Posted in Animals, Inspiration, Life, Life lessons, Loss, My story, Pets, Self help

Sparky…


It’s my day off and I can’t help but feel as if I missed the short season of Fall all together. The one time that I could have gone out, I was sick with the Vertigo episode and the other two weeks following just didn’t line up with the weather, tasks, or me not wanting to go by myself. It feels a little like life itself and it’s not just the season that passes but life as well and I recognize lost moments. 

A storm moved in last night with high wind warnings and my beautiful yellow leaved tree in front of the house lost most of it’s foliage overnight. I saw a rainbow outside and two tractor trailers that were knocked over by the wind on the freeway, while driving I might add. Scary and I always hurry passed a Semi on the freeway, especially in windy conditions. Once a sheet of ice flew off the side of a trailer and smashed onto my windshield. Luckily nothing happened, but the moment was very intense to say the least. It’s raining, which I love and I can hear the melodic rhythm of the wind chime swaying in the wind while competing with the hauling and the raindrops hitting my window. I’m cuddled up with a blanked, engulfed in one of my favorite activities, writing. I still need to do chores but not just yet, right now belongs to me.

A recent reminder made me think back to the first time that I started writing and it was towards the end of 2011. Sparky, my beloved pooch who was with me since the age of ten weeks, struggled to eat. There were complications such as arthritis, being on glucosamine for a few years, daily pain control meds amongst other normal life challenges such as old age. It was November the 15th and I knew that my overnight shift at work would start in a few short weeks. I scheduled a vet visit in the hopes that somebody could help Sparky to feel better. My time would be limited to provide extra care for him and you could clearly see that he was not his old spunky self anymore. He was twelve years old and I could see the pain in his eyes and in every movement that provided a huge challenge as his legs simply gave out at times.

Sparky never came home that day and I had to say goodbye to my best friend, somebody that was more like a child to me vs. being just a pet, that he never was. It was a hard reality to grasp and honestly it never even crossed my mind that this could happen. Or did it, was it me who wasn’t ready to accept it as my truth? Perhaps I dismissed the thought into a state of unaware bliss, the uncertain where hope was residing and it wasn’t a state that was so final. He was so exited of going for a ride in the car and from little on he would sneak into the car if you left the car door open, ready to go for a ride. And here I was, unaware that it would be our last ride together and that I would have to drive back home alone in tears.

Shortly after that I started to write and it was like an outlet for me. I found little relief elsewhere and I remember a coworker at the “Ugly Beauty store” dismissing Sparky’s death by casually saying “Well life has to go on”. True, as it always finds a way and as it always does, but definitely not something that helped me at the moment, or something that I wanted to hear. I was filled with emotions of pain and words were left unspoken, as if things were searching to find their way to escape my heavy soul and jump right onto paper. I wrote for a long time and got lost in the feeling to overcome and to forget. It worked and the idea of writing a book was born. A book about my personal experiences and my journey in life, the highlights and the struggles. Surely there had to be others with similar experiences, others needing to feel that they were not alone, including me. 

After all, my subject matter was something I knew a lot about and naturally you would think that it should have flown easily and be a piece of cake. But that wasn’t so and in hindsight I know I was too critical of everything. I was overthinking it from the beginning to the end. Where would I start and how should the order of events unfold, were all common questions. It had to make sense without losing my readers (if I would have any) and I guess it was the perfectionist in me that wanted it to be a certain way. Eventually I stopped writing because I drove myself nuts and wasn’t happy with how things progressed. I kept constantly correcting myself and it felt as if I couldn’t make any progress for the life of me, when in all reality it was a part of the journey and a part of the progress, but I couldn’t see that then. I spent so much time on it and reading it now, I feel that most of it is not all that great. I wonder if it’s my critical nature and the high expectations that I place on myself who are paying me a visit and if the day will come when I look back at my current writing and might feel the same way.  

I look back knowingly aware of the lessons learned from these experiences and I believe I have grown because of it. At least I would hope that I did as much pain was associated with those times. Today I know that things don’t always have to be perfect and life itself is the greatest teacher by allowing us to see how messy it can be at times. So if it’s not life that is expecting us to be perfect, I look at myself and have to realize that it was me who put most of the pressure onto myself. In my mind it had to be perfect, but in reality nobody is perfect, nor does life expects us to be and we are all flawed in our own way. It feels as if I was in pursuit of something non existent, something impossible to attain.

Just the other day I was contemplating the direction of my blog and I’m glad that I finally just went for it. Without the what if’s and how it should be, I had taken the most important step, I took the plunge and got started. It’s not perfect and it never will be, but it’s from the heart and therefore I could never go wrong. There is passion invested and I found purpose in writing that makes me feel good. Besides being blessed to have met so many amazing people on here. Some of my subjects are darker and it is for that very reason of life not always being perfect. Once again, writing serves as an outlet, to free my mind when I can’t be in nature and to share my experiences with you. I’m grateful for the people that have allowed me to do so and that continue to take the time to read even the sad stories, leaving their heartfelt comments for me. It requires involvement, compassion and looking beyond. It takes time to digest the subjects and a willingness to acknowledge our human struggles. Thank you, it means more than you know….

I guess the lessons that I learned here are not to be too critical of ourselves. Sometimes we just need to go for it and perfection is often a status we self inflict. The way we feel about ourselves is not always dictated by the actions and the behavior of others, nor is our happiness dependent on others. We already have everything we need inside of us and we are the ones to make it happen instead of sitting there waiting for somebody to miraculously do it for us. It can’t be done by others and it will never happen this way, so you might as well get yourself a snickers bar if that is what you are waiting on. And who cares how good it is, if it’s perfect or not, what’s more important is that it gives us the meaning and the sense of having contributed. Sparky taught me that we can’t hold on to some things or to somebody for selfish reasons as it only prolongs their suffering in most cases. I learned a lot from my four legged fur baby and that very night on November the 15th after being back at home consoling Nikki, my other pooch, I believe Sparky came to visit us once more. 

To be continued…

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Author:

I'm a dreamer and hopeless romantic who believes that there is always a silver lining to everything. Now, inspired by the simple life, I have learned that less is more and that we find magic all around us if we take the time to notice. Life is a journey and a process that is ever changing. We are constantly evolving in the matter of who we are as we align our stars and shed a past no longer in line with our highest self. I don't easily fit conventional norms, not because I'm a rebel, but because of resenting the pull that threatens to take me away from my true beliefs and my unique personal identity. I support the power of "Choice" and the ability for us to be the architects of our own lives. Some of these choices should have something a little wild about them as they form the moments that forever stay edged in our memory and make our hearts beat with wonder. Nobody will remember the ordinary. For myself, I'm a warrior who has fallen many times, who has gone through trails an tribulations and who is no stranger to adversity. After all, my choice remains clear, to get back up and stand stronger than ever. To recognize that it often takes our darkest moments to mold us into who we were meant to be. I have learned to trust the process and stay positive through the challenges. I trust it to be the only way to prevent my heart from hardening and allowing bitterness to creep in. I believe in the power of "NOW" as it is the only moment we truly ever have. The past is gone, unchangeable and the future hasn't happened yet. All we can impact is the current moment. Everything starts with a choice and hopefully with one that has something wild about it and may even scare you to death to execute. DO IT...I promise you won't regret it. This blog is my voice to share my Journey. If I could describe this adventure in short, I would call it "Spiritual awakening" with a yearning for "Freedom" and going after the things that truly matter. To seek a less complicated life that is stripped down from the many obligations and responsibilities that often tie us down. For me it is a life free of rules and regulations, one that allows me to escape the must expectations while jumping off the hamster wheel that is spinning faster all the time. To be on my own time and live each day to the fullest, to make it all slow down by banishing routine and unleashing my creativity/artistic values in an effort to entertain whatever subject comes to mind. And if lucky, to perhaps offer a different view to my readers, one that speaks to your soul vs. the demands of what society might expect. It is one that empowers you to be your unique self and follow the beat of your own drum. I am dreaming big as I trail blaze the path to a new life and becoming a storyteller. I find my inspiration in the little things in life, in Mother Nature and on the trail that provides the adventures and the backdrop for a book someday. My hope is to inspire "Courage" in others who might find themselves on the brink of taking that first step. This blog serves as a foundation for my collection of personal thoughts, opinions and experiences and by no means am I an expert on any topics mentioned. To my readers I would say that the universe connects us by a common thread, we all search and we all have something to say. We don't always have to meet in person to share a strong bond and people enter our path for a reason. Some stay for a short time and serve their purpose, while others teach us a lesson and help us become stronger through experience. And a few special ones remain as the treasures we hold dear over a lifetime and touch our hearts beyond means. In whatever way we are meant to be, I thank you for crossing my path and for stopping by. I hope that I have left you inspired, full of wonder and with a few "Wild Choices" to make....Hugs XO

13 thoughts on “Sparky…

  1. Rhapsody, I would surely read a book you wrote. Even if you wrote a book and no one else ever read that book, it would be a heck of an accomplishment to be able to put your experiences, thoughts, and feelings into words.

    I’m so sorry about Sparky. It’s so hard to lose a pet child whom is so beloved.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awe Patty, you are such a sweet soul. Thank you so much for your kind words and you are right and it would be an accomplishment for sure. WordPress has been a little platform for me to work on my writing and to see if there would be an interest if I did. There is much to explore and to learn by then but it is something that intrigues me t pursue. Hugs to you and thank you again.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Lovely Sparky! 😍😍😍
    We share a lot of the same doubts. We question what we write, how we write, if anyone would like to read it… It is a reflection of our backgrounds and how our lives have been with the real experiences.
    I’m letting go of the fear, slowly but steadily. My blog was started to vent about my broken marriage but if I want to write about music or publish my little poems I hadn’t felt inspired to write for 20 odd years, I will, because it’s all part of who I am.
    Same with my book: I’m not trying to follow a formula like a lot of people do. I will write what I believe in, and so should you!
    I got your back and always will. And can’t wait to hear more about Sparky!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much, as always you are so right and we share a lot. The feelings I had were mainly back as I started to write and I believe they are the reason as to why it never amounted to much. I was my own hinderance and today just like you I have my reasons as to why I started to write but it doesn’t always have to be about that subject. I write what I feel and all these little pieces are a part of the story, the journey.
      I’m glad you are letting go of that fear as have I for the most part. I think the variety in what we write about is actually healthy, makes us unique and gives it a fresh take. In other words it is us, unconventional, not following any norm ad isn’t that what we want it to be? 😉
      Thank you for your kind words my dear friend, it is as if I’m speaking to myself when we share our experiences ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Amazing post! I can relate on many things, and it’s a good feeling to believe I have found others that have experienced the same worries, doubts, sorrow, and search for perfection as I have. I’m grateful that I have found your blog, you’re an excellent writer and I just got swept away by your words.
    I’m sorry to hear about your Sparky, I can’t imagine what it will be like to lose my Prince. The story is that I wanted to name him Princess, yet I was told I couldn’t because he was a boy…and from there I settled with Prince. I have had my Prince since I was three, and he is still my best friend.
    I tend to ramble on a bit, sorry, but I have also found that writing is a powerful way of expression. Along with that, I did not realize sharing that writing was another step forward into the light and out of that isolation I felt between my self and the outside world.
    I would just like to thank you for sharing your voice 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so very much for your kind words and the follow.
      I would like to say that I’m glad that you took up writing as a form of expression. Life doesn’t always give us that chance, so it’s great that you have found this outlet that can bring purpose and meaning.
      I have met many great people on here, people that go through the same things we are, people that relate and people that have a voice. As we all try to find our spot and want to contribute, please know that you already have and you took the first step.
      Welcome and thank you again for your kind words.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi,
    I am sorry you lost your dog. I lost my dog and she was also like a child and me. It has been 13 months now, and dumb been blogged about it several times.
    I met you at Roberta’s blog party. Maybe you can check out my blog if you need a blogging tip or two. That’s what I write about.
    I am having my own blog party today and I would love for you to come. I have them four times a month.
    Janice

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Janice,
      Thank you for your kind words to my post and the invitation. I’m sorry to have missed it due to being at work, perhaps another time since there is always room for tips and pointers. I will definitely stop by and say hi. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  5. What do you do with your art ? the man was asked. Stare at it till I hate it. he replied .. I understand your critical nature, but it was that experience along with others in writing that have propelled you today. You have always been good at reaching into your soul and pulling out some feelings, looking them over and conveying them in a way that is meant to inspire…The more you have done the better it is conveyed. 🙂 …and I love that photo of Sparky 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, you are right and everything is a process. We learn and grow or we get bitter and grumpy lol. I’m glad I have chose the first and I had great friends that kept me on track 😉.
      Glad you liked Sparky’s picture. I put this outfit on him one day because he always acted as if he thought he was a person lol.

      Liked by 1 person

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