My paintings titled “She conquered Mountain”
My art is personal and reflects segments (Cantos / Chapters) of my life. Most of these paintings are born out of adversity and struggle. I think it must be the reason as to why they become more than just a simple piece of art to me. There is emotional attachment as I can look at these pieces and feel the emotions that drove the process. There are a few that probably shouldn’t be relived, but I accept them as a part of the process, my growth in becoming who I am today.
I talked to my mom yesterday and I was reminded of a major struggle in my life. The struggle of constantly being torn between my home (as I wonder where that might be), my home country Germany, the place I grew up and the place I have lived nearly thirty years and build my entire adult life upon.
Being an only child, I know my Mom needs me to be there and yesterday, once more it became painfully obvious. She was quiet on the phone (at first) and it took awhile to cox her out of her shell, which happened eventually. Every time we said goodbye near the end of the conversation, she found a way to continue our talk almost within that same breath.
After my visit in 2015 we got closer than we had ever been. People complimented her and made comments about how good I was for her well being. She started to live, hopeful, believing that this was the start to something beautiful, something she might had hoped for for a long time, but also something she never expressed and kept hidden deep within her. And she finally laughed which was great for both of our souls. It made here strong in the fight to go on and battle the health issues she is faced with. And perhaps I had peace of mind, some time that I bought myself to put off a future decision of what would be one day.
I could tell today that that glimmer was gone, the light diminished and she was not very hopeful I would ever return back home. It was as if she had given up hope in her mere existence of what can not be described as living the life I would like her to have. Living day by day, in her house and nothing else, no interaction with life outside of it, sleeping a lot, unable to walk good due to a lot of pain in her legs.
And once again it became crystal clear to me that she will never have that life without me. That her life and her happiness depends on me now. Me who has left her behind for so many years, me who has to answer the call in the hopes and the pursuit to make it right in the end. To hopefully be given the chance to add a little sunshine to her life for whatever time remains. To allow her to get to know her estranged daughter that spent most of her life away and to allow myself to get to know what a mother / daughter relationship can be on a closer level. I remain all that she has left in a life that was awefully tough to her and filled with pain and adversity.
But at the moment I can do nothing and I am thousands of miles away.