Posted in Inspiration, My story

Cleaning the cobwebs

One tiny, huge word (which I might reveal at another time, I’m not ready yet) is driving my motivation right now. This word comes from the doctor’s office yesterday and strangely enough it is a word that wasn’t even spoken. Something was left behind and I saw it, maybe by accident, maybe intentional and somehow in my ironic, weird sense of humor’ what comes to mind is that it was necessary and “It’s just what the doctor ordered” after all. I needed to see it to fuel my motivation, have it turn into desperation, to put forth the changes that need to happen. Even the horoscope mentioned to tap into the current desperation.Yesterday was a big day and in hindsight maybe there was a bit of desperation, scariness for sure as it was life changing to be precise, but mostly because I choose it to be and because I do not want to wait any longer. I choose to do my part and not wait for it to be too late. I have to take charge. I made some changes yesterday and I followed through with a few more today. I’m eating differently and currently I’m experiencing the carb withdrawals of my body not feeling satisfied with all the vegetables. I wish I could crave and love them like pasta. I know it will subside, I have been here before and I need to be here to stay this time around. I took my first “statin” pill last night to jump start the cholesterol attack until my nutrition is catching up enough that I don’t need it because I do not plan on taking them one moment longer then I need to. I’m thinning my blood to let it pump through my veins a bit more effortlessly so my heart doesn’t have to work so hard.

It felt good to be off from work and to have the day mostly to myself. I needed to be productive today, to feel as if I’m moving into the right direction and action a few long avoided….heck, I don’t even know what to call it. Long avoided memories of the past. Long avoided chores. Dealing with reality. I’m not sure, but one such area is my backyard that by now is so overgrown with tumble weeds, it is looking like a jungle. It’s hard work, backbreaking labor to get rid of those pesky bushes with roots so deep, embedded in the hard concrete soil. I remember first moving into this house and wanting to plant some flowers. Forget digging a hole unless you had an ice pick or jackhammer. I never saw soil so hard, but all that recent rain and snow has softened the ground. Although it’s still hard work, it has definitely made it easier.

 


It was after Nikki’s death that I avoided spending time in the backyard. I would see her everywhere and I couldn’t bare it. St. Patrick’s day marks the three year anniversary of her death and this holiday is nothing but a painful memory to me. Needless to say she has been on my mind with the day inching closer. Over those past three years, I have come to the realization that my life changed drastically and the quality of it diminished with her passing. I have never gotten over her not being here but I have to learn to move on somehow. She was my fur baby, my child and so much more to me, some people will never understand such a strong bond to what they consider “just and animal”. Her urn remains seated on the fireplace mantle and until this day I have not managed to place a picture in the wooden box that hold her ashes. She remains deeply tucked away within my heart and I miss her dearly.

Knowing that times are changing, I spent some labor in the backyard today and for sure something might be hurting tomorrow, ha, maybe all of it. By no means did I get done, maybe a third of the way, but I feel good about the progress. I uncovered a dead dove under the brush and it’s still there. I can’t get myself to pick it up while knowing that I have to discard it. I should just bury it for its final resting place and somehow I didn’t think of that earlier. I would have still had to pick it up. Trauma for me with any dead animal and I feel their pain in ways I can’t explain. I saw one spider (yuk) and there were probably many more, but it wasn’t like I was going to keep an eye out for them and you guessed it….they are not my favorites, but at least I found no snake. A plus that I was happy about.

My face was bright red from all the straining once I decided to call it quits and for a brief moment I considered no further exercise, but luckily changed my mind. No pain, no gain, right? I can’t give up already and I just got started with a long way ahead of me. I did 25 minutes of cardio, about 5 songs worth and was glad that I did.

The afternoon snack was freshly squeezed vegetable juice, with a scoop of protein, lime juice and milk. My body thanked me in the form of literally feeling the good enter through my system, something I will do much more off.

Later, I spent some time visiting a few skeletons in my closet and literally threw some stuff away. More needs to follow but at least I’m dedicating time to it. I have started in many ways and this house hasn’t felt like a home for a long time. Just the other day I thought about how ironic it is, how wrong and messed up this mortgage is. The biggest expense each month, it keeps you away having to work soooo hard, only so you can afford living in it. When and how are you living in it when you have to be away all the time to make enough money so you can afford it? Think about it. But I’m merely getting sidetracked and that’s not the only reason as to why this house hasn’t felt like a home.

Other fun fact moments of the day were that I spilled a glass of water all over my front and despite being hot from all the working outside in a tank top, the water was still cold. Second I finally managed to do my laundry in the eve of my second day off. By accident I also washed a kleenax and had a little shredded mess surprise. And apparently two days are not enough, but life is good today and I feel that I have made some progress. 

 

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Author:

I'm a dreamer and hopeless romantic who believes that there is always a silver lining to everything. Now, inspired by the simple life, I have learned that less is more and that we find magic all around us if we take the time to notice. Life is a journey and a process that is ever changing. We are constantly evolving in the matter of who we are as we align our stars and shed a past no longer in line with our highest self. I don't easily fit conventional norms, not because I'm a rebel, but because of resenting the pull that threatens to take me away from my true beliefs and my unique personal identity. I support the power of "Choice" and the ability for us to be the architects of our own lives. Some of these choices should have something a little wild about them as they form the moments that forever stay edged in our memory and make our hearts beat with wonder. Nobody will remember the ordinary. For myself, I'm a warrior who has fallen many times, who has gone through trails an tribulations and who is no stranger to adversity. After all, my choice remains clear, to get back up and stand stronger than ever. To recognize that it often takes our darkest moments to mold us into who we were meant to be. I have learned to trust the process and stay positive through the challenges. I trust it to be the only way to prevent my heart from hardening and allowing bitterness to creep in. I believe in the power of "NOW" as it is the only moment we truly ever have. The past is gone, unchangeable and the future hasn't happened yet. All we can impact is the current moment. Everything starts with a choice and hopefully with one that has something wild about it and may even scare you to death to execute. DO IT...I promise you won't regret it. This blog is my voice to share my Journey. If I could describe this adventure in short, I would call it "Spiritual awakening" with a yearning for "Freedom" and going after the things that truly matter. To seek a less complicated life that is stripped down from the many obligations and responsibilities that often tie us down. For me it is a life free of rules and regulations, one that allows me to escape the must expectations while jumping off the hamster wheel that is spinning faster all the time. To be on my own time and live each day to the fullest, to make it all slow down by banishing routine and unleashing my creativity/artistic values in an effort to entertain whatever subject comes to mind. And if lucky, to perhaps offer a different view to my readers, one that speaks to your soul vs. the demands of what society might expect. It is one that empowers you to be your unique self and follow the beat of your own drum. I am dreaming big as I trail blaze the path to a new life and becoming a storyteller. I find my inspiration in the little things in life, in Mother Nature and on the trail that provides the adventures and the backdrop for a book someday. My hope is to inspire "Courage" in others who might find themselves on the brink of taking that first step. This blog serves as a foundation for my collection of personal thoughts, opinions and experiences and by no means am I an expert on any topics mentioned. To my readers I would say that the universe connects us by a common thread, we all search and we all have something to say. We don't always have to meet in person to share a strong bond and people enter our path for a reason. Some stay for a short time and serve their purpose, while others teach us a lesson and help us become stronger through experience. And a few special ones remain as the treasures we hold dear over a lifetime and touch our hearts beyond means. In whatever way we are meant to be, I thank you for crossing my path and for stopping by. I hope that I have left you inspired, full of wonder and with a few "Wild Choices" to make....Hugs XO

9 thoughts on “Cleaning the cobwebs

  1. That was all very well said, I can only imagine how hard it is to go back to a place even three years after losing someone dog or not. She was gorgeous.

    I hope you are alright and that it’s nothing overly serious the doctor told you, I get the feeling it is. I hope you are going to be alright sending you hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much Colin, it truly means a lot and it was nice to see you stopping by.
      I have some changes to make for at least the questions that were answered, while others remain unknown. I do believe that I can and will change my stars and a positive mind frame will aid me in my quest.
      Much love and hugs to you. I’m at work but will catch up soon. Hug your beautiful little mini you for me. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Funny thing about the house payments. I said the same thing. Im always out working to make payments and I’m not enjoying the house as I should be. I’m thinking of selling it. Glad you’re eating better and exercising and cleaning out the cobwebs as you say. Be well.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I imagine that you will begin to feel better once you start progressing towards the change you need to be making. It is often the starting that is the hardest part. I wish I had better words of consolation or hope – you will make it through. Hugs, dear.

    Liked by 1 person

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