Posted in Experience, Inspiration, Life, Motivation,, My story, Purpose driven, Self help

Transformation 

Transformation is born out of pain and struggle. Without it there is no need to change and we continue to reside in our current state. Just like the butterfly who starts out as a caterpillar, it often takes years to grow into our beautiful self and nobody said that it was ever easy. It’s during those times that we have to remind ourselves that this is temporary and we will emerge an even more beautiful version of ourselves.

img_5188

Be patient and let the journey unfold….everything beautiful takes time.

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Motivation,, My story, Purpose driven, Spiritual awakening, Survival

Oh dear little one…

I was born on the day after my Mother’s birthday, perhaps a belated birthday present, perhaps a birthday filled with labor pains depending on how you look at things. I made my final debut on the day that would later be known for as “The day of ups and downs”. I just recently had read about this and yes you guessed it, it only stirred more questions that were left unanswered. For now….but oh boy, what ups and downs would my life include and come to know?

I was born at home with the help of a nurse and my crib was an oval shaped wicker basket that had handles on either side. It allowed my bed to be portable and to be transported from room to room. My pillow and blanket was homemade, hand sewn and stuffed with goose feathers for warmth and comfort. Although there are no known pictures of me in my crib, I can envision it very clearly as if my adult version was hovering and looking down onto my infant self. 

Oh dear little one…bless-ed be thy journey.

For sure it was a different era back then, with fewer store bought items and more handmade crafts as well as simpler resources. But that itself is questionable in today’s modern world and with what we interpret as simple. It can’t get much simpler than browsing an endless online array of everything you could imagine. With the click of a mouse you have access to the cyber mall that ships everything to your very doorstep, eliminating the need of setting foot into an actual store. What I’m trying to say is that times were different and my parents and therefore I was not accustomed to the modern conveniences we know today. It’s an era long gone that forced people to be more creative and make the most out of their resources.
As we have more than ever, in a strange way we also have less then ever and from time to time I allow myself to get lost in a beautiful dream. A smile finds its way to light up my face as I’m transported back to those innocent times and the stories that I have been told. I float in a make believe world and imagine what it was like and how these moments came to unfold. What emotions were felt about the simple joys of life and how society was richer in so many ways. It’s pure magic and I’m at peace, for I have little but I have it all and I am perfectly content. My life is complete and is spread out in front of me in an unassuming, not knowing manner.

My first breath was taken in Germany but little did I knew that my life would not start until many years later.

At this innocent and unassuming moment in time, back in Germany my life was fulfilled in the simplicity of all I ever needed…

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Motivation,, My story, Purpose driven, Spiritual awakening, Survival

My first breath…

My first breath was taken in a small farming village located in central Germany. There was one main road winding through the heart of the village with no stop lights, a tiny convenience store, a bakery and a butcher store. There was also a kindergarten, an elementary school for the first 5 years, there was a practicing doctors office and a dentist. I could literally walk from one end of town to the other end in a matter of 45 minutes. Everybody knew everybody and by knowing everybody, I mean it included everybody’s business and knowing their personal story, which in return required a certain level of nosiness and gossip. What other excitement was there to be found in the country and on the streets that were run by tractors and other farming equipment.

In my teenage years, gossip proved to become my pet peeve and I couldn’t stand the hush hush whispers, the stolen glimpses, the quick over the shoulder turn to check if the coast was still clear. As if you were about to be caught because after all you were spreading nothing but nuisance in conveying your interpretation of what might had started as a rumor. Personal spins were added and the “Have you heard….” story would always evolve with no shortage of exaggeration. Im sure you have seen it unfold in front of you before, you may have found yourself a victim of such behavior, or you may even have participated in such acts yourself. While not dismissing such behavior as acceptable, please “Relax” for there are always various reasons which are personal to each one of us. We all deal with issues that cause us to behave in ways outside of what I would call our true self and today my view has changed and has become less judgmental.
But for now it was the middle of summer and this small German village was welcoming another tiny citizen to their community. Me….

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Motivation,, My story, Purpose driven, Spiritual awakening, Survival

Questions Galore

Here it was again and that “Something” from the other day had seemingly taking over my life. There was no shortage of questions and my mind was racing and kept me occupied over the next few days. Question after question entered my mind at dizzying speeds and without lingering long enough to even stand the chance to be answered.What was I here to do on earth and with my life? Was I living a purpose driven life? Was my life all that it was suppose to be? Was that it or was there more to life? Had I accomplished what the world was expecting of me and did I turn out to be the successful person I was meant to be? Was I fulfilling my lives destiny… wait a minute, where did I hear that and who decides that anyways?

It was exhausting to say the least and with no answers, I just sat there staring off into the distance as if some message would miraculously start floating towards me. My mind was racing from one thought to another, coming full circle and returning back to it’s originating question that had started the whole chaos. Still no answers but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something felt incomplete, something vital, something that was unfulfilled. I’m talking about the stuff that dreams are made off, the inspiration that gives us hope and propels us forward. The things that make us truly feel alive, instead of just living in existence. I mean that special little “Something” that feeds our soul with magic and a meaning that is so much greater than ourselves. You know what I mean.

I didn’t know what had caused the sudden change and what triggered those feelings, but for sure there had to be more to life then just working and paying the bills day after day, only to repeat over and over for weeks, months and years. For almost half of a century, I had chased the ideals, principles and values ingrained into me from little on. Growing up in Germany I had inherited a strong work ethic, but it often placed me last while giving my job priority and more than I had at times. I was eager to please and exceed the ever growing demands that society had placed and invested in me. And not once did I think that there was something wrong with it. I was used to hard work and working my way through the ranks. Until now that was, and it felt as if I was finally waking up from that deep sleep that had stretched over all of my life. I was ready for a change and I wanted to surrender to the idea of what could be. To dare letting my life unfold in front of my eyes and to find myself utilizing unconventional manners, away from what I had been taught, away from the reality I had lived all of my life. Who’s reality was it anyways, who’s principles and values was I living? Did I have any of my own and if so what were they and who was I?
And so this paintings came to be and it is one of my very first ones and also one of my favorites to date.

And as you can see I just had a lot of those ????????????????? during that time.

Posted in Inspiration, Life

Giving up is not optional

This is my story and it’s a personal journey through the blessings and tests we all share during our life. It’s a story of self discovery and finding myself through a collection of personal choices and experiences. I have no formal training or education in writing and you won’t find the fancy jargon that is backed by tons of scientific research here. That means that if you prefer the expert advice, then these writings are probably not for you but I’m happy you stopped by and I welcome you to stay. Further I like to mention that English is my second language and you might find some grammatical errors as I am self taught. What you are about to read are my own opinions, my personal outlook and it is meant to be utilized by your own discretion.
This book/blog was inspired by the desire to shed light on to what I think is often experienced in silence and loneliness. The tough situations and the pain that shakes our lives and forces us to our knees, the ones that are taboo for discussion and the ones that are endured with great suffering and little help.
I dedicate this book/blog to my family and friends who’s undying support has helped me to believe in myself during a time of great darkness and when I couldn’t believe in myself. Thank you for encouraging me to stay the course, for helping me go the distance, to not give up and the motivation to face another day of trying.
“Giving up is not optional” a good friend once told me as I seemed to have hit an all time low. This immediately shifted my focus and my pain no longer became that of my own. After all, what do we have to lose anyways? You may surprise yourself and you never know what you can achieve until you set foot to pursue your dreams and go after the very essence that fuels your soul. And so it is that I tell you firsthand to “Shoot for the stars and to dream big”.
And lastly and equally important this book/blog stands for the millions of people that I never had the privilege to meet but hope to inspire through the stories I share. Should I be blessed enough to reach only one person and make a difference in their life, then I couldn’t ask for anything more but of course I dream of reaching many more. I hope to reminded you that you are not alone and that life is full of up’s and down’s for everybody, nobody is exempt. It is just a matter of learning how to dance during the storms and how to embrace adversity like a great teacher that pushes you to grow into a more beautiful “YOU”. You may not be able to see this through the pain, but no matter how difficult your lesson may be, believe me that “YOU WILL.”image

Posted in Inspiration, Life, Motivation,, My story, Purpose driven, Spiritual awakening, Survival

Bullet Train to nowhere…

Weeks passed since the “Nirvana incident”.

My mind frequently wandered back to that day in a restless effort, trying to figure out what happened on that stormy afternoon. Something changed, and I couldn’t deny that I felt different. Different in the sense of many levels, and different in ways I couldn’t explain. No matter what, something always grabbed me, returning me back to the memory, while replaying the details of starring out of the window. I wasn’t sure what happened, and the information pouring in was almost overwhelming. My mind was working overtime, and contradicting enough, the chaos felt good in strange ways, bringing the knowledge of change. I can’t tell you why this felt so comforting, it just did. In hindsight I realize that much was amiss prior to reaching that point, and still, there was no way to pinpoint what it was that had gone astray. While on the outside everything remained the same, it was the inside that was shook up, and where all the change took place. Nothing would be the same again, and the road ahead would be one of discovery and wonder.

I was in my forties when all this happened, and when I began to question my life. Everything appeared foreign, and all of a sudden most things just didn’t fit anymore. I had lost my purpose, and honestly if you’d asked me what that was, I wouldn’t have known how to answer. Did I ever have one? I couldn’t define or tell you what one’s purpose was, let alone explain and talk about my own.

I started to question my values and guidelines, wondering if they had always been mine. Were they truly made up from my life experiences, or were they instilled from little on? I spent much time pondering subjects just like this, trying to find my way. It truly sounds strange to say this now, to look back from a different perspective and realize that up until then, I had no clue that I was off the path. Either way, the more time I spent mulling it over, the more it became apparent that these guidelines were no longer a part of me. Everything had changed, nothing felt right, and yet in some strange way, everything felt right and perfect. Confusing, isn’t it? But have you ever experienced something so wrong, and yet it felt so right? Something you couldn’t explain, and yet you knew? It was kind of like that. I was on unfamiliar ground and yet I felt as if I belonged. Everything was new, and yet so familiar. I knew that I was on the right path, despite of having no clue of where I was heading. There were no street markers, but there were plenty of signs, and all of a sudden, I saw. I became aware of the details, and for the first time I noticed the ”Big Void”. The big empty hole where “SOMETHING” whatever it might have been, used to be, or belonged, was lost. Perhaps nothing had ever been there, and it was the very reason as to why I felt so empty. But then on the other hand, maybe it had always been there, lying dormant, just waiting for me to finally wake up. Life became a constant push and pull, everything was analyzed and the status quo was most always challenged. I was hungry for knowledge, hungry to understand what was going on, and why everything was shifting.

What followed was a period reflection, and it was so easy to see that my life was consumed with day to day tasks. Chores begging to be accomplished, routines to be repeated over and over, with little to no joy as the end result. There was little time for the things that mattered, and again I have to speak from hindsight when I say that I never realized it at the time. Life was boring and downright stagnant, mundane at it’s best. I had arrived at THAT famous question we all soon or later run across when we ask ourselves if ”this” is truly all there is to life.

I knew that I was stuck in a routine. I felt tired of the daily rut, and weeks, months, yes even years went by with little change. I’m not sure what I was waiting on, but timing is everything and opportunities will pass us by if we are not ready to seize the moment. I noticed not enough special moments to look back onto, and I had too few memories that truly made me feel alive. Everything got lost in a blur of wasted time, missed opportunities and a life that had become predictable. A life, average, trying to make ends meets like so many others, lost in the shuffle of things. Somewhere along those lines I lost the concept of time and working towards a goal. I merely existed, but died a long time ago. I was nothing but a shell, contributing my part to society like a well programmed robot. In reality this started way before “Nirvana” and had been a huge part of my adult life.

Something powerful happened that day at the kitchen window. I was ready for a change, ready to seize the moment. It was for the first time that I realized how truly lost I was. Always working on somebody else’s clock, with never enough time for what really mattered. Was this the work-life balance everybody else was always talking about? Would this continue in the same old fashion, for the rest of my life, until I’d become dust? I had no clue, and had accepted it as part of life. I didn’t question anything, how could I have? I wasn’t aware prior to that day. It was just the way it was.

But then, that “SOMETHING”‘changed, and I was unable to determine what was missing, what needed to change, what was I searching for, and what was next. All I knew was that the past weeks, months and years, all contributed to that final moment when I began to question everything.

I wondered if I had allowed myself to dream, or was it that I finally woke up from a life long state of dreaming? What changed for my perception to shift? Why now? As questions were left unanswered, one thing suddenly hit me and became painfully obvious….

… with the speed of a bullet train, my life was heading into nowhere…

image