Another thing that I had to learn and what was standing in the way of playing well with others was that I had no interest in the negativity that was derived from that “gossip wagon”. Everybody was entitled to their own opinion and I full heartily believed in that, but it was the negative view and the negativity itself that sucked the life right out of me. I felt a great dislike, a discomfort and a disturbance if you will, whenever I was around those vibes. I knew right away that this wasn’t my cup of tea.
Have you ever noticed the emotional little vampires that buzz around you every day? Ever heard the saying that “Attitude is contagious”? I truly believed in it, but chose not to adapt to the same attitude or to become a negative mind in the process. Not if I could help it, even though I couldn’t deny that being around those complaining, always seemingly unhappy people was definitely affecting my own vibe. I could feel it wanting to rub off on me and I despised it. I knew that there was nothing to gain and it was always the same outcome. I wondered if something was ever resolved from that method but I guess I would have had to stick around to find out. I saw the same groups of people, huddling with new toxic subjects of negativity, filling the daily gripe in rallying each other up. The negative little vampires seemed to have an opinion about everything and knew everything better than everyone else on top of it.
Eventually I started to avoid their company. I could no longer bestow the doubt of them just having a bad day and it turned out to be an ongoing series of only bad days. We all have bad days, perhaps when things don’t turn out as expected or if life throws us a curve ball. But come on….every day!!! It was the same, day in and day out and it was mind boggling how much effort was directed towards being so negative. There was never a glimmer of hope, never a possibility for the positive, just a negative view of everything and anything that was on today’s menu. I wondered how amazing it would be if all that energy was directed into their jobs, but then this would be an entirely different chapter, wouldn’t it?
The gap of becoming an outsider widened. I couldn’t relate with the emotional vampires and they couldn’t relate with me. I was strange and different and what we learned so far is that I didn’t like to gossip and that I didn’t like to feed into negativity. By nature I am an optimist at heart but in short I was lacking interpersonal savvy and “I didn’t play well with other’s”. Perhaps interpersonal skills and playing well with others required to be tolerant or even join the gossip of being negative. I didn’t know and I didn’t waste much time with it. If that was the case, it would require me to change and I didn’t want to change for the acceptance to fit in.
I felt drained from their behavior and while life was not excluding me, I had my own share of negative experiences. I saw little resolution in choosing the negative approach. What was I to gain from literally chanting louder and louder, bitching about my situation and letting everybody know how much it sucked and how displeased I was? Would it miraculously change and fix itself? Maybe I would get temporary relief of getting it all out there and getting it off of my chest. In parts I believed that it would be healthy to not harbor negative feelings inside and to hold on to anger and frustration. I don’t know, maybe I should try it, but I didn’t like the way it made me feel. Feeling my blood pressure rise, I associated this behavior with bitterness, hate and great dislike. That doesn’t mean that I smiled at a lousy situation that was happening to me or that I even liked it, but I looked at it more like a lesson. For sure there was something to take away from it, something that was to be learned. And I knew that many of the most important lessons we learn are born out of hardship and adversity. Bad things happen to everybody and nobody is exempt, but how we react and what we take away from these situations is up to us. I found it to be much healthier for myself to uphold and focus on my inner peace and not to disturb that balance, but once again it only caused others to abstain from relating to me.
I became stranger by the minute. At least in their eyes….
And then I came across this quote and all made sense once again. I was still on my way and I was coming home to myself.