Posted in My story

Forgiveness & Redemption

I ventured out for a little drive to Frenchman’s Lake today. After some long overdue Face-Time with my cousin in Germany, we talked mainly about my Mom. About her condition, general observations and concerns, fears and thoughts, it all came to the surface and I poured my heart out. It wasn’t until after our conversation that a few pieces hiding in the shadows, perhaps for years, came out into the light. More and more I realize that the stress, the guilt and the worries will always be a part of me until my mind is completely made up, until the day that I put what needs to be done into full throttle action and until I make things right. I shall not have peace before it. I know that there is no time to be wasted, that I lost valuable years already and that there is no room for procrastination. I know that I have to consider myself very lucky if I am to receive this precious gift of being allowed to try, to settle the score and to ultimately make a difference. Or I shall have nothing but regret if this window closes before I get the chance. Or before I take that chance I should say, as the chance is here with every day. I am fully aware.

It’s up to me….

After I was done talking, I was left with my heart tightly clenched in my chest. The feeling of choking about the unknown and the resolution which is still not fully existent and which hangs in the balance of so many things. I had to get out and find a way to breath. While getting myself ready, I was listening to music which is nothing unusual for me given what a big part music plays in my life. Today Pandora was tuned to Ozzy Osborne radio and soon my mind was drifting, making a correlation and linking my mood to the type of music I listen to at any given time. It seems that when I have to be strong and power through tough times, somehow it is always rock and metal that finds it’s way to my playlist. Or if I feel the need for speed and drive too fast. I plead the fifth and blame it on the German in me and the autobahn. Metallica came on, “The unforgiven” and I suddenly knew that this was my struggle all along. Unforgiven for having left Germany.

 

 

I have talked about going home to Germany, for my Mom, to help her and to make things right, to be there while there is still time. I have talked about having to leave my entire life behind to start over, in my home country which I haven’t seen most of my adult life, and then it hit me. It’s not about my Mom or just me, it is for both of us as to why this needs to be done. For her for obvious reasons, her health and age and for me as I remain the  “Unforgiven”. It is forgiveness and redemption that I seek and need to bury the feeling of guilt, to lift the burden and to move on.

It was a chilly 28 degrees, but the sun was shining bright as it was threatening to leave me snow blind with all the snow everywhere. And while there is yet another storm around the corner and it wasn’t the last one after all, today was filled with sunshine to illuminate the darkness within and to hold it at bay.

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Author:

I'm a dreamer and hopeless romantic who believes that there is always a silver lining to everything. Now, inspired by the simple life, I have learned that less is more and that we find magic all around us if we take the time to notice. Life is a journey and a process that is ever changing. We are constantly evolving in the matter of who we are as we align our stars and shed a past no longer in line with our highest self. I don't easily fit conventional norms, not because I'm a rebel, but because of resenting the pull that threatens to take me away from my true beliefs and my unique personal identity. I support the power of "Choice" and the ability for us to be the architects of our own lives. Some of these choices should have something a little wild about them as they form the moments that forever stay edged in our memory and make our hearts beat with wonder. Nobody will remember the ordinary. For myself, I'm a warrior who has fallen many times, who has gone through trails an tribulations and who is no stranger to adversity. After all, my choice remains clear, to get back up and stand stronger than ever. To recognize that it often takes our darkest moments to mold us into who we were meant to be. I have learned to trust the process and stay positive through the challenges. I trust it to be the only way to prevent my heart from hardening and allowing bitterness to creep in. I believe in the power of "NOW" as it is the only moment we truly ever have. The past is gone, unchangeable and the future hasn't happened yet. All we can impact is the current moment. Everything starts with a choice and hopefully with one that has something wild about it and may even scare you to death to execute. DO IT...I promise you won't regret it. This blog is my voice to share my Journey. If I could describe this adventure in short, I would call it "Spiritual awakening" with a yearning for "Freedom" and going after the things that truly matter. To seek a less complicated life that is stripped down from the many obligations and responsibilities that often tie us down. For me it is a life free of rules and regulations, one that allows me to escape the must expectations while jumping off the hamster wheel that is spinning faster all the time. To be on my own time and live each day to the fullest, to make it all slow down by banishing routine and unleashing my creativity/artistic values in an effort to entertain whatever subject comes to mind. And if lucky, to perhaps offer a different view to my readers, one that speaks to your soul vs. the demands of what society might expect. It is one that empowers you to be your unique self and follow the beat of your own drum. I am dreaming big as I trail blaze the path to a new life and becoming a storyteller. I find my inspiration in the little things in life, in Mother Nature and on the trail that provides the adventures and the backdrop for a book someday. My hope is to inspire "Courage" in others who might find themselves on the brink of taking that first step. This blog serves as a foundation for my collection of personal thoughts, opinions and experiences and by no means am I an expert on any topics mentioned. To my readers I would say that the universe connects us by a common thread, we all search and we all have something to say. We don't always have to meet in person to share a strong bond and people enter our path for a reason. Some stay for a short time and serve their purpose, while others teach us a lesson and help us become stronger through experience. And a few special ones remain as the treasures we hold dear over a lifetime and touch our hearts beyond means. In whatever way we are meant to be, I thank you for crossing my path and for stopping by. I hope that I have left you inspired, full of wonder and with a few "Wild Choices" to make....Hugs XO

2 thoughts on “Forgiveness & Redemption

  1. You are in such a difficult position Rhapsody. You know that you cannot be all things to anyone. People have to stand on their own, rather than base their entire lives on another. For your mother to place such a heavy burden on you is unfair. But there it sits. Full of obligation and guilt, just daring you to not take it and place it on your shoulders. I hope that she can find a space where both of your needs can be met. Where you can both find joy in your relationship. Hugs.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much my dear friend. Your words almost remind me word for word of what my girlfriend in Germany has told me before. I know there is truths to it and yet I remain torn and in between. It’s been a struggle for years and this is not one that I can say “time will tell”. It hasn’t yet.
      Thank your kind words, you know what they mean to me. Hugs xo

      Liked by 3 people

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