I ventured out for a little drive to Frenchman’s Lake today. After some long overdue Face-Time with my cousin in Germany, we talked mainly about my Mom. About her condition, general observations and concerns, fears and thoughts, it all came to the surface and I poured my heart out. It wasn’t until after our conversation that a few pieces hiding in the shadows, perhaps for years, came out into the light. More and more I realize that the stress, the guilt and the worries will always be a part of me until my mind is completely made up, until the day that I put what needs to be done into full throttle action and until I make things right. I shall not have peace before it. I know that there is no time to be wasted, that I lost valuable years already and that there is no room for procrastination. I know that I have to consider myself very lucky if I am to receive this precious gift of being allowed to try, to settle the score and to ultimately make a difference. Or I shall have nothing but regret if this window closes before I get the chance. Or before I take that chance I should say, as the chance is here with every day. I am fully aware.
It’s up to me….
After I was done talking, I was left with my heart tightly clenched in my chest. The feeling of choking about the unknown and the resolution which is still not fully existent and which hangs in the balance of so many things. I had to get out and find a way to breath. While getting myself ready, I was listening to music which is nothing unusual for me given what a big part music plays in my life. Today Pandora was tuned to Ozzy Osborne radio and soon my mind was drifting, making a correlation and linking my mood to the type of music I listen to at any given time. It seems that when I have to be strong and power through tough times, somehow it is always rock and metal that finds it’s way to my playlist. Or if I feel the need for speed and drive too fast. I plead the fifth and blame it on the German in me and the autobahn. Metallica came on, “The unforgiven” and I suddenly knew that this was my struggle all along. Unforgiven for having left Germany.
I have talked about going home to Germany, for my Mom, to help her and to make things right, to be there while there is still time. I have talked about having to leave my entire life behind to start over, in my home country which I haven’t seen most of my adult life, and then it hit me. It’s not about my Mom or just me, it is for both of us as to why this needs to be done. For her for obvious reasons, her health and age and for me as I remain the “Unforgiven”. It is forgiveness and redemption that I seek and need to bury the feeling of guilt, to lift the burden and to move on.
It was a chilly 28 degrees, but the sun was shining bright as it was threatening to leave me snow blind with all the snow everywhere. And while there is yet another storm around the corner and it wasn’t the last one after all, today was filled with sunshine to illuminate the darkness within and to hold it at bay.