Posted in Experience, Feelings, Human spirit, Inspiration, Life, Loss, My story

Closure!!!

I never sleep all that great when I have to work early and last night was no different. Maybe it’s the sole reason as to why I don’t oversleep. Starring at the clock every other hour keeps me pretty safe in that regard. And so it was that I woke up this morning before the alarm clock even had a chance to spring into action. One leg emerged the cocoon like structure of blankets that I constructed around myself, not to speak and mention of all the pillows, surrounding me like a fort. Have I mentioned that I’m quiet fond of my bed? I’m a comfort creature in certain respects and I think I’m in love with my bed after all hahaha.After a few more moments of bliss, I jumped out of bed to make coffee and get ready for work. While doing so I felt my mood shift with increasing quickness, until I felt nothing but defeat and emptiness. I pondered the reasons for the sudden change and found myself looking forward to coming back home, to relax and to write, to finally call it a day. I hadn’t even left yet…. but I also knew why I felt this way.

Yesterday’s little triumph of venting was short lived. After almost two years I finally cleared my mind (or so I thought) by ranting about the “ugly” beauty store and what happened to me. It was a time filled with too much to handle and yet I would have gladly tried, given that I had the support to do so. But now that I had finally spoken about it and no longer kept my story bottled up inside, all that remained was sadness. If you asked me, I would tell you to let your emotions out, to discuss your issues and try to deal with them. I would tell you to not allow those little demons to eat away at you, to naw on your very existence just enough each day to never truly allow you to forget the nightmare. And in a way I felt like a hypocrite, going against my own word and not following the advice I would give you. I was good at that and I had noticed that a few times before. The rational me could give advice all day long but when it came to advising myself and walking the talk I preach, well that was a different story. Why? I knew I believed in the wisdom and the words that I would so often bestow on others, so why couldn’t I do this for myself? Was I not worthy? Who knows, but I knew that it takes a lot for me to rant, you have to provoke me heavily and I am not easily pushed in to the corner, nor do I give up easily.

After last nights rant, there was a certain amount of relief and I finally got to tell my story. In retrospect it felt as if I was trying to justify myself, perhaps I was looking for understanding, was it pity I was after? It couldn’t have been….So what was the problem then? I ranted and I even had some relief, but had it brought the closure I was hoping it would? It didn’t and in the end this issue will always remain unresolved to some degree. It’s done and it is what it is….

As I contemplate the reasons, I come to the conclusion that just maybe it is not always closure that we need and sometimes the answers simply don’t exist. Maybe all we need is to learn to accept that all things, good and bad will always be a part of our life. Maybe it’s enough when we can learn to move on, to learn to forgive even if we never forget and we shouldn’t.

My perception has shifted a bit and I find myself in a few new beliefs. In the end and just maybe it will be all the closure I will ever need.

 

Good night…I’m going back to the cocoon.

 

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Author:

I'm a dreamer and hopeless romantic who believes that there is always a silver lining to everything. Now, inspired by the simple life, I have learned that less is more and that we find magic all around us if we take the time to notice. Life is a journey and a process that is ever changing. We are constantly evolving in the matter of who we are as we align our stars and shed a past no longer in line with our highest self. I don't easily fit conventional norms, not because I'm a rebel, but because of resenting the pull that threatens to take me away from my true beliefs and my unique personal identity. I support the power of "Choice" and the ability for us to be the architects of our own lives. Some of these choices should have something a little wild about them as they form the moments that forever stay edged in our memory and make our hearts beat with wonder. Nobody will remember the ordinary. For myself, I'm a warrior who has fallen many times, who has gone through trails an tribulations and who is no stranger to adversity. After all, my choice remains clear, to get back up and stand stronger than ever. To recognize that it often takes our darkest moments to mold us into who we were meant to be. I have learned to trust the process and stay positive through the challenges. I trust it to be the only way to prevent my heart from hardening and allowing bitterness to creep in. I believe in the power of "NOW" as it is the only moment we truly ever have. The past is gone, unchangeable and the future hasn't happened yet. All we can impact is the current moment. Everything starts with a choice and hopefully with one that has something wild about it and may even scare you to death to execute. DO IT...I promise you won't regret it. This blog is my voice to share my Journey. If I could describe this adventure in short, I would call it "Spiritual awakening" with a yearning for "Freedom" and going after the things that truly matter. To seek a less complicated life that is stripped down from the many obligations and responsibilities that often tie us down. For me it is a life free of rules and regulations, one that allows me to escape the must expectations while jumping off the hamster wheel that is spinning faster all the time. To be on my own time and live each day to the fullest, to make it all slow down by banishing routine and unleashing my creativity/artistic values in an effort to entertain whatever subject comes to mind. And if lucky, to perhaps offer a different view to my readers, one that speaks to your soul vs. the demands of what society might expect. It is one that empowers you to be your unique self and follow the beat of your own drum. I am dreaming big as I trail blaze the path to a new life and becoming a storyteller. I find my inspiration in the little things in life, in Mother Nature and on the trail that provides the adventures and the backdrop for a book someday. My hope is to inspire "Courage" in others who might find themselves on the brink of taking that first step. This blog serves as a foundation for my collection of personal thoughts, opinions and experiences and by no means am I an expert on any topics mentioned. To my readers I would say that the universe connects us by a common thread, we all search and we all have something to say. We don't always have to meet in person to share a strong bond and people enter our path for a reason. Some stay for a short time and serve their purpose, while others teach us a lesson and help us become stronger through experience. And a few special ones remain as the treasures we hold dear over a lifetime and touch our hearts beyond means. In whatever way we are meant to be, I thank you for crossing my path and for stopping by. I hope that I have left you inspired, full of wonder and with a few "Wild Choices" to make....Hugs XO

12 thoughts on “Closure!!!

  1. It is always hard to take action, evwn though you know it’s the right thing to do.
    You always think about the consequences you may have to face. When you give the advice that is not what’s on your mind first and foremost.
    It doesn’t make you wrong or less wise. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. First of all that picture you selected is so cool. I get a “Nothing is going to stop me” feeling.

    I think there is something about validation that gives us a sense that we’re not crazy for feeling the way we do. The reality is, like you said, is that accepting the feelings means we validate ourselves.

    This was extremely introspective and I appreciate being able to read it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank very much for your kind words, somehow they shed a new perspective onto the subject I hadn’t considered before. It felt like justification what I was doing and while it was important to get this off of my chest, it truly wasn’t what I was looking for. But validation is a different story and I think it’s what I needed.
      Thank you for shedding light onto this for me. Sometimes the things are right in front of us and we still don’t see them.
      I’m glad you liked the picture and in a way it’s symbolic and reminded me of the the long road I have come to this point. And yes, maybe a little like nothing is going to stop me and I’m on my way.
      Thank you very much. Hugs xoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  3. First of all I have to say I love that picture you chose for this post. It is simply incredible and you (I’m assuming that is you) look incredible in it, like a force of nature in your element with the very clouds ready to do your bidding.

    Onto what you have written, I know exactly what you mean by feeling like a hypocrite not following your own advice. Let me take a stab at something here if you will indulge me, someone comes to you for advice you know exactly what do do and what to say but when it comes to yourself there is a voice in the back of your mind telling you that, your perfectly reasonable advice, that everyone else would accept and follow, won’t work for you as it doesn’t apply to your situation and that you feel like you are up against a tsunami with a cocktail umbrella?

    As for the feeling of sadness that followed letting your rant flow, the reason for that could be that, even though I know you are a good soul, you have been holding onto the anger that the situation brought about in you. The feelings of despair, alienation and, yes, anger that these horrible people you worked with put you through has been festering away within you for years and now that you have finally let that anger go you feel empty inside when you think back on it.
    After the relief that you felt letting it go had passed you find that you miss, sub-consciously, the fire that kept you going.
    I’ve been through this before and trust me it will pass. You are one of the strongest people I have encountered in my life and this will not beat you. So don’t dwell on it anymore. You’ve let the anger go which isn’t easy to do but you’ve done it.

    Just remember you are better than these petty people and you will not let them drag you down to their level. Rise above them with elegance, I have complete confidence that you can do this easily.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so very very much for all of your time you put into this wonderful comment. It is as if you are speaking from my heart and it is refreshing to share this with the few people such as yourself who understand the situation as if it happened to them. I know I’m not alone and you are right, I held on to this for a long time because everything was so unfair and unjust, it hurt a lot as it happened. It was ruthless, cold and calculating, I never had a chance.
      There was relief venting and finally talking about it and it glad I did as I no longer wanted to hold on to this even if it was only subconsciously. The anger is out and I accept that this will never be resolved, I don’t even know would it would take and I don’t need their apologies….I have risen above that level son as a matter of fact I was never at that level. Low and mean….I never been there.
      Thank you for your kind words and the compliment about the picture. Yes it is me and it’s amazing you even picked up on the connection of the picture to for the story. It takes somebody very intuitive and sensitive to pick up on the subtle hints and your souls is simply beautiful my friend. Thank you for taking the time….hugs to you. ❤️😉

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are welcome and I thought that the connection with the picture was baltently obvious.
        I am glad that have moved beyond that and that you never sunk to their level.
        I truly hope you don’t have to go through that again. It is no problem taking the time, your writing is easy to connect with. Hugs to you 💙💙

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you again ❤️. I’m glad this part is behind me although I do have to experience something almost as bad. Times have changed and there is a thing as having too much experience and unfortunately not all in upper management are in their positions as a servant leader. It’s all about power and having control over others. Sadly it also causes treatment of contempt which is hard to endure. But life goes on and I will write about that one another time 😉. Thank you for the hugs and your kind thoughts. Back to you and have a great day. 😉❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thank you my friend, it keeps me going to have special people like you in my life 😉. This too shall pass and it helps to realize that people who behave like this are lost in their own way. They don’t know better and it’s not up to me to revenge and pay back. If karma comes around they will have enough to deal with.
        And remember, it is always the tough things in our lives that mold us into the person we ultimately become and it can go either way. I, for myself say no to bitterness and choose the silver lining. 😉

        Like

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