Today was the beginning of a seven day work stretch and in all honesty, I was not looking forward to it. It was a lot of noise to imagine and I was already counting down the days before they had a chance to get started. But it was also the countdown towards salvation which included five days of freedom coming my way. “Freedom” was my reference to time off and it seemed as if it was all that I was working for as of lately. I’m not saying that I didn’t care about my job or that I gave it anything less then a 100%, in reality it was more of the opposite and my work ethic would have never allowed for such, but I longed to be under nobody’s watch and I wanted to do my own thing. For sure there was a lot to be done in doing that “own thing” and the last time I had checked, I had found no shortage of hobbies and interests. I would not be bored for a long, long time, that was for sure and I was ok with it.
The problem was never enough time to balance all, with days way too short and a forty hour workweek that simply took a big chunk of my time. It almost felt like a waste of time and work was getting in between my creative process. But just like everybody else, I had to work and it didn’t look as if I was going to win the lottery any time soon. Perhaps I should start to play if I was to entertain this avenue.
After everything was said and done, by the end of the day I was simply too exhausted and all I wanted to do was to sit and unwind from my busy day. I sat in silence, without the TV and began to wonder what the point was of having it and paying the $140 a month which included the typical TV, Phone and Internet bundle. The only thing I really used was the Wifi. The phone was more or less for my Mother and to allow her to reach me if there was ever a need. But there was never a need it seemed like, or I should say that it was very seldom that she called due to the time difference and not knowing when she was able to reach me with my ever changing schedule. Plus she hated to talk to the answering machine and would rather hang up instead of leaving a message. I know it sounds like an excuse but those were her reasons and even though I could have had the same, we differed as I would call back over and over until I get a hold of her.
The TV would only add more noise to an already hectic and loud retail day and so I sat in silence in search of my sanity. Life was passing me by and I’m not saying that you always have to be on the go and be doing something, but I was too tired for anything else. It was a routine, an unfulfilled reason that was simply unacceptable to me. My condition was not by choice but by exhaustion and being drained. I had come to a point where retail and it’s loss for balance sucked the life right out of me. It sounds horrible coming to think of, but I didn’t know different. “It was just what it was” and I knew something was missing. I’m sure it still remains a part of what needs to be altered and what needs to be changed along my path as I patiently await the solutions to present themselves when the conditions are right and in perfect time.
As I sat there my “Questions galore” post made a comeback by throwing one question after another my way to disturb the peace and quiet I was so desperately seeking.
Did I really wanted to spend the rest of my life like this? What was I working towards, what was my legacy, my fulfillment? And the biggest question mark of them all “What was next”?