I never sleep all that great when I have to work early and last night was no different. Maybe it’s the sole reason as to why I don’t oversleep. Starring at the clock every other hour keeps me pretty safe in that regard. And so it was that I woke up this morning before the alarm clock even had a chance to spring into action. One leg emerged the cocoon like structure of blankets that I constructed around myself, not to speak and mention of all the pillows, surrounding me like a fort. Have I mentioned that I’m quiet fond of my bed? I’m a comfort creature in certain respects and I think I’m in love with my bed after all hahaha.After a few more moments of bliss, I jumped out of bed to make coffee and get ready for work. While doing so I felt my mood shift with increasing quickness, until I felt nothing but defeat and emptiness. I pondered the reasons for the sudden change and found myself looking forward to coming back home, to relax and to write, to finally call it a day. I hadn’t even left yet…. but I also knew why I felt this way.
Yesterday’s little triumph of venting was short lived. After almost two years I finally cleared my mind (or so I thought) by ranting about the “ugly” beauty store and what happened to me. It was a time filled with too much to handle and yet I would have gladly tried, given that I had the support to do so. But now that I had finally spoken about it and no longer kept my story bottled up inside, all that remained was sadness. If you asked me, I would tell you to let your emotions out, to discuss your issues and try to deal with them. I would tell you to not allow those little demons to eat away at you, to naw on your very existence just enough each day to never truly allow you to forget the nightmare. And in a way I felt like a hypocrite, going against my own word and not following the advice I would give you. I was good at that and I had noticed that a few times before. The rational me could give advice all day long but when it came to advising myself and walking the talk I preach, well that was a different story. Why? I knew I believed in the wisdom and the words that I would so often bestow on others, so why couldn’t I do this for myself? Was I not worthy? Who knows, but I knew that it takes a lot for me to rant, you have to provoke me heavily and I am not easily pushed in to the corner, nor do I give up easily.
After last nights rant, there was a certain amount of relief and I finally got to tell my story. In retrospect it felt as if I was trying to justify myself, perhaps I was looking for understanding, was it pity I was after? It couldn’t have been….So what was the problem then? I ranted and I even had some relief, but had it brought the closure I was hoping it would? It didn’t and in the end this issue will always remain unresolved to some degree. It’s done and it is what it is….
As I contemplate the reasons, I come to the conclusion that just maybe it is not always closure that we need and sometimes the answers simply don’t exist. Maybe all we need is to learn to accept that all things, good and bad will always be a part of our life. Maybe it’s enough when we can learn to move on, to learn to forgive even if we never forget and we shouldn’t.
My perception has shifted a bit and I find myself in a few new beliefs. In the end and just maybe it will be all the closure I will ever need.
Good night…I’m going back to the cocoon.