I choose love

I wonder what will be left after everything is said and done. As we embark on the final stages of our journey, I’m left with mixed emotions, almost as if I’m punished to feel everything at once. I worked through anger and madness, numbness and a sense of not understanding, a feeling of disbelief and the realization that no matter of how hard I tried, I just can’t relate and I don’t understand your motives. And then there is the other side that wonders why would I even want to understand, haven’t I been proven too many times that this is just how things have progressed? Shouldn’t I stop justifying the behavior and make excuses to talk myself into believing that these actions were not deliberate. My mind knows that I am just fooling myself but my heart still aches knowing that you are a smart man that has taken calculated risks, while being aware of the gamble. I wonder if we will look back some day wondering if it was worth the price. 

Perhaps it was your addictive personality that dragged you down and still somehow you took my doubt away that I’m really that stupid. In the end you taught me that I can no longer look the other way. There is a difference in the point of view that we share, but mostly there is an empty hole that has brought clarity yet sadness about the choices that have transpired. And just maybe there is some relief of finally knowing where our lives will take us in the future, even if it means that we travel into different directions. I feel we have been lost for a very long time and now it’s a matter of adjusting to a future of change and the unknown. To finally give in and accept that we are better off apart. I haven’t made you happy in a very long time and at times I hate the person you bring out in me for it is not me at all. I feel you no longer know who I am at heart and I see a stranger as my foreign behavior emerges to leave me depressed, willing to accept my fate in silence as if I was asking for it, deserving of the bad things happening in my life while putting my happiness last. And once more I cry in silence and feel lost and alone. 

We have been through a lot, from losing a child together that was never born, but who already had captured my heart and was given a name, to secrets, lies and betrayal that followed in later years. In the end I think we faced challenges no marriage can survive and it was a matter of coming to terms. I finally arrived at a point of accepting these developments that are beyond repair, while I have to realize that we lost more on an individual basis vs. celebrating the good times that we got to experience as a couple. Life has changed us over the years, we lost ourselves and were unable to hold on to each other. Instead of pulling closer, helping each other through these tough times, we stopped most communication and drove each other further apart. I don’t think for a moment that this was done intentionally, but it just so happened and I believe you settled into your accepted behavior which made me feel that it was selfish in ways that left me behind to pick up the pieces. To always be the strong one with a backup plan to help us survive. Not really such a bad thing, but there were complications that impacted this in a negative way. I didn’t feel they were accidents and I lost some of my dreams throughout it and you have perhaps as well. We were best friends that couldn’t imagine a life without the other one. I always looked up to the man you were, proud to be your wife. And now here we are 22Years, 5Month & 0Days later…at the end. I feel no blame is to be passed, no arguments and fights that need to be fought as all that remains is an outcome that for the longest time I didn’t want to foresee. 

I can say with certainty that we surely tried to build a life together. I just can’t say that we always gave it our best shot. There was a time we defied all odds, the opinions of others and we never knew a bad word for each other. We never fought or argued and today I feel sadness because I can’t explain where we lost that feeling. I remember once upon a time when we thought that we had it all, once upon a time now come and gone. Our love was based on friendship and it was your personality I fell in love with first, your gentle nature and your caring ways. You had a special gift to always make me feel supported and beautiful. Now I don’t know anymore when the last time was that you had my hearts best interest in mind. 

I’m no longer sure if we will ever know what truly happened but I know that we have tried to understand for the past 12 years. I am not any smarter through it all and I feel no need to hash out the flaws in order to pass the blame. In my eyes there are no winners emerging here but I will fight if I have to. I don’t care to carry the title of being right as it would just further degrade each other and I feel no need of making a point. What we once shared was reduced to nothing and the trust, friendship, partnership and love we once cherished so much has vanished into thin air. Today, we share a different vision about true love and I can no longer go on and pretend that these values don’t matter. You know that our love has left a long time ago and that it’s just convenience that keeps us holding on to share our lives as roommates. 

I am truly sorry for my part and for not being aggressive enough, for accepting and tolerating these changes. If I had to do it again, I would push you and not stand for any of it. I wouldn’t let these behaviors come between us, while naively and patiently believing that things would change because you want the same. I would set boundaries and demand respect through not letting anybody, but most of all you take advantage of me. And it is that while I am writing this, that I feel a shift and know that deep down inside I shouldn’t have to do any of these things. It is my heart that believes that they should naturally fall into place. Will they ever be worth anything if they are forced and are not naturally this way? I know it is the very reason why I kept silent but hopeful. And maybe it is the hopeless romantic in me expecting those dreams and visions to exist in real life.

So in the end and no matter how we decide to part our ways and live the final days or months together, we both decide on our own. I know that there will always be a place for you in my heart and I’m sorry that I couldn’t help you find your way back to the man I once knew. As I forgive you for your part in this, I hope you can also forgive me for mine. As we walk this thin line between love and hate, I truly wish you the best in your new journey as you write the next chapter of your life’s poem. 

As for me, I will always care for you and love you through the good memories we once shared. Enough so to set you free instead of holding on to you for convenience which most likely will end up in hate. I will care enough to let you pursue a life with somebody that can give you what I no longer can. I hope you will see that this is not the end but the beginning of anything you want it to be, of anything you choose. 

And in the final stages of our life together it is love that I choose instead of hate.