Posted in My story

Forgiveness & Redemption

I ventured out for a little drive to Frenchman’s Lake today. After some long overdue Face-Time with my cousin in Germany, we talked mainly about my Mom. About her condition, general observations and concerns, fears and thoughts, it all came to the surface and I poured my heart out. It wasn’t until after our conversation that a few pieces hiding in the shadows, perhaps for years, came out into the light. More and more I realize that the stress, the guilt and the worries will always be a part of me until my mind is completely made up, until the day that I put what needs to be done into full throttle action and until I make things right. I shall not have peace before it. I know that there is no time to be wasted, that I lost valuable years already and that there is no room for procrastination. I know that I have to consider myself very lucky if I am to receive this precious gift of being allowed to try, to settle the score and to ultimately make a difference. Or I shall have nothing but regret if this window closes before I get the chance. Or before I take that chance I should say, as the chance is here with every day. I am fully aware.

It’s up to me….

After I was done talking, I was left with my heart tightly clenched in my chest. The feeling of choking about the unknown and the resolution which is still not fully existent and which hangs in the balance of so many things. I had to get out and find a way to breath. While getting myself ready, I was listening to music which is nothing unusual for me given what a big part music plays in my life. Today Pandora was tuned to Ozzy Osborne radio and soon my mind was drifting, making a correlation and linking my mood to the type of music I listen to at any given time. It seems that when I have to be strong and power through tough times, somehow it is always rock and metal that finds it’s way to my playlist. Or if I feel the need for speed and drive too fast. I plead the fifth and blame it on the German in me and the autobahn. Metallica came on, “The unforgiven” and I suddenly knew that this was my struggle all along. Unforgiven for having left Germany.

 

 

I have talked about going home to Germany, for my Mom, to help her and to make things right, to be there while there is still time. I have talked about having to leave my entire life behind to start over, in my home country which I haven’t seen most of my adult life, and then it hit me. It’s not about my Mom or just me, it is for both of us as to why this needs to be done. For her for obvious reasons, her health and age and for me as I remain the  “Unforgiven”. It is forgiveness and redemption that I seek and need to bury the feeling of guilt, to lift the burden and to move on.

It was a chilly 28 degrees, but the sun was shining bright as it was threatening to leave me snow blind with all the snow everywhere. And while there is yet another storm around the corner and it wasn’t the last one after all, today was filled with sunshine to illuminate the darkness within and to hold it at bay.

Author:

Who am I, and why I write. I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I am the one, holding on to the silver lining when the skies are gray. I’m a believer that nothing is coincidence, but that everything has purpose. I’ve made my mistakes, don’t we all, but I see them as growing pains and they are a part of who I am today. I have lost myself in order to find myself, and I still do from time to time, but in a good way. I’m a big child who laughs until my belly hurts when life wants to be serious. Career wise: I’ve been there, done that, and I took “The jump” off the hamster wheel in an effort to change my future. I didn’t land all that soft, but I can say that I’m still proud to have found the courage to do it. Coming full circle, I had it all, and yet I was lonely and had nothing. Today I choose to be a collector of moments and I chase memories, instead of the material stuff. Less is more, and the motto is quality over quantity. You’d be amazed at how freeing it can be. I see myself as a free spirit that believes in an unconventional lifestyle. Somehow I go against the grain most of the times, not to rebel, but because it feels right to stay true to my unique and authentic self. It takes courage, and you often stand alone, but if you dare, you soon realize that it is the only way if you don’t want to lose who you are. Just like most, my past wasn’t easy and I come from a life that didn’t always give me the opportunity to be heard. Few related and even fewer cared to take the time. But that’s the past and it’s history, the future hasn’t happened and the “NOW” is truly all we ever have. In the end we all have a story to tell, and we all seek to be understood. We all yearn to be heard and accepted and still life is hard and our path is full of stumbling blocks. If we can see the lessons in adversity we may realize that the toughest moments are often our greatest teachers. There is a reason for the saying that the stars can’t shine without darkness, and it might be darkness that will show you the light.
It took a series of (un)fortunate events, to learn to glow through the pain, to learn how to dance in the rain. I believe in Magic and wonder, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As an empath this old soul often feels a little too much, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today, I am here to tell my story because I believe that it can help others. It is my hope to bring inspiration and strengths to you, while showing you that it can be done. I know you are out there, and I know you are suffering in silence. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and your voice is being heard loud and clear. Hang on and be strong, transformation is yours. 
In light and love....Rhapsody Bohème 💙🦋

2 thoughts on “Forgiveness & Redemption

  1. You are in such a difficult position Rhapsody. You know that you cannot be all things to anyone. People have to stand on their own, rather than base their entire lives on another. For your mother to place such a heavy burden on you is unfair. But there it sits. Full of obligation and guilt, just daring you to not take it and place it on your shoulders. I hope that she can find a space where both of your needs can be met. Where you can both find joy in your relationship. Hugs.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much my dear friend. Your words almost remind me word for word of what my girlfriend in Germany has told me before. I know there is truths to it and yet I remain torn and in between. It’s been a struggle for years and this is not one that I can say “time will tell”. It hasn’t yet.
      Thank your kind words, you know what they mean to me. Hugs xo

      Liked by 3 people

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