One tiny, huge word (which I might reveal at another time, I’m not ready yet) is driving my motivation right now. This word comes from the doctor’s office yesterday and strangely enough it is a word that wasn’t even spoken. Something was left behind and I saw it, maybe by accident, maybe intentional and somehow in my ironic, weird sense of humor’ what comes to mind is that it was necessary and “It’s just what the doctor ordered” after all. I needed to see it to fuel my motivation, have it turn into desperation, to put forth the changes that need to happen. Even the horoscope mentioned to tap into the current desperation.Yesterday was a big day and in hindsight maybe there was a bit of desperation, scariness for sure as it was life changing to be precise, but mostly because I choose it to be and because I do not want to wait any longer. I choose to do my part and not wait for it to be too late. I have to take charge. I made some changes yesterday and I followed through with a few more today. I’m eating differently and currently I’m experiencing the carb withdrawals of my body not feeling satisfied with all the vegetables. I wish I could crave and love them like pasta. I know it will subside, I have been here before and I need to be here to stay this time around. I took my first “statin” pill last night to jump start the cholesterol attack until my nutrition is catching up enough that I don’t need it because I do not plan on taking them one moment longer then I need to. I’m thinning my blood to let it pump through my veins a bit more effortlessly so my heart doesn’t have to work so hard.
It felt good to be off from work and to have the day mostly to myself. I needed to be productive today, to feel as if I’m moving into the right direction and action a few long avoided….heck, I don’t even know what to call it. Long avoided memories of the past. Long avoided chores. Dealing with reality. I’m not sure, but one such area is my backyard that by now is so overgrown with tumble weeds, it is looking like a jungle. It’s hard work, backbreaking labor to get rid of those pesky bushes with roots so deep, embedded in the hard concrete soil. I remember first moving into this house and wanting to plant some flowers. Forget digging a hole unless you had an ice pick or jackhammer. I never saw soil so hard, but all that recent rain and snow has softened the ground. Although it’s still hard work, it has definitely made it easier.
It was after Nikki’s death that I avoided spending time in the backyard. I would see her everywhere and I couldn’t bare it. St. Patrick’s day marks the three year anniversary of her death and this holiday is nothing but a painful memory to me. Needless to say she has been on my mind with the day inching closer. Over those past three years, I have come to the realization that my life changed drastically and the quality of it diminished with her passing. I have never gotten over her not being here but I have to learn to move on somehow. She was my fur baby, my child and so much more to me, some people will never understand such a strong bond to what they consider “just and animal”. Her urn remains seated on the fireplace mantle and until this day I have not managed to place a picture in the wooden box that hold her ashes. She remains deeply tucked away within my heart and I miss her dearly.
Knowing that times are changing, I spent some labor in the backyard today and for sure something might be hurting tomorrow, ha, maybe all of it. By no means did I get done, maybe a third of the way, but I feel good about the progress. I uncovered a dead dove under the brush and it’s still there. I can’t get myself to pick it up while knowing that I have to discard it. I should just bury it for its final resting place and somehow I didn’t think of that earlier. I would have still had to pick it up. Trauma for me with any dead animal and I feel their pain in ways I can’t explain. I saw one spider (yuk) and there were probably many more, but it wasn’t like I was going to keep an eye out for them and you guessed it….they are not my favorites, but at least I found no snake. A plus that I was happy about.
My face was bright red from all the straining once I decided to call it quits and for a brief moment I considered no further exercise, but luckily changed my mind. No pain, no gain, right? I can’t give up already and I just got started with a long way ahead of me. I did 25 minutes of cardio, about 5 songs worth and was glad that I did.
The afternoon snack was freshly squeezed vegetable juice, with a scoop of protein, lime juice and milk. My body thanked me in the form of literally feeling the good enter through my system, something I will do much more off.
Later, I spent some time visiting a few skeletons in my closet and literally threw some stuff away. More needs to follow but at least I’m dedicating time to it. I have started in many ways and this house hasn’t felt like a home for a long time. Just the other day I thought about how ironic it is, how wrong and messed up this mortgage is. The biggest expense each month, it keeps you away having to work soooo hard, only so you can afford living in it. When and how are you living in it when you have to be away all the time to make enough money so you can afford it? Think about it. But I’m merely getting sidetracked and that’s not the only reason as to why this house hasn’t felt like a home.
Other fun fact moments of the day were that I spilled a glass of water all over my front and despite being hot from all the working outside in a tank top, the water was still cold. Second I finally managed to do my laundry in the eve of my second day off. By accident I also washed a kleenax and had a little shredded mess surprise. And apparently two days are not enough, but life is good today and I feel that I have made some progress.