Last week was my first visit to the dentist in quiet some time. Not so fond memories from my past had kept me away by avoiding the dentist as if it was the plague. Finally, winning the battle in my mind and frankly being tired of procrastinating as I was always coming back to the same old thought of needing to see a dentist, I managed to squeeze into my big girl pants and so I went. It’s not so much that I’m worried about the pain but more so about the sounds emerging from the dentist office. I know, I know, headphones and maybe some “rocking that tooth out” kind of music could be beneficial. With no expectations, no ideas of how everything was going to unfold, I walked into the office. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t nervous, nervous enough to raise my blood pressure, but here I was and there was no turning back now.
Slightly off subject, I have to say that I had taken a huge liking to the “No expectations” kind of policy that I somehow found myself adapting to. Like so many things in life, I couldn’t say exactly when I had started to do so and it happened without feeling a shift through a significant occurrence. Somehow I got tired of driving myself crazy and my mind was adapting to this new way of life to stop interfering. It felt right for me and I liked it immediately once I became aware of what was happening. It allowed things to transpire the way they were meant to be, they would anyways, regardless of what I was thinking. The difference was that I didn’t give the ego permission to drive me insane through the countless thoughts that most likely would never come to fruition. Maybe it is that control thing and wanting to be prepared for every possible situation most humans strive for that causes us to mull things over and over in our minds. Me, on the other hand had reached a point I didn’t care much about that anymore and I don’t know if I truly ever did. Maybe I just never realized before. I was an open book, not afraid to be vulnerable and I simply stopped interfering with my own life. What I mean with that is that life always has a plan for us, whether we like it or not. Whether we understand it or not, I simply choose to embrace everything, good and bad and I stopped resisting and wanting to control the outcome. By saying this, it becomes clear to me that it is probably the only time that I went with the flow of my life, as I often find myself swimming upstream, against the grain and against the crowd and the most popular choice.
Dropping my expectations has helped me avoid disappointments and saved me some headaches. Things always turn out much better than anticipated and may even bring some pleasant surprises if you manage not to drive yourself crazy prior to them. I’m sure my ego could have painted a gruesome picture torturing myself and sending me into anxiety for no reason at all about going to the dentist. And I’m sure it would have loved to entertain the “What if”.
Last week, at the dentist I met some of nicest, most compassionate people as I felt the need to explain as to why I wasn’t particularly thrilled of sitting in the “torture lounger”. Another grim episode my mind could have whipped up if I only let it, but it proved itself that there was no torture at all even though I gripped the lounger a few times. What did happen, was that I immediately felt a connection strong enough to the people and their genuine care, including the experience that would put all my prior not so fond memories to rest.
I could sleep in this morning, it’s my day off….sheer bliss as “My free time” means everything these days. Somehow I managed to stay up until midnight last night, exhausted and all I finally beat the little monster which kept me pinned on the couch and off to bed I went. I woke up at 6AM and decided to turn over and sleep a little more until the phone woke me next. A cancellation at my dentists office for later on today and a new chance for another visit as I need one more tooth extracted. I confirmed that I would be there and I can feel my mind wanting to drift. Hopeful it will go as smooth as it did last week, I will have to remind myself of what I just wrote and what my motto is so I am not a hypocrite unable to practice what I preach. I have to remember last week, how pleasant it was in the most unusual of encounters, while being able to call the dentist office pleasant. My mind naturally wants to wander and there is still the element of the unknown that takes me out of my comfort zone and that makes me worry. Perhaps I’m not quiet there yet and I haven’t laid the past to rest completely, but I’m on my way. I’m here to recognize the horror my ego is trying to instill and by doing so, I am in control and everything will be just fine. Wish me luck anyways hahaha.