Weeks passed since the “Nirvana incident”.
My mind frequently wandered back to that day in a restless effort, trying to figure out what happened on that stormy afternoon. Something changed, and I couldn’t deny that I felt different. Different in the sense of many levels, and different in ways I couldn’t explain. No matter what, something always grabbed me, returning me back to the memory, while replaying the details of starring out of the window. I wasn’t sure what happened, and the information pouring in was almost overwhelming. My mind was working overtime, and contradicting enough, the chaos felt good in strange ways, bringing the knowledge of change. I can’t tell you why this felt so comforting, it just did. In hindsight I realize that much was amiss prior to reaching that point, and still, there was no way to pinpoint what it was that had gone astray. While on the outside everything remained the same, it was the inside that was shook up, and where all the change took place. Nothing would be the same again, and the road ahead would be one of discovery and wonder.
I was in my forties when all this happened, and when I began to question my life. Everything appeared foreign, and all of a sudden most things just didn’t fit anymore. I had lost my purpose, and honestly if you’d asked me what that was, I wouldn’t have known how to answer. Did I ever have one? I couldn’t define or tell you what one’s purpose was, let alone explain and talk about my own.
I started to question my values and guidelines, wondering if they had always been mine. Were they truly made up from my life experiences, or were they instilled from little on? I spent much time pondering subjects just like this, trying to find my way. It truly sounds strange to say this now, to look back from a different perspective and realize that up until then, I had no clue that I was off the path. Either way, the more time I spent mulling it over, the more it became apparent that these guidelines were no longer a part of me. Everything had changed, nothing felt right, and yet in some strange way, everything felt right and perfect. Confusing, isn’t it? But have you ever experienced something so wrong, and yet it felt so right? Something you couldn’t explain, and yet you knew? It was kind of like that. I was on unfamiliar ground and yet I felt as if I belonged. Everything was new, and yet so familiar. I knew that I was on the right path, despite of having no clue of where I was heading. There were no street markers, but there were plenty of signs, and all of a sudden, I saw. I became aware of the details, and for the first time I noticed the ”Big Void”. The big empty hole where “SOMETHING” whatever it might have been, used to be, or belonged, was lost. Perhaps nothing had ever been there, and it was the very reason as to why I felt so empty. But then on the other hand, maybe it had always been there, lying dormant, just waiting for me to finally wake up. Life became a constant push and pull, everything was analyzed and the status quo was most always challenged. I was hungry for knowledge, hungry to understand what was going on, and why everything was shifting.
What followed was a period reflection, and it was so easy to see that my life was consumed with day to day tasks. Chores begging to be accomplished, routines to be repeated over and over, with little to no joy as the end result. There was little time for the things that mattered, and again I have to speak from hindsight when I say that I never realized it at the time. Life was boring and downright stagnant, mundane at it’s best. I had arrived at THAT famous question we all soon or later run across when we ask ourselves if ”this” is truly all there is to life.
I knew that I was stuck in a routine. I felt tired of the daily rut, and weeks, months, yes even years went by with little change. I’m not sure what I was waiting on, but timing is everything and opportunities will pass us by if we are not ready to seize the moment. I noticed not enough special moments to look back onto, and I had too few memories that truly made me feel alive. Everything got lost in a blur of wasted time, missed opportunities and a life that had become predictable. A life, average, trying to make ends meets like so many others, lost in the shuffle of things. Somewhere along those lines I lost the concept of time and working towards a goal. I merely existed, but died a long time ago. I was nothing but a shell, contributing my part to society like a well programmed robot. In reality this started way before “Nirvana” and had been a huge part of my adult life.
Something powerful happened that day at the kitchen window. I was ready for a change, ready to seize the moment. It was for the first time that I realized how truly lost I was. Always working on somebody else’s clock, with never enough time for what really mattered. Was this the work-life balance everybody else was always talking about? Would this continue in the same old fashion, for the rest of my life, until I’d become dust? I had no clue, and had accepted it as part of life. I didn’t question anything, how could I have? I wasn’t aware prior to that day. It was just the way it was.
But then, that “SOMETHING”‘changed, and I was unable to determine what was missing, what needed to change, what was I searching for, and what was next. All I knew was that the past weeks, months and years, all contributed to that final moment when I began to question everything.
I wondered if I had allowed myself to dream, or was it that I finally woke up from a life long state of dreaming? What changed for my perception to shift? Why now? As questions were left unanswered, one thing suddenly hit me and became painfully obvious….
… with the speed of a bullet train, my life was heading into nowhere…