some of the family isn’t closer and that we, the cousins, lost touch over the years. Several years have passed since I last mentioned this to him and he always agreed. I don’t know how and why the topic came up with his son Wolfgang, but last Monday I received a email from him. Awesome right, a wish come true to reconnect, I should be so excited right? To be honest my reaction was none of the above and I still haven’t responded. 

I’m wondering if it was the nature of how the note was written. Maybe I interpreted it wrong but it struck me on the odd side. Is there really anything to interpret? I’m wondering if I am making something out of nothing, but here is what I know. My uncle gave Wolfgang one of my written letters to read and he says everything (my life) here sounds very exiting and interesting but also somewhat secretive. I get it and they only get a very tiny glimpse of my day to day life, I’m sure there is a level of curiosity. He gives me a brief description of his current life (which I already knew all of it) and wants to know about my professional and personal life. How is my health, what are my plans for the future and on. It’s rather brief and very inquisitive, and not at all like I thought a attempt to reconnect after nearly 40 years would be. I honestly don’t know what I thought it would be or if I even spent any time considering how and what would transpire if it was ever to happen. And now what, what do I do, write a brief note back that barely even scratches the surface of anything. We are related and it feels as if a stranger has contacted me. I am a very private person and I find myself struggling to respond. You might not think so given that I write a blog about my journey and have been an open book, but everything unfolds at my pace, the way I see fit and feel comfortable with. The requests, demands and direct questions are something else that pry’s into my life in the most personal sense. After all these years of no contact I’m not sure if I’m ready to answer them all. Maybe I need to ponder this a little longer before I do and perhaps I need to look to my animals and the sky to guide me. Thoughts anyone? Help….

My cousin Wolfgang on the left holding his younger brother and me way way way back when. 


17 thoughts on “Hello it’s me….

  1. Bonjour from your sleepless friend in the PNW. I would not interpret too much into it. I also have cousins. Some live in the area, some live all over the planet. Once in a while we reconnect, more by accident than anything planned (since the grandparents passed away and there are no more family reunions). We exchange how the life goes, have a great time talking or writing, then the relationship drifts back up to the clouds, until the next crossing of our paths. Your cousin is only asking what everybody would ask. Just write back what you are willing to share. Be brief as well, just a short update. Maybe it leads to more communication, maybe not. Have a great day!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Marcus. I’m sure you are right and I have other cousins I experience this with and it’s ok. I don’t expect there to be always contact but I think it just took me by surprise after nearly 40 years of nothing. No intro, no mentioning as to why the email now, just very direct.
      Hope you are doing alright my friend and thank you for the advice. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My first question to you would’ve been “what are you afraid of”. But I agree with Streets of N’s reply. Don’t read too much into it. Since its been a number of years, he simply wants to reconnect and catch up.


    1. Probably misunderstandings, false opinions and judgement. Things that happen in life and someone that has been away for a few years (almost 40) might not get from a brief short answer back. But then on the other hand we truly never have control over that and perhaps it has happened a long time ago with their own interpretation.
      I think what I struggled with was the direct manner of the questioning. Nothing like it would be nice to reconnect after all these years or that sort of thing. I just missed that and if present I’m sure I would not feel so run over.
      Thank you for your insight and advice 😉. Have a beautiful day.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I think you are overthinking a little and maybe spending too long in America has made you forget a little about the German directness. I worked for two German companies in my career and they appreciated the short direct contact, becoming annoyed with cultures that were more into chit-chat. I became friends with some of them and realised that behaviour carried through to their personal lives.
    I think you uncle’s attempt at reconnecting is genuine and that short, direct message is normal for him.
    You being a reserved person will not like the approach very much but there is balance to be found.
    I hope in finding middle ground you are able to speak to your family and enjoy tbe reconnection in your own time. 😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Perhaps you are right but I never liked the approach while I lived in Germany either and it doesn’t mean I prefer chit chat. It’s probably one thing I don’t care about my German culture and it’s ok. I’m usually pretty direct myself and don’t sugar coat things. I prefer it that way but if it was me contacting a family member after nearly 40 years my approach probably be a little different and you just can’t pick up where you left off as a teenager as if no time was lost in between. I just would have liked a friendly hello, how have you been, I missed being part of your life, let’s reconnect instead of being bombarded. That’s all….
      I have regular contact with my uncle but it’s my cousin, his son I was talking about.
      Thank you for taking the time to comment ❤. I will write him back soon and see what happens from there. Xoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sorry I got them mixed up. Yes, I think he means it well. If you didn’t like it then, you won’t lime it now. I totally understand it. Reply, don’t pour your heart out but don’t use the completely dry reply. Some middle ground is still my advice. 💖💙

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I wonder what made you write this post, I mean there is a reason that you question what you are questioning for sure here. And I am not judge or jury here, but I am going to be honest I wonder if your feeling his spirit around you lately. You don’t have to die to have spirit transfer energy to you. But just another crazy thought of mine…

    Liked by 1 person

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